To capitalize on March Madness (and also get millions of extra clicks on their website), Esquire had an online bracket to determine the Sexiest Woman Alive -- even though they just named Minka Kelly the Sexiest Woman in the World six months ago. I guess those two are different somehow? Like, maybe Minka Kelly could be dead and still really hot? Or maybe the Sexiest Woman Alive could live on the moon?
Anyway, the winner of the tournament was Katrina Bowden of "30 Rock," who bested last year's winner Brooklyn Decker. Also in the running were my favorite 18-year-old Kate Upton (a 13-seed? WTF?), Bar Refaeli (an 8-seed???), Katy Perry (a 1-seed? Okay, whoever did the seeding was definitely gay), Lana from "Archer" (14-seed), Christina Hendricks (3-seed), and... Bristol Palin? Oh, Esquire. Even when you do something right, you do it wrong.
Listen, I'm not here to argue about who's sexier than whom, or which impossible-to-attain women I would deign to sleep with. All I'm sayin' is, Katrina Bowden has a lot of underwear that shows off her fantastic ass. I think that's something we can all agree on. Now who wants to sing "Kumbaya"?
(Esquire's ad-heavy slideshow here; my favorites are on the following slides.)
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/226/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/This-Morning-ITV-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/tracy-150x150.jpeg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/arrested-tops-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wonder-woman-02-150x150.jpg)
Excuse me while slide 6 and I adjourn to the bathroom.
Yes, slide #6 is the winner.
And Upton being a #13 seed and Perry a #1 is fucking insanity.
fantastic ass but nothing going on up front
As meatsack has taken slide #6, I will take slide #9 if that is okay with everyone?
I think Bowden needs to leave 30 Rock as she does nothing in it. She deserves her own show.
/Grabs lotion
#7 is just asking for a prone bone. I’m into wish fulfillment.
Technically, this bracket was “Sexiest Woman Alive,” as opposed to Minka Kelly’s title of Sexiest Woman in the World.”
Although the fact that Minka didn’t show up anywhere in this field of 64 leads me to believe Esquire thinks she is a vampire or a ghost.
Thanks, DG — I’ll edit to note the difference.
everyone knows Esquire is a gay magazine with arty pictures of chicks as a beard.
Bowden used to live in the same building in Union Square as a friend of mine. I rode the elevator with her once, and it may well have been one of my top-five sexual experiences of all time.
Forget sexual orientation. How could anyone rank Katy Perry over Christina Hendricks? Katy Perry is the worst. Just the worst.
/lawyer’d
Or maybe the Sexiest Woman Alive could live on the moon?
Because that ass is OUTTA THIS WORLD WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA
Those pics of Katrina Bowden were shot for Esquire by the dapper gentlemen at http://www.meinmyplace.com (quite NSFW, obviously). That is a treasure trove of girls who I wish were attracted to a slightly overweight 32-year old.
Maybe they could include Katy Perry’s tits as its own entrance, purposefully leaving the rest of that annoying butterfaced d-bag off.
And I love that Lana from Archer is on there…it doesn’t hurt that a stacked tall smokin hot black women is actually voiced by a stacked tall smokin hot black woman.
Also, Amber Rose is what I think of when I’m trying to lose a boner.
Also also, having Jessica Alba in the movies category and not Jessica Biel is a travesty, considering the former has been proven to have herpes and the latter only possibly has it (thanks to a certain Yankee shortstop who apparently dishes it out like candy).
And Megan Fox always looks sticky and has thumbs shaped like big toes.
@Anthony – while I appreciate that link, what makes that site NSFW but this site SFW, in your estimation. There wasn’t a nipple or vagina to be found on it.
/at least through the first 15 pages….
@M’balzEsHari – Alba has herpes? Proof? I ask because I need to get tested if that is true.
Yeah a quick google search reveals her Valtrex prescription, courtesy of Derek Jeter.
Actually do a search for “celebrities with herpes” and you’ll probably stop masturbating forever.
So…. Jeter is probably contaminating Minka Kelly with the herp?
Fuck Derek Jeter in the ass with a baby goat. This guy needs to die. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Grabs gun*
I’ve got nothing to add. Just commenting to say good work.
Derek Jeter is a living petri dish of the stuff.
[www.ourbookofscrap.com]
Solid proof of people he’s infected has only been found about a few people though. The rest are hiding it or extremely lucky.
Her grandpa is Bobby Bowden, that old ass football coach in Florida. You think at any point in time he has used his granddaughter’s ass as a recruiting tool?
@GiantCrab
That’s how they got 1993 Heisman winner Charlie Ward.
Kate Upton touched my penis once. It literally exploded 2 seconds. Best year in the hospital I ever spent.
Kate Upton? Take away her rack and I dated a girl that looked just like her. I’m not that impressed with her.
OK, my issues with the list:
1. Who in the fuck thinks that Hoda and Kathie Lee deserve to be in anything with Sexy in the title? How old are the people that put this list together? My guess is 84.
2. Nothing against Lana, but how does a cartoon character belong on a list of Sexiest Women ALIVE. She is not of the living, technically, as she does not have a pulse, or a soul.
@ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos; granted no nudity (a wee nipple peek), however having my screen towards my door and working with several women it is indeed NSFW, so I appreciate the warning.
@Pamsrack; not that I doubt you, but yes I doubt you.
There must have been some type of error with this bracket since Olivia Wilde didn’t win.
The site has nipple and bush. Keep digging.
“The site has nipple and bush. Keep digging.”
Put forth one’s challenge and I accept forthwith, good sir!
Not that anyone’s gonna see this (since it’s now two days afterward), but Tim Was Tim is right–there is nipple and bush. And even if you didn’t get that far, I figured I’d just give a quick CYA warning–I know some places are a bit more strict than others when it comes to what’s SFW and what’s not.
Either way, it’s a nice, understated, soft counterpoint to the usual porn that comes across my screen.