I give up, man. Here I am trying to compile all the
- “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
- [on the possibility that he's bipolar] “Wow. What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”
- “I probably took more [drugs] than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: GO. [...] I’m different. I have a different brain, I have a different heart… I got tiger blood, man.”
- [on the possibility of a relapse] “No. Not going to, period the end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can’t is the cancer of happen.”
- [on how awesome he is at partying] “The run I was on made Sinatra, Jagger, Richards, look like droopy-eyed, armless children. [...] I expose people to magic. I expose them to something they’re never going to see in their otherwise boring lives. And I gave that to them. I may forget about them tomorrow, but they’ll live with that memory for the rest of their lives, and that’s a gift, man.”
I’m starting to get a little worried. Not about Charlie Sheen — about myself. The more I here him talk, the more I think, “You know what? Maybe Charlie Sheen is right. Maybe he really is as bitchin’ as he says he is.” Think about it: what if Charlie isn’t on drugs? That’s worse, right? To be that barking mad without cocaine? He’s scarier than a closeted Scientologist.
Oh, and this post ain’t over yet: we haven’t even gotten to NBC’s “Today Show” interview. Hoo boy:
Jeff Rossen: The first question America wants to know: Are you clean right now?
Sheen: Look at me. DUHHH. Drug test don’t lie.
Rossen: When was the last time you did drugs?
Sheen: Don’t remember. Don’t care. Drug test don’t lie. Scoreboard doesn’t lie.
You know what that scoreboard says? WINNING.
“I am on a drug, it’s called CHARLIE SHEEN. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you’ll die, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?”
Also, Charlie apologized to “Two and a Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre. Specifically, Sheen is sorry that Lorre’s such a little bitch:
“I’m sorry if I offended you. Didn’t know you were so sensitive. I thought after you wailing on me for eight years, that I could take a few shots back. I didn’t know you were going to take your ball and go home and punish everybody in the process.”
Oh, and he’s suing CBS and demanding a raise to $3 million an episode because he’s underpaid. Because of what CBS has put him through. And yes, all of this was said in complete seriousness. CBS is gonna learn that you don’t put dampers on the engines of an F-18.
UPDATE: Live interview with Sheen right now on TMZ. This is amazing. It just won’t stop.