What’s On Tonight: Sharks, Ferguson

Shark Bites (Discovery Channel) — Craig Ferguson goes diving with sharks — without the benefit of a cage. Embedded below is an “Early Show” interview with Ferguson about the special. By the way, who writes the onscreen copy for that show?  ”Fearless Ferguson’s Fierce Fish Fable”? Yeah, good job with the alliteration, but next time check your dictionary. He’s a talk show host swimming with sharks, not the boy who cried wolf. PLUS: Shark Week, the Cliffs Notes version.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — The secret ingredient is racist jokes.

Criss Angel: Mindfreak (A&E) — Season premiere. Criss Angel is why people still use “gay” as a derogatory term. Because everything about this show is gay. Not homosexual-gay, just bad-gay. I have a theory: if we chained cement blocks to Criss Angel and dropped him into the ocean, people would stop calling stupid things gay, thus promoting equality and tolerance. I think it’s worth a try.

Dark Blue (TNT) — Season premiere. Dylan McDermott is a cop; Tricia Helfer is a sexy FBI agent. No one gets naked.

Plain Jane (The CW) — I watched the premiere last week, and it was actually pretty good despite some typical reality TV overproduction. But last week’s Plain Jane was definitely a skinny girl with big boobs hiding behind baggy clothes and bad hair. It was straight out of Not Another Teen Movie. “She’s got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she’s got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there’s no way she could be prom queen!”