Animal Planet released the lineup for Puppy Bowl VII yesterday, and it wouldn't be enough for me to say, "Here's the lineup, enjoy the cuteness!" No, as one of the Internet's leading experts on cute dogs, I'm dedicated to bringing you the best analysis of soft fur and floppy ears possible.
Above is Amy, an 18-week-old Golden Retriever/Corgi mix who will grow up to be the most playful dog on the entire planet. Sadly, Amy is the closest thing we have for a representative of our beloved Corgi breed. To its credit, Animal Planet seems to be favoring mixes and mutts, which of course are generally hardier and healthier dogs. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't watch the hell out of some Corgi Bowl counter-programming. (Hint, hint, NatGeo.)
Click through for the rest of the lineup and my expert analysis. UPDATE: Animal Planet unveiled more puppies as part of the starting lineup. I've updated the post to include the new entries. (Spoiler alert: there are basset hound puppies, plural.)
Big Red is a shepherd mix. Mixed with what? A WHOLE LOT OF CUTENESS. Look at those big paws: he's gonna be clumsy and adorable. Grade: four out of five Corgi puppies.
Booda's a pug mix, and while I find pugs funny, the bug-eyed thing doesn't really trigger my "AWWWWW" reflex. Upside: the fact that he's a mix softens the weird factor. Grade: two and a half Corgi puppies.
Ugh, I loathe Cocker Spaniels. Their eyes are all goopy and they piss on the floor if you look at 'em cross-eyed. And they make your hand stink after you pet them. The only thing saving Brownie Sundae's bitch ass is that she's mixed with some better breed. And by "better" I mean "any other." Grade: one Corgi puppy.
Hmmm... I like the ears and the scruffy fur, but Calvin's serious demeanor is kinda bringing me down. I think I need to see him in action before coming to a decision. Grade: three Corgi puppies, with a possible upgrade to three and a half.
You know what's cuter than a Shih Tzu/beagle mix? Just a beagle. Under the "dogs must be larger than cats" rule, Shih Tzus are officially not dogs and downgraded to "object to be punted." Automatic subtraction of two Corgi puppies.
Charlie's a tough one. He's a Yorkshire terrier mix, and if there's a non-dog that's stupider and more yappy and annoying and worthless than Shih Tzus, it's Yorkies. HOWEVER, I'm a sucker for scruffy puppies, and they don't come much scruffier than Charlie. Grade: 3 Corgi puppies, downgraded to two if he's a wuss around bigger dogs.
This dog sucks, I Shih Tzu not. Grade: one ugly cat and a drop-kick through the uprights.
Now this is more like it! Duncan is a Golden Retriever/bulldog mix, and I would be happy to quit my job just to hug him for eight hours a day five days a week. I'd probably even log some overtime doing that. Grade: four Corgi puppies.
Jack is a Lab mix, but that hardly matters with those expressive eyes and floppy ears. And the white patch on his belly just kinda says, "Rub me!" Only apparent weakness: could be fluffier. Grade: three and a half Corgis.
HNNNNNNNGGGHHHH. My heart just melted. Four and a half Corgis for this fluffy shepherd mix.
Koda's a Siberian husky, which is one of the dogs I had growing up. Obviously, then, I'm biased because I know what great dogs huskies are. Four Corgis!
Nope, I feel nothing. Lindy's a Brittany Spaniel/Schnauzer mix, and neither of those breeds really do it for me. But she's scruffy and has floppy ears, so I'll give her half a Corgi more than I want to.
Little Red, like CB, is a Shih Tzu/beagle mix. However, he got a lot less of the crappy Shih Tzu and a lot more of the super-cute beagle. In fact, since I can't readily identify any Shih Tzu traits in Little Red, he gets three and a half Corgi puppies.
Louise is a mix of rat terrier, Lab, and hound. The hound is most obvious, because she has those long ears that I want to tie in a bow on top of her head. Oh, Louise. Come be my friend. Grade: four Corgi puppies.
Stop the Cuteness Pageant and send all the other puppies home. Mae is a mix of Newfoundland and Great Pyrenees, which are both large, gentle mountain dogs. Mae is not only perfect and adorable now; she's gonna grow up to be a humongous, chill dog. I MUST HAVE HER.
Meh, Yorkie mix. The only way I'd ever like a Yorkie is if I could cram it into an M203 grenade launcher and fire it into a crowd of hippies. Grade: two Corgi puppies.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I can't handle it when dogs have one ear flipped the wrong way. I die. I just die. (And I mean all of that in the best way possible.) Grade: four and half Corgi puppies.
Molly's a boxer mix, but it looks like she's got some Lab in her face (which is a big step up in cuteness from a boxer). Missing a certain je ne sais quoi that would bring her to four Corgi puppies, though.
Let's get this out of the way: I wanna stick my face in his coat. Oliver is a Great Pyrenees, which are one of the best breeds on the planet. If anyone is old enough to remember the old Nickelodeon cartoon "Belle and Sebastian" (that's right, it's not just a hipster folk band), Belle was a Great Pyrenees. Four Corgis!
Cute face, but minus points for being a Cocker Spaniel mix, which results in those ears that look like the fur's been crimped. The '80s are over, dude.
Pauly is a Smooth Fox Terrier. And credit where it's due: you'd be hard-pressed to find a cooler name for a breed than "smooth fox." Unfortunately, like Kate Moss, he's a little too skinny for my tastes. Three Corgi puppies.
Oh. Oh no. When I started judging puppies on the patented Warming Glow Corgi Scale, I promised myself that only a Corgi puppy could score a perfect five out of five Corgis. But damned if this little border collie mix isn't making me re-think that. Look at that dark little face. The fluffy fur. The perky/floppy combo of the ears. NEW FRACTION JUST FOR REENIE:
Wow, another Great Pyrenees. This must be the cool, big dog breed Animal Planet injected into the Puppy Bowl to make up for all the crappy little Shih Tzus. Is River as cute as Reenie? That sad, fluffy face says yes.
A basset hound puppy? Damn, Animal Planet is bringin' out the big guns at the end of the lineup. And by "big guns" I mean "cutest puppies." Those ears can cloak all the unhappiness in the world. Grade: four and a half Corgi puppies.
People who say that pit bulls are a bad breed should be torn limb from limb by the pit bulls. That way they can die smug. There are no bad dogs, only bad owners. (Note: if it's smaller than a cat, it's not a dog.)
Sadie gets four Corgi puppies because she looks full of love.
It's well established that I don't like the small dogs, but Pomeranians are so damn fluffy it's hard to hate them. Savannah (a Pomeranian-Maltese mix) has got a disheveled coked-out look that I find charming in a puppy. Three and a half Corgis.
Another Shih Tzu. F-minus.
Yay, another basset hound! For my money, Rudy is a little cuter, but Suzie holds her own by upping the sadness. She looks like a tired old soul, and that makes me want to hug her.
*breathes into paper bag* As the owner of a Rottweiler mix, I turn to pudding any time I see brown eyebrow spots on black fur. Thelma got four and a half Corgis before I could blink.
Eye spot. Attentive floppy ears. Eager-to-please face. Oh yes, Thirteen has it all. Bonus points for sharing a name with Olivia Wilde's character on "House."
Two Face is pretty cute -- and I like the Batman reference -- but I've been doling out some pretty high grades as the puppies have upped their cuteness. He would've been a 4 at the beginning of the slide show, but I'm bumping him to 3.5 given all the competition.
It's a slightly furrier version of Jabba the Hutt's court jester, Salacious B. Crumb (not exactly what I'm looking for in a puppy). He will find a new definition of pain and suffering at Puppy Bowl VII. Grade: two Corgi puppies.
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There’s at least one Corgi Mix in there. You aren’t a seperatist, are ya?
I would love to watch a bulldog and a golden retriever get it on. That had to be some clumsy doggystyle.
/by the way, this is the best post ever
Only 4 corgi puppies for Big Red? But his austere demeanor! That adorable black muzzle! The soulful eyebrows! I demand a recount.
Worth the wait, sir. Worth the wait.
This is exactly the type of in depth analysis I expect leading up to the big game.
Damn, you’re tough on these cute furry friends!! You’re the East German judge!
I can’t believe you’re hating on CB, who is adorable, and giving Charlie more Corgis. I’m also a fan of Lindy who is both haunting and kinda cute.
Oliver obviously wins because he’s doing that anal gland shuffle that is weird yet hilarious.
I assume it would take an actual Corgi to get the rare five-Corgi ranking.
WHAT’S WITH THE FUCKING SLIDESHOW ASSHOLE?
Seriously though, this post is beautiful. You should take your laptop to some really nice steakhouse, show it to the waiter, and see if you can get your meal comp’d.
Wait, I went to the site and there’s MORE? Rudy FTW: [animal.discovery.com]
@Mel Got Served — Welp, looks like I’m gonna have to do a follow-up.
SO MANY PUPPIES
Charlie looks like what Charlie from Sunny would look like in dog form
I had a Yorkie once as my girlfriend rescued him from a house she was redesigning.
Anyway, this dog was yappy and tiny but I loved the hell out of him. If we left the window open and he saw the neighbour’s dog, he was off and attached to it’s throat. We lived next door to a Great Dane at the time.
So Yorkies do have huge balls Matt.
Calvin gets bonus points for peeing on the logos of your least favorite teams.
I find their lack of Basset Hounds to be nothing short of breedism.
My 11 week old puppy is better than any of these.
Wow, my love for the site has dropped a couple notches after your mini-rant about cocker spaniels. I mean, this is till in my top 5 fav sites, just not top 3 anymore.
Hank Basset Hounds drop onside kicks in the big game.
This was everything that Greendale’s Puppy Parade was supposed to be.
I have a Border Terrier like Calvin. When my dog looks like that he wants to play, eat, poop or is sizing up prey.
Fitting that Booda takes the Middle Path to get 2.5 out of 5.
I think I’ve provided your page with something like 100 clicks today.
cocker spaniels deserve a higher rating on the corgi scale
Two Face is rock solid. Damn your grading on a curve.
Can’t believe you remember Belle and Sebastian. That was my favorite show as a kid. But I think that was a poor perfomance for the husky. I just got my second husky (9 weeks old) and there’s cuter ones out there.
This pup looks more like a Black and Tan Coonhound, eh?
According to Animal Planet, Amy (the dog in the banner pic) “loves a good facial.”
Why did they write that? What does “facial” mean to dogs? Licking faces?
The Pitbull should naturally have gotten a 3 on the Pitbull scale which is equal to 25,000 Corgis.
I disagree with you on Pomeranians being acceptable small dogs… my friend had one growing up and all the fluffy in the world couldn’t make up for how yippy that thing was. When we went swimming in a lake one summer, I thought a rat was trying to get on our raft until I realized it was that damn “dog”. Terrible.
I have a husky border collie mix, who may be the cutest, smartest, and laziest dog to have ever lived.
Smegga, is “redesigning” a metaphor for burglarizing?
My new mutt, by the way, whom I’ve owned a full 7 days as of today, is a Pug/Chihuahua mix, which sounds horrible on paper but is adorable. I should have named him Houdini, because that dog can escape anything!
Fuck corgis, ugly and worthless.
I was with you and thinking that you and I must be dog opinion soul mates until you said that labs are cuter than boxers. The boxer dog owns my soul. (Something about their smushed noses and funny sneeze gets me every time!)
@blugh
I hope you are ready to be crucified by every member of this webzone.
Bulldog and Lab?
“Guess they used some kind of lubricant”*
With apologies to National Lampoon
Nice opinion, but you can’t seriously think Shih Tzus are that terrible. No one is that bad of a person.
@Homo Erectus – Not really. It’s more like renovating, but you get to steal money from stupid homeowners by doing it.
My cocker spaniel is black and tan…which means he has brown eyebrows…does that make him suck a little less in your misguided opinion of cocker spaniels?
I worked in an animal hospital / (mostly dogs) as a teen and no dogs were bigger asshole’s than Cocker Spaniel’s. They get rated “ugly cat” in my world.
Also: pomeranian’s cuteness is really hindered by the fact that they never shut the hell up. Too much credit above.
This bowl needs more hound dogs.
I totally should have tried to get my puppy in the puppy bowl…
[contest.kob.com]
wheres the westies?
You people know nothing about cocker spaniels.
Hey, lay off the shih-tzus, pal! Just because you haven’t been laid in 10 years is no reason to take it out on the cutest dog that ever lived. I hope a doberman shihzes on your cereal.
if it’s not over 50 pounds, it’s just not a dog
This year’s Puppy Bowl is a sham. No Beagle?! Seriously? So now they are being excluded for being too cute?
This is another example of Hollywood’s sick and deviant anti-borzoi agenda.
You must be a cat lover!!! because all dogs no matter there size are awesome!!!!! Big or small i love them all!!! Your just not a true dog lover!!!!
My Yorkie is the meanest dog we have, and the smallest. We have 7- from a huge lab mix down to several midsized strays. He is the bravest and most territorial dog we have, even though he is neutered. After all, they were bred to fight the vicious mine rats of Yorkshire, England, in order to protect the miners. Their size was selectively bred to allow them to fit in the miner’s pocket for convenience.
I love my Great Pyrenees mixes, but all dogs are great.
Punt Shih Tzus? You monster! They’re the cutest breed on the planet and YOU deserve to be punted into the end zone!
all the puppies are adorable. just wondering why they didn’t include a doxie? i know if mine was here there she would melt everyones heart with her sweet looks. but don’t let that fool ya she can keep up with the best of them doxies rule
@blugh
which describes you.
don’t be an asshole