“How could you, Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.”
“They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I’m not made of stone!”
My apartment is decorated with a “Dexter” bobblehead, old issues of TV Guide with the casts of “Six Feet Under” and “The Sopranos,” and a fake press pass for Homerpalooza. Those are all pretty cool (I use the word lightly) pieces of television memorabilia. But there’s a darker, crappier side to the world of items based on your favorite TV shows (and I only chose shows that people actually like–obviously “Cavemen” is going to have some subpar merchandise). Below are ten of the worst.
#10. “Married…with Children” Comic Books
In 1990, NOW Comics began publishing a series based on “Married…with Children,” the hit Fox series then in its fifth season. But NOW, which also had titles for Mr. T, Speed Racer, and the Real Ghostbusters, failed to realize the “Married…with Children” and comic book communities did NOT go together like love and marriage, which is probably why they went out of business.
#9. The Wit and Wisdom of Archie Bunker
“Watch out for the gays.”
“Julia” was one of the first TV shows to star an African-American actress, and in a misguided attempt at color equality, NBC released a coloring book, presumably in an effort to prove to children (who didn’t watch the show) that black’s no different than Midnight Blue or Thistle. According to the item’s seller: “About 1/5 of the pages have been colored on.” No word on whether there’s a jumble and if the answer is “fries.”
#7. Tony Soprano “Little Duckling” Mouse Pad
I can’t think of a more accurate depiction of the man who *SPOILER ALERT* cheated on his wife dozens of times, killed at least eight men, and hated his daughter’s boyfriend because he was black than *END SPOILER ALERT* to show him with an adorable baby duckling.
#6. “Beavis and Butthead” Video Game for Super Nintendo
There have been many crappy video games based on television shows, but this is the “Cop Rock” of the genre. The makers removed the best thing about Beavis and Butthead (them making fun of music videos) and instead gave us a story about the boys going to a GWAR concert. The GWAR thing is pretty cool (not that I had any idea who GWAR was in 1994), but the way you get to the show is by hitting people with a large bat with a punching glove attached to it—over and over again. Besides, the game totally used the wrong GWAR song from This Toilet Earth; it should have been “The Insidious Soliloquy of Skulhed Face,” not “Jack the World.”
Show your support for Mr. Sheen by wearing one of his signature shirts, as seen on “Two and a Half Men.” Buy now because this weekend is the perfect time to sport one of Charlie’s retro casual shirts, go up to a woman, and say, “I wanna hang out with these [point at her breasts here] two smokin’ hotties and fly privately around the world.” If that’s not really your thing, you can also purchase a water bottle with the “Men” logo on it. (I realize I specified good shows in the post’s intro, but I think, due to what’s been going on the past month, “Two and a Half Men” has transformed from an awful sitcom to the greatest comedy on TV. Sorry, “Community.”)
#4. Landry Clarke Throw Pillows, BBQ Aprons, Boxer Shorts, etc.
CafePress, the customized makers of all things generic, have an entire page dedicated to #85 Landry Clarke, “Friday Night Lights” part-time kicker/full-time rock god in Crucifictorious. I can understand wanting a Tim Riggins or Matt Saracen thermos, but I wonder how high the demand is for the Landry Clarke “classic thong,” “infant bodysuit,” and “dog t-shirt”?
#3. 12″ Custom Jerry Seinfeld Look Alike Comedian Figure
I’ve spent the last 20 minutes staring at this beastly creature trying to figure out who it looks like. It’s supposed to be Jerry Seinfeld, but the face is too long and hair too pronounced, and I know there’s some celebrity it more closely resembles. Help? [Ed. note: I’d say it looks like a hybrid of Seinfeld and Puddy.] But no matter who (or what) it looks like, this photo does teach an important lesson: never buy anything that ships from Jalan Sultan, Singapore.
#2. Random “Simpsons” Action Figures
I went into my own collection for this selection. For some reason, I own action figures of Judge Snyder, Sarcastic Man, and Number One. It’d be odd enough to own a toy for a second-tier character like Sideshow Bob or Apu—but these are fourth-rate characters, including one who only appears in a single episode (“We’re having ribs”). Snyder even comes with an entire courtroom! Still haven’t taken them out of the box, though, so they’ll be worth something soon.
The only TV show that has more memorabilia than “The Simpsons” is “Star Trek.” There is so much good stuff out there—most of which can be found here—but my favorite is the Shirtless Kirk Cologne (“Set phasers to stunning”!) The fragrance contains “clean citrus top-notes and a heavy earth finish,” which really means it smells like space sweat, green alien poon, and a hint of ginger.
