The Biggest Loser (NBC) — Tonight the final eleven contestants go to Camp Pendleton, the Marine base between Los Angeles and San Diego. Because the Marine Corps taught me useful pejoratives for obese people like “disgusting fatbody,” “food blister,” and “a Hefty garbage bag filled with soup,” I want to tune in tonight just to see Marines denigrate fatties. Alas, it will never live up to Full Metal Jacket, so I’ve included a clip below. (p.s. The USMC’s 235th birthday is a week from tomorrow, in case you want to tell any Marines you may know happy birthday.)
Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Last week, they added Irish music to the opening credits. F*cking awesome. “The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive.”
Running Russell Simmons (Oxygen) — Simmons needs a crew of six hot women to help run his empire every day. I’m sure he would never think about having any kind of inappropriate relationship with any of them. “Ya know, half of these gook whores are serving officers in the Viet Cong.”
Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo) — “If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “poontang.”
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Only six celebrities are left, and somehow Bristol Palin is one of them. “After we rotate back to the world, we’re gonna miss not having anyone around that’s worth shooting.”
I want more like this!
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