Urkel & Seagal Are Off the Hook

Celebrities get accused of doing heinous things all the time, and due to the vicious nature of the news cycle, they often don’t get their names cleared in the news even if they’re not guilty in the eyes of the law. And so I feel it’s my duty to note that Jaleel White — better known as Steve Urkel from “Family Matters” — won’t be charged for the incident in which he allegedly punched his wife’s breast implant.

Meanwhile, in puffy-faced akido master news, Kayden Nguyen’s $1 million lawsuit against former semi-real lawman Steven Seagal has been dismissed. In case you’d forgotten about the awesomely creepy details of those sex slave accusations, let’s go back to the highlight reel:

Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.

I guess now we’ll never know what that unique physiological reaction is. But I still assume that he stops squinting when he gets tumescent. I mean, it makes scientific sense.