Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning, which means that thanks to a weird, dated religious ritual that is one does of sexual magic away from being The Wicker Man, Winter is almost over. The Midwest is still elbows-deep in snow and the East coast is still trying to dig their way out, but somebody inferred a decision from this rodent so praise Jesus and here we go ’round the Maypole.
The best part of Groundhog Day, besides literally every person on my Facebook posting the “don’t drive angry!” clip from Groundhog Day, is the reaction of “Today Show” host Matt Lauer:
Whatever, Lauer. I bet you don’t believe an octopus could psychically predict the World Cup, either.
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Is that Jeff Engvall? Please let that be Jeff Engvall. It means he finally gave up his futile pursuit of making people laugh.
Watch that first step, it’s a doosey!
In other hog news, Ron Jeremy DID see his shadow today…which means 6 more weeks genital blisters for either wannabe or former porn whores.
It would have been better off it Lauer would have just went off with something like this, “This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You’re hypocrites, all of you!”
My back is broken from shoveling snow for the last 4 hours. Is shitting your self without notice, a sign of spinal nerve damage?