Yeah, I don't do Photoshop. You're lucky to get horrific MSPaint.
In literally the most important news story in the history of things happening, Cheryl Cole (judge on “Britain’s Got Talent” and really, really pretty person) has been hospitalized for days in London with malaria. From The Daily Mail:
Cole travelled to Tanzania for a brief holiday last month, and while she is reported to have taken a full course of malaria tablets during her stay, some forms of the disease are resistant to drugs.
Mosquito bites suffered by the star seem to have led to infection.
Now you listen here, mosquitoes. I understand this is your thing. And I know biting people and feasting on blood is all the rage now thanks to the “Vampires in Entertainment” trend. But you listen good – stay the eff away from pretty people. You hear me? It’s bad enough you mark their precious, flawless exterior with unseemly red bumps, but giving a goddess like Cheryl Cole malaria? You’ve crossed the line.
So, I propose a compromise. From now on, you lay off anyone above a 7. I know I know, they’re so tempting. But my plan still leaves you literally every single fan of Twilight. They’re huge fans of bloodsucking. Whoops, typo. They’re huge AND are fans of bloodsucking. It’s a match made in heaven.
That said, on behalf of Warming Glow, I’d like to wish Cheryl a speedy recovery. Get well soon, hun. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. You know, like give you a sponge bath or check for lumps in your breasts. I live to serve.
In conclusion, I’d love to give her a case of My-lay-her-ia. BOOM! *rimshot, cut to commercial break*
After the jump, one of Cheryl’s music videos from healthier times.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/51/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/jack-carroll-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/malaria-short-film-2-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/10/Plasmodium-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/07/pudsey-650x370-150x150.jpg)
Is she taking a dump in that pic? My raging erection thinks that she is.
Mel Gibson approves of this Mexican stand-in.
Prior to a trip to Costa Rica, my wife found out that her insurance company wouldn’t pay for the pills that could prevent malaria, but would pay for treatment should she become infected.
Somehow, I was unable to convince her to get malaria out of spite and cost those f*cktards $50,000.
Meh. She’s gorgeous but according to my brother in law who went to school with her in Newcastle, she’s a nasty piece of work.
I praise the mosquito!
This is the only time Cheryl Cole and “mosquito bites” have ever been mentioned in the same breath. Those things are glorious.
Wowza. Not surprisingly, some guy splashed his DNA on the wall behind her.
I need to give her 14 gin and tonics a day! It’s medicinal, people!
No, really it is.
This cocktail was introduced by the army of the British East India Company in India.
Tonic water contains quinine, which was used to prevent malaria. Because the tonic water consumed to prevent malaria in the 18th century was extremely strong, making it taste very bitter, gin was added to make it more palatable
I seriously doubt Mel Gibson would approve of me. I want her to get better THEN blow me, not have her blow me first
I never liked cherry coke
wehavehair: malaria doesn’t cost $50K to treat–unless you’ve got p. falciparum (which is mostly restricted to sub-Saharan Africa, so it’s entirely possible the babe in the pic got it, but not anyone in Costa Rica).
I got p. vivax in Nepal, and aside from the cyclical fevers/chills/feeling like absolute shit for a 12 hours every 3-4 days for a month or so, it wasn’t all that bad. Of course, I say that 16 years later, having forgotten the worst of what having 104-105 degree fevers felt like, getting the chills so bad I literally shook all the water out of cups when I was trying to get a sip, and–in the middle of one malaria attack while I was at school–wandering around the hallways of my dorm in a fog. And to this day, I don’t know if I had some long-term damage done to my brain chemistry–either from the fevers or from the mefloquine that I was prescribed in an ineffectual attempt at prophylaxis.
But in 1994, malaria cases in middle America were so exceedingly rare that hospital ERs didn’t even know how to test properly for it, let alone treat it with anything but IV fluids and antipyretics. Nowadays, it’s more common and better treated. Anything short of p. falciparum, for an otherwise healthy patient, is not all that terrible–like a case of the flu that recurs every few days.
And given the jugs on Ms. Cole, I’d say she’s pretty damned healthy.