Snooki Is a Drunk. Nicole Is an Author.

As if the notion of Snooki writing a novel isn’t already laughable enough — her input was given to ghostwriter Valerie Frankel over conference calls — everyone’s favorite be-poufed Oompa-Loompa is upping the hilarity by taking herself seriously:

The pint-size loudmouth - who, now that she’s an author, prefers to be called Nicole – tells the Daily News that “words can’t even describe” what it means to her to have her book on stands.

“I never knew I would write a book!” she gushes, perhaps echoing the sentiments of even the most devout Snooki lovers. “But I’m so happy I did.” [NYDN]

Note: Snooki did not write a book. Wait, sorry: NICOLE didn’t write a book. Tell us more about your life as an author, NICOLE:

Ellen [Degeneres] asked, “Now, when you say if you didn’t black out it’s a good night for you, are you serious?”

Dead serious, she said. “Yes, because I want to remember my night and sometimes I just don’t. It sucks. So you’re like, ‘What did I do? Why did I wake up in a garbage can?’”

And when Ellen asks how often that happens, Snooki casually responded, “Oh, like once a month.” [HuffPo]

Only once a month? Pfffft. Snooks, if you want to be a real writer, you’re going to have to drink a lot more than that.