The Late Show (CBS, Friday) — Johnny Depp and Megan Fox are the guests. Yup, they’re really god-looking. And yet CBS will probably still cut away from them to show Paul Shaffer and the cancerous bald penis that passes as his head guffawing at Dave’s jokes. I want to beat that guy to death with his own keyboard.
Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Remember when the Japanese whalers messed up the hippies’ precious speedboat? That’s this episode.
The Bridge (CBS, Saturday) — This is a Canadian show that debuted last week. It may shock you to learn that it’s a police procedural. On CBS of all places! Crazy, right?
Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) — One of my favorite things about Warming Glow readers is that no one tries to cajole me into watching this show. It’s like, thanks, but I’ll wait until the American remake improves upon the original. Also, British food sucks, England would speak German if not for the U.S. of A., and the England soccer team isn’t even good any more. Oh, and the queen’s a slut. I think that about covers it.
Expedition Great White (NatGeo, Saturday) — I’m not sure why we need three hours of this or what Paul Walker’s doing there (probably sitting around with his mouth open), but hey: sharks!
True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — I still haven’t watched last Sunday’s episode. Did I miss any titties? Because I’m not gonna bother watching if there weren’t any titties.
The Gates (ABC) — Finally! A vampire show on Sundays!
Holly’s World (E!, Sunday) — Whoa, Holly Madison has her own reality show? I had no idea. I’m sure it’s because she’s so “charismatic” *blowjob motion*