"...and then he bought me some shoes and called me pretty and told me my shoes looked great and bought me more shoes and we lived happily ever shoes."
For this week’s list, we sent Josh Kurp into the darkest realms of the Internet: fan fiction forums. But since the grotesque sexual perversions of geeks are well documented elsewhere, we gave him two restraints: 1. No slash fiction, and 2. No sci-fi or genre shows, because NERDS. As you’ll see, that still left plenty of terrifying room for child abuse, lynching, and haikus. -Ed.
After reading through seemingly hundreds of fan fiction stories based on television shows, most of which can be found here, I have to say: the human race is doomed. If the “mature” page for, say, “Six Feet Under” is any indication, we so-called civilized creatures are HUGE fans of murder and incest, sometimes in the same story. Below are excerpts from ten of the most disturbing fan fiction stories I found — non-sic’d, because I don’t have all day here.
#10. “Dharma’s Haikus” based on “Dharma & Greg”
The pregnancy test,
Easiest of all, just pee
Oh look! Positive!
#9. “Before We All Burn” based on “30 Rock”
[Jack Donaghy]’s 50 years old and suddenly feeling like a teenager, being ruled by his hormones. Suddenly she’s not just Liz Lemon to him, the geeky, nerdy writer. Suddenly she’s Liz Lemon, sexy, hot and enchanting. Of course, she hasn’t suddenly changed, she still wandered around with food stained clothes, but now, instead of finding it disgusting, he finds it intriguing.
#8. “Behind the Bars” based on “The Munsters”
At theat moment, their cell door opened and a guard stepped in, announcing crisply, “Ladies, you got yourselves a new cellmate.” Then turning to the hallway outside, she added, “Step right in here, here’s your new home for the next 40 years.”
To the horror of [Lily and Marilyn Munster], in stepped a 250 pound black haired woman, covered in the most ugliest tattoos, with the most stinkiest breath; she turned to the Munster women and said in a rough voice, “OK, ladies, there’s going to be some changes here whatever you like it or not, so just enjoy it…” From there, she cracked her knuckles and bunched her fists just as Lily said to Marilyn, “And you said it can’t get worse.”
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“Aw, here it goes.”
Hoo boy…
Q: Who loves “Anacondas of the Night”?
A: D-D-DDG loves “Anacondas of the Night.”
Q: Is it true?
A: Mmmmm-hmmmm. I do I do I do I do-oo.
I’m not easily disturbed, but shit… Potsie shooting his dad was awesome. Fonzie cat approves.
I gotta admit, I was really worried that The Fresh Prince one was going in a much worse direction.
Slash fiction refers to same sex couplings, usually with characters who are straight. Slash fiction does not mean erotic. You should probably get that right. Fanfic with sex in it is usually referred to simply as NC17 or PWW (porn without plot).
I am all for Urkel and Alf having an episode together, but any person who still watches 30 Rock dreaming for Liz and Jack to hook up needs a kick to the groin.
I’m also pissed I never thought of writing fan fiction for Wishbone. Is Ghostwriter already taken??
I’ll never understand why so many 30 Rock fans want Liz and Jack to hook up. Are we watching the same show?
Ashley just outed herself.
Thanks for the tip, Ashley.
/still doesn’t understand or care the difference
Nononononononononononononono, why did I read the 30 Rock part, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
*pours glass of scotch, stares out window, jumps through window to glorious death*
See?!
we so-called civilized creatures are HUGE fans of murder and incest, sometimes in the same story.
Duh. Why do you think Hamlet has been so successful over the centuries?
People who see sexual chemistry between Liz and Jack have some major daddy issues, seeing as he’s clearly more of a mentor/father figure.
I was a huge part of the X-Files fandom when I was in 8th and 9th grade. Some things just stick with you.
“PWW (porn without plot).” Porn has plots?
/agrees with ILPHAPH, also doesn’t understand or care about the difference
…You should probably get that right.
Josh scoffed at Ashley’s stern yet seemingly harmless remark, but as he turned around and took a drag from his Lucky Strike, she drove an ice pick through the back of his neck. As he gasped for his final breaths, she whispered, “Seriously, how hard is it to understand the difference between fan fiction and slash fiction, jerk?”
Ashley, why is Porn Without Plot abbreviated as PWW?
Slash fiction should be about murder, like a slasher film. I don’t know what they should call fiction about same sex couplings. Maybe, Gay Fiction? I don’t know.
And while I’m at it, I just have to say that this post is going to give me nightmares. Especially the one about Gob and Michael. Blech.
To be fair, X-Files fandom practically wrote the book on crazy fan fiction.
@Taco Jones: I meant PWP. (Whoops, typo.)
@Upstate Underdog: I just think if you’re going to write a blog post that is widely read that you should get your facts right. Slash fiction is really controversial within fandom circles (or at least it used to be), and is usually considered to be ever weirder than regular fanfiction, which is saying something, I think.
The best type of fiction always begins with the words, “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
One dday Urkel was walking down the street.
For his sake, I hope it wasn’t in a town in Normandy.
All this time, I thought the actual episode of “Happy Days” where Joanie has a crush on Potsie — calling him “Dren” because it’s “nerd spelled backwards” and he’s not a nerd — was as disturbing as it could get.
Nice work, internet losers.
Ashley, valid points. I’ll take your word for it. As you can probably tell, I’m old.
/goes back to reading Penthouse Forum
Probably going to lose my job, I’m laughing pretty hard at the Gob/Michael fan fiction, silly Buster and his birthday. Knee slapper.
@UU – or “Dog. Big dog. Little dog.”
@ILPHAPH, “Do you like my hat?”
@Patty Boots Agreed. There are some really frickin weird ones out there, but for overall weirdness, I’d say the Harry Potter fanfic writers take the cake. Harry/Giant Squid, anyone?
My favorite kind of fiction is the elaborate one I tell my co-workers about what I did over the weekend. “A cotillion? They still have those?” “You just have to know the right fabulously wealthy people, Carol.”
How about all fan fiction be forced to include sex and murder to make it interesting and worth reading?
jesus christ.
I tried to start a fan fiction club for the 70s Donny and Marie Show, but everything I wrote ended up being true.
/off to masturbate to DVR-ed Marie Osmond weight loss commercials
How about all fan fiction be forced to include sex and murder to make it interesting and worth reading?
I think we should force all authors of fan fiction to have sex first before they’re allowed to write anything.
Or murder. Whatever.
the alf/urkel one had me in fucking tears, especially the beginning.
One dday Urkel was walking down the street. He went into the bakery that he worked at. As he was walking in, the bell on the dor rang and Urkel shouted “DID I DO THAT?” and everyone in the bakery laughed. One of the people in the bakery was Alf. Alf went upp to Urkle and said “hey Urkel your a funny guy” Urkel said “thanks” and then Alf said “hey I am going to be going back to my home planet now do you want to come with me?” and Urkel said ok.
Not even close. There are some freakier harry potter ones out there.
Hagrid/Ginny
Hermione/Sorting Hat
Giant Squid/Hogwarts
Somehow you missed the terribly atrocious House fanfic that had House falling in love with a woman who is the pure definition of a Mary Sue but ends up being a ridiculous surprise. The original’s missing, but sara_wolf did a brilliant MST of it. Without the MST, the disturbing factor in this is far past eleven.
Part One: [community.livejournal.com]
Part Two:
[community.livejournal.com]
Part Three:
[community.livejournal.com]
@ThePaisleyChair That. Was. Incredible! +10 for sharing.
I love the Supernatural slash fic. Wincest rules.
Porn Without Plot = Porn
It hurts to know that I will never write anything as funny as that Urkel/Alf fan fiction.
“The story is called “rectified anonymity” and it is by author David Garrett. One final warning — if last week’s story of Luke and Leia and Han pooping and fucking and killing themselves made you at all uncomfortable, do not read this. I’m utterly serious. This is quantifiably 100 times worse, because it’s written in utter seriousness.”
[www.toplessrobot.com]
You missed out on the main one… any Internet veteran will cringe at the words “Agony in Pink.”
[home.comcast.net] (SO NSFW)
@ ashley. how about explaining the difference between a calzone and a stromboli? that has more relevance in my life.
I have to say those who criticize fanfiction by calling it disturbing are biased and aren’t trying to understand it. Yes, there are some disturbing fics, but then again in real life, there are some disturbing people. It doesn’t change once they start writing a story and there isn’t a law saying that they can’t. Most fanfic writer’s are teens. Most of them don’t understand the art of writing and how to write in character and realistically. Then the are very few teens who are very good writers. Nine times out of ten, when writing slash, they are acting out their own fantasies. It can still be disturbing, but it is true. They see two attractive males and want to see them be together–sexually or just romantically.
I’m very familiar with the X-Files community and it has a little bit of everything. But, there are some spectacularly written stories in there as well. As far as 30 Rock goes (Jack/Liz), shipping in general is a tricky area. Either there is something between them or there isn’t, BUT in most cases people see what they want to. Tina Fey said herself that there is sexually tension between them, but she will never have them get together. Just because he is her mentor doesn’t mean this should automatically translate to father figure because she has one. If a person doesn’t want two people to get together, they’ll find any reason to justify why they shouldn’t. But, they same logic applies to those who do want to people together.