Danger Guerrero here, kiddies. I’m taking us into the weekend, and I am bringing the heat. Hold on to your nipples.
According to the upload date on this clip (after the jump), it’s been on Youtube for over two years and has over 280,000 hits, so it’s not what you’d call “timely,” or “fresh.” I don’t care. I don’t care at all. The clip is from a Headline News story about a woman whose statue of Jesus was stolen from her yard. She then found a ransom note in her mailbox explaining that the statue wouldn’t be returned unless she started doing a better job of cleaning up after her litter of wiener dogs. To drive the point home, the anchor read the ransom note on the air, and GOD BLESS HIM FOR DOING SO. To show why this excites me so, I’ve transcribed it:
We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopy from your wieners, and trust us we see you take your wieners for long walks without cleaning up their poopy in our yards. This has upset us dearly, so please clean up all the wiener poopy if you want to see Jesus unharmed.
Ok, let me be clear about something. I have admitted to being a real comedy snob plenty of times around these parts. I hate Leno, Jeff Dunham, Dane Cook et al for their lazy, idiot-pandering humor. And yet, despite these refined tastes, a news anchor saying “wiener” and “poopy” over and over has me dying. I can’t take it. It’s the funniest thing ever.
Two closing thoughts: 1) “Please clean up all the wiener poopy if you want to see Jesus unharmed” is going on my tombstone, and; 2) Putting an end to the poopy wiener situation to ensure Jesus’ return also sums up the church’s views on sodomy pretty nicely. BOOM! ANAL SEX!