Nick Offerman Reacts to the Ron Swanson Turkey Burger

On a recent episode of “Parks and Recreation,” Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) expressed confusion at the notion of a turkey burger, thinking that it was a fried turkey leg inside a large hamburger. In response to that, Eater made just such a burger, even though their execution was a retarded abomination that involved BAKING the hamburger and leaving the bone in the turkey leg (my promise to you: I can and will make a better Ron Swanson turkey burger).

ANYWAY, the A.V. Club emailed Offerman about the burger’s existence, and he replied with several Swansonian quotes:

“I made this burger for Charlie Sheen, and he shook my hand.”

“I was so honored to prepare this burger for Chuck Norris, it made me cry. Until he punched the tears off my face.”

“I’m just glad to finally distract the public from Urkell’s infamous Toffifay inside a Ding Dong.”

“I made one of these for Jesus and he said I was his fantasy of an true American.”

“I foresee a Swanson’s drive-thru, serving only Turkey Leg Burgers, the ‘Swanson’ (bacon-wrapped turkey leg), deviled eggs and Lagavulin Scotch in a to-go cup.”

“I love this meal. My wife gets upset, though, when I eat the bone.”

“This pleases me much. Now please, someone, prepare a Meat Tornado inside a Sirloin.”

Oh God, I want Swanson’s Drive-Thru to be a reality. Bacon-wrapped turkey, deviled eggs, and scotch? That’s the breakfast of champions. I just hope they don’t stop serving it at 11:00 a.m.