What’s On Tonight: Adventures In Oil-Based Opulence

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel, 10 p.m.) — Bourdain travels to Dubai, where he’ll no doubt delight in indoor skiing on mountains of cocaine. After that he’ll play rooftop tennis, rooftop golf, followed by rooftop cocaine. Food likely factors in somewhere.

Last Comic Standing (NBC, 9 p.m.) — Season finale. This season’s winning comedian will be chosen. The final five contestants are Felipe, Mike, Tommy, Roy, and Myq. Anyone with a name as retarded as Myq has to be funny. Or else the scorn would have killed them years ago.

Too Fat For Fifteen: Fighting Back (Style, 8 p.m.) — Series premiere. Hang in there, fat teens. The relaxed standards of adulthood make it so you can easily let yourself go without consequence.

Dating in the Dark (ABC, 10 p.m.) — Seven Minutes In Heaven: The Show kicks off a new season.

Teen Choice 2010 (Fox, 8 p.m.) — I’ll be spending an unhealthy amount of time this evening waiting to purchase the new version of Madden, then playing it into the wee hours. This leaves me in a somewhat difficult position to cast that much scorn on anyone who decides to watch this dreck. I’m counting on the less pathetic among us to rise to the occasion.