Jeff Zucker ain't got nothin' on me. Or anyone. But especially me.
Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that every now and again I'll toss out a handful of fake TV pitches. Most of them are ideas for outlandish reality shows, but there are also some dramas and comedies sprinkled in. The crazy thing about these pitches is that no matter how hard I try to make them over the top and ridiculous, cable channels like TLC and Bravo stack their lineups with so much nonsense that it makes my fictional shows seem plausible. And if I can stress one thing to you above all else, it would be that I am an idiot. So that makes the programming departments of these channels, like, double idiots.
On the other hand, they're the ones getting paid seven-figure salaries to come up with the same crap that I'm drunkenly giving away for free on Twitter... so maybe they're not as dumb as I'm making them out to be. What's important here this: I've got ideas, people. And I'm tired of not cashing in on them. So, to all the TV executives out there, consider the following pitches my audition.
Summary: Thirty strippers. Unlimited alcohol. One house. Hundreds of hidden switchblades.
Title: Stripper Knifefight House
Summary: Members of a fraternity are set up on blind dates with cougars... but there's a twist.
Title: But, Brah... THAT'S MY MOM!
Summary: Nerdy, awkward men vie for the love of an giant Amazon woman who both frightens and excites them.
Title: IntimiDate
Summary: Dating show, but with swingers. A husband & wife must narrow down 40 couples and agree on a winner.
Title: I Don't Want Your Wife
(Production Note: MUST be hosted by James Van Der Beek to give title maximum effect.)
Summary: The country's best metal workers compete for the final few jobs left.
Title: America's Last Top Blacksmith
Summary: Flat chested women compete in billiards tournament. Winner gets free breast implants.
Title: Rack 'Em
Summary: A three-camera sitcom in which a Julian Assange-type is enlisted to try to track down Banksy. Every time he thinks he's got him cornered, Banksy foils him by painting a monkey or something on Assange's bedroom wall.
Title: Perfecter Strangers
Summary: Barren women compete in embarrassing challenges for money and use the cash to bid against each other for babies.
Title: Baby Auction
Summary: Contestants are locked in an underground shelter with their loved ones and a live bomb.
Title: So You Think You Can Defuse?
Summary: Doomsday theorists compete in a fiery, Caribbean dance competition with scantily clad partners.
Title: Apocalypso
Summary: Promiscuous women compete in a baking contest for large cash prizes. Hosted by Anthony Bourdain.
Title: Cake Harlots
Bonus Spinoff Idea: Same show, but with slutty little people.
Title: Cupcake Harlots
Summary: "Real World" alum and WWE Champion Mike "The Miz" Mizanin stars in a dating show where Broadway actresses vie for his affection.
Title: Lay Miz
Summary: Cheating spouses are tricked into thinking they contracted HIV in at attempt to stop their infidelity.
Title: Marital AIDS
Summary: Parents enter their young children in an MMA-themed reality show. Winner take all.
Title: America's Toughest Toddler
(Unrelated note regarding the banner pic: That kid is awesome. I will not be entertaining counterarguments.)
Summary: Nuns compete in progressively more scandalous challenges in an attempt to raise money for underprivileged children. Hosted by Brody Jenner.
Title: Bla$phemy
Summary: A one-hour dramedy where firemen heroically save an orphan in the pilot and raise her as their own. Lots of “stay off the pole” jokes.
Title: Firehouse Brat
Summary: Descendants of a wealthy person must compete in belittling challenges for their cut of the will. Losers get nothing.
Title: Bad Heir Day
Summary: Twenty blindfolded people each defecate into a container, then later try to identify which feces is theirs.
Title: THAT'S MY DOOTY!
Summary: Forty well-endowed Cuban refugees looking for a green card. One horny cougar.
Title: Cuban Missile Crisis
There you go, TV executives. That oughta wet your beak a little bit. And trust me, there's PLENTY more where these came from. You would be very foolish to underestimate my capacity for generating nonsense ideas. Want proof? Fine. "Indi-Guest-tion": a hidden camera show where producers plant a horrible house guest with a couple, and the guest makes their lives miserable until the big reveal at the end. I just came up with that RIGHT NOW AS I AM TYPING THIS PARAGRAPH.
I think you know what you have to do. I'll be awaiting your offers.
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That picture for “Rack ‘Em” is wonderful and I predict TLC will pick up four idea for “Baby Auction.”
*your, not four
The crazy thing about these pitches is that no matter how hard I try to make them over the top and ridiculous, cable channels like TLC and Bravo stack their lineups with so much nonsense that it makes my fictional shows seem plausible.
I skipped this intro and initially believed these to be real pitches. The one the tipped me off: “Lay Miz.” It sounds incredible considering all that came before it, but “Lay Miz” was, in fact, the one that made me realize this was a joke.
The sad thing is that most of these shows could actually be on TV these days. We’re getting dangerously close to “wheel of fish” and “stanley spudowski’s funhouse” being a beautiful reality.
@ John Doe – Huh. “Stripper Knifefight House” didn’t do it for you? You’re either very gullible or VERY awesome.
Both.
Those shows are too sexy. TOO SEXY!
Every one of those was better than anything SNL has come up with in 10 years.
Most of these are just good for laughs, obviously, but Bad Heir Day is a legitimately excellent idea (and a great title).
I would watch the shit out of ‘I Dont Want Your Wife’ with James Vanderbeek
Thank God you finally linked to your Twitter page Danger. I kept meaning to look for it, but you know….porn and stuff.
The thing is, the vast majority of these shows are actually plausible. I liked it, but wanted more crazy.
Based on the attached photo, is Marital AIDS meant for the BET demographic?
Marital Aids would have a great reunion show when the cheating spouse reveals he contracted aids cheating whilst thinking he had aids.
At least 5 of these shows (well, variations of them) will get made in the next year.
Especially the porn bake-off. Though I’d make them get high before the challenges and change the title to “Easy Baked Ovens”.
How is the Banksy show a bad idea?
These shows make the lineup of U62 look tame.
/would still watch Stanley Spadowski’s Clubhouse
I got to # 7 and had to excuse myself.
Why not cut to the chase:
Pick someone like ohhh Assange or Ghadaffi. Have 10 contestants, their job is to kill the individual. Winner gets BANK. You’d have to install some micro cameras (although Assange would most likely fall for the ” hey I’m with Uproxx can I get a statement ” assassination ploy.
Ghadaffi would be a tougher nut.
Is it bad that I would totally apply to be on Cake Harlots? So many ‘cream’ jokes, so little time…
I desperately want to see that nun show.
What about a show in which a guy gets rear-ended, and the judge orders the guy at fault to be the butler of the victim?
If you can get bourdain, Cake Harlots is an instant classic.
Bourdain and Eric Ripert are about two seconds away from a buddy comedy, so I fear he’ll be unavailable for Cake Harlots.
Cake Harlots would finally make watching television with my girlfriend bearable.
But, Brah… THAT’S MY MOM! seems like it could be an actual show. DO WANT
i like the banksy/assange one. gets back home to the hotel after *juuuuust* missing Banksy, seeing the monkey on his wall.
“BANKSSSSYYYYYYYYY”
I’m still surprised that i haven’t seen actual shows made from older Simpsons jokes, like “Don’t touch the stove” or “Tethered to a bear”
Really, really, really funny stuff. Nice work.
Pitches can be deceiving. You have to wonder what the “pitch” was for Lost. “A plane crashes on an island and we follow the lives of the survivors. And – Oh – there’s this Smoke Monster. And a group of indigent people called the “others” with a guy under a hatch who has to push a button every 88 minutes…”
I think a contempory version of “Welcome back Cotter” would be a good show.
The 2000+ year’s version would have so many quirky new issues, it could be used for “snapshots” of everything from bullying to sexual harrassment. Plug in a cast of compelling characters, some alternative rock music background and you have a winner…….well, maybe……
Hahaha, So You Think You Can Defuse… Brilliant!
The baby auction show should be called eBaBy. I can’t believe you missed that.
Actually, “Firehouse Brat” looks like an interesting premise. Decent writing and cast, and it could work well (mind you, where I live, two of the three municipal firehalls are within easy walking distance of at least an elementary school).
These were fantastic and sadly, not that far off. But you forgot a couple: The Sasquatch Whisperer: Megan Mullally and a bigfoot expert attempt to tame the mythical beast so it becomes far more domesticated, Hauntings in the Emerald City (investigators hunt for paranormal activity in Oz’s Emerald City using their green night vision cams) and the whole show is one big headache-inducing hue), Dancing in the Stars: NASA astronauts and celebrity astronauts like Richard Branson and Lance Bass do their best dance moves in zero gravity aboard the space shuttle for top honors, those voted off are jettisoned into the velvety discourse of eternity. Pimp my Pimp: LA Hookers compete to give their pimps a fashion makeover. Winner receives a years supply of crystal meth and turtle wax. One-2-Ten: A gameshow where 10 contestants pick a number from one to ten and whoever guesses the number correctly, wins a billion dollars – BUT the winner can double their winnings if they win the “Russian Roulette Round” where they put a loaded gun with 5 bullets and one empty chamber to their head and pull the trigger. Trading Faces: People who have been mauled by bears compete to win a new face donated by the almost winner on One-2-Ten.
A concept for the ages. Too stupid for school (at any level).
Firehouse Brat looks pretty darn awesome. I think they could actually make a show of that… and they should. It would be great.
i can remember when Hogan’s Heroes seemed like a bad idea, most of these shows are great ideas that I would watch. i’ve been waiting for a reality show about strippers. what is more fascinating than strippers and hookers? they haven’t even scratched the surface yet.
Bad Heir Day has already been done. It was called The Will, it aired on CBS in the winter of 2005, and it was one-and-done.
Just what we need………… MORE idiotic reality shows. It’s my bet that one network or another will pick up and/or design each and every one of them.