It's about that time, people. Time for another round of my groundbreaking and/or awful TV show pitches. As always, I've got twenty ideas that are guaranteed to improve the quality of any network's schedule. This edition features the usual crappy reality shows and cookie cutter TNT/USA original programming, as well as some made-for-TV movies and a couple ideas for potential CBS spin-offs. Hell, there's even a children's show thrown in there. It may be my best work to date. (A word of warning: slide 19 is a teensy bit NSFW.)
One brief production note before we begin: if anyone can explain to me how in the name of Zack Morris I didn't come up with the idea for "Franklin & Bash," I'm all ears. Seriously. A show about two zany lawyers who play by their own rules, love high fives, fight for the little guy, throw parties where everyone drinks out of red plastic cups, and instruct busty witnesses to take of their blouses in the middle of a trial? IT'S GOT EVERYTHING! Between my previous two TV pitch posts and this one, I've come up with sixty ideas. I've covered doctors, bankers, nuns, assassins, judges, and a bunch of lawyer shows. How I missed this one, I'll never understand.
In summation, I'm livid.
CBS Spinoffs
Summary: A spinoff of "How I Met Your Mother" set in Sin City. SPOILER ALERT: She was a prostitute!
Title: How I Met Your Mother: Las Vegas
Summary: In a classic fish out of water scenario, a group of physicist nerds are given a grant to do research in the deep south... where they don't take kindly to discussions of Stephen Hawking's view of a godless universe. Hilarity (sic) ensues.
Title: Big Bang Theory: Bible Belt
A business burqa??? Stone the harlot!
Summary: A spinoff of "The Good Wife" set in a fundamentalist Middle Eastern country. Instead of being centered around a lawyer who is married to an adulterous politician, the main character stays at home and can't own property.
Title: The Good Wife: Iran
Summary: Horatio Caine in the role he was born to play. After being fired from the Miami police force, Horatio opens up an office as a private eye. Lots of voiceovers, punny one-liners, fedoras, saxophones, and dames that ain't nuthin' but trouble.
Title: CSI: Miami: Nights
BONUS CORNY TAGLINE: If you thought the days were hot in Miami... wait until you see the nights.
Daytime/Reality Shows
Summary: A reboot of the MTV 90s staple "The Grind," featuring cast members from "Jersey Shore."
Title: DJ Pauly D Presents The Grind featuring The Situation
Note: The fact that this hasn't already happened is MIND-BOGGLING to me. Hell, bring back the whole Beach House. You could have this show, one where JWOWW and her implants host a music countdown, a dating show where Snooki picks out a new gorilla juicebox (or whatever it is she likes) every week, and one where Angelina sits in a dunk tank on the boardwalk and passers-by can pay $1 for three chances to dunk her. Instead of sending them to Italy, MTV should have just put the animals in charge of the zoo this summer in New Jersey. It would have been riveting television.
Summary: Since Oprah quit her talk show, there's a huge hole in the daytime schedule. What better way to fill that hour than to give Gary Busey a live microphone and full creative control.
Title: The Gary Busey Show
Summary: Twenty nerds vie for the affection of a fiery mamacita, and overcome their timid disposition, by learning the ancient Spanish art of bullfighting.
Title: Matadorks
Summary: A game show where bored billionaires offer poor contestants ungodly amounts of money to take part in demeaning, morally questionable activities. Sometimes things get sexy.
Title: How Bad Do You Want to Be a Millionaire?
Summary: Ray Lewis hosts a show where he tries to get troubled youths to give up their wicked ways and accept Jesus Christ into their lives as their personal savior.
Title: REPENT, MOTHERF-CKER.
Out of frame: Me crouching and brandishing a whipped cream pie
Summary: A "Punk'd"-style show where celebrities are the victims of practical jokes. But here's the twist: the pranks are done by everyday joes with their own video cameras, like "America's Funniest Home Videos." Basically, this pitch exists for me to have a proper forum to smash Guy Fieri in the face with a pie.
Title: Punk'd: Civilian Edition
Summary: A game show where contestants are sealed in a 8 x 8 booth with overweight people who just ate a disgusting combination of food. Prizes awarded based on the amount of time they are able to stay in the booth without leaving or opening the vents.
Title: Fart Attack
Summary: A children's show featuring a colorfully dressed doctor who goes on adventures and teaches kids important facts about science, medicine, and nature.
Title: The Adventures of Dr. Aloysius Stinkybutt
Note: This idea is a gold mine. A learning element to please the parents, the word "Stinkybutt" to delight the kids... it can't fail.
TNT/USA Original Programming
Summary: A blue blood brain surgeon is sent by his hospital's board of directors to open a new unit in a downtrodden South American town. He has to deal with broken equipment, run-down facilities, and language issues with the locals. Despite this, he learns to enjoy it with the help of an attractive, mysterious nurse named Maria.
Title: The Other Hemisphere
Summary: A down-on-his-luck actor/improv comedian stumbles into a gig as a wedding date for hire, taking on roles designed by the women who enlist his services. One week he's a fancy London banker, the next he's a bad boy rocker from Seattle. But wait, there's a twist! He has to keep his new career a secret from his improv classmate Sarah, who he's had a crush on for years. Hijinks ensue.
Title: Breaking Character
Summary: Gruff, no-nonsense police chief Ed "Cannon" Carmichael gets carried away one day, declares all of the town's cops to be live wires, and takes every one of them off all of their cases ("DAMMIT! The mayor's gonna have my ass for all your hotshot shenanigans! That's it! Badges and guns! ALL OF YOU!"). He's left to handle the entire department's caseload himself, with only untested bookish rookie Spencer Pencilneck to assist him.
Title: Loose Cannon
Summary: High-powered lawyer Rex "T-Rex" Sanders decides to give up the profession after a particularly unjust result for a client. He teams up with his grandfather, legendary grifter Conrad "One Shoe" Sanders, and the two of them combine their talents to game the system and get justice for their clients outside the rigid confines of the law.
Title: Dupe Process
Summary: A successful, eccentric, Lebowski-type pot dealer gets sent to prison for possession and intent to distribute. Once he gets out, he decides to go legit. He uses the lessons he learned in the drug trade, and a colorful cast of former clients turned employees, to help his small mom-and-pop convenience store survive against the giant chains moving into his area.
Title: Nickels and Dimebags
Summary: In an attempt to drive his stuffy family crazy, rebellious Prince Reginald (of the fictional country Standishland) marries airhead American beauty queen Mallory Bustington after a hard night of partying. Two days after the wedding, the Prince and his parents die in a tragic fox hunting accident, leaving Mallory as Standlishland's rightful successor to the throne. With the assistance of her royal handlers and staff, she learns to rule with grace and fairness.
Title: Bimbo Queen
Note: Some of you may be thinking, "Hey, DG... isn't this pretty much the plot of the hilarious John Goodman movie King Ralph?" My response: You ask an awful lot of questions, fella.
Made-for-TV Movies
Summary: In a Lifetime Original Movie, one mother struggles to prevent her adult son from marrying Mary Francis Kille, who she suspects of being a notorious praying mantis. Three of Mary's previous husbands died under mysterious circumstances after consummating the relationship on their wedding night. Can her new fiancé's mother stop her in time?
Title: Stay Away From Mary F. Kille!
Note: Get it? GET IT?! (*nudges readers with elbow*)
Summary: In the NFL Network's first foray into movies, a horrible, scary world where the Players Association has gotten all their labor demands met is depicted. There's no draft! Players are free to run amok both on and off the field! This lawlessness has spun out of control, and now the players are wreaking havoc on America. At the film's climax, Ray Lewis will call Commissioner Goodell, and they will have this conversation:
Ray Lewis: If the players aren't given all of the gold in Fort Knox by midnight tonight, I'm going to blow up the Hoover Dam.
Roger Goodell: But Ray... you can't do that! Think of all the lives that will be lost!
Ray Lewis: Too bad you didn't put anything about killing thousands of innocent people in the Collective Bargaining Agreement! MUAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Will our hero Roger Goodell and the brave owners be able to band together to stop the dastardly actions of the evil players? Will Hoover Dam and thousands of lives be saved? Find out in the exciting NFL Original Movie...
Title: Midnight in the Garden of Goodell and Evil
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I would watch that Punk’d show if you replaced smashing a pie in Guy Fieri’s face with smashing a brick in Guy Fieri’s face.
Sweet Jeebus. That picture of Busey is startling.
I would watch any of these.
I can’t believe Breaking Character hasn’t been made into a rom-com already.
I would happy watch CSI:Miami:Nights if there was an equivalent to a 23-year old Angie Harmon involved.
@ Roast Geef – Fact: I originally thought it up as a rom-com like two months ago while daydreaming in class, and tweeted “I just thought up a rom-com so rom-comy that I think Kate Hudson’s agent’s phone actually rang.”
Seriously, DG, you need to copyright that “Breaking Character” idea, IMEEEEDIATELY! Fox will make a movie out of that with Kate Hudson and Gerard Butler so fast it’ll make your stomach spin.
FACT: I made my comment before I even knew about DG’s & Geef’s. I am truly one with the Glomo mindset.
@ La Schmoove – Fact: It’s a common misconception that you have to “register” something to have any copyright protection for it. The fact that I wrote it in this post means it already IS protected by copyright to a substantial degree. Says the guy who did a two-week unit on Copyright Law.
Boom. Lawyer’d.
@ Danger Guerrero
I follow you on twitter and actually recall that tweet. You we’re 10000% correct, sir.
we’re? were.
Engrish unpossible etc etc
Yeah, “Breaking Character” sounds like it’s already in development. “It’s ‘Human Target’ meets ‘Wedding Crashers’! We’ve struck gold, Jerry! GOLD!”
I also have a note for the “Big Bang Theory” spin-off. Call it “Git ‘Em Dead” and the show sells itself down South.
I’d hoping Matadorks is like a spinoff of “The Pickup Artist” and is hosted by Mystery’s sidekick, who was aptly named Matador.
Damn you for making me click most of the way through for Lucy Pinder’s boob and bless you for developing REPENT, MOTHERF*CKER. I’d like to order a billion seasons.
Season finale of Matadorks: In order to win the fine mamacita’s affection the dorks have to defeat eachother in a death match before facing the bull at the end. Spoiler alert: The bull defeats everyone. Bestiality ensues..
Boom. Lawyer’d
You forgot “drops knives. Exits murder pit.”
“This Fall on USA: He can be anyone you want him to be…
[Cue quick scenes where the main character identifies himself in different roles]
Just don’t ask him to be himself.
[Cue sexy love interest asking him why he isn't around as much as he used to be, cue the main character stumbling from one lonely client to the next, cue black friend asking him how he's going to keep his secret, cue mentor/wacky personality explaining that it's "not lying, just acting"]
This September, the perfect man is just a phone call away.
Breaking Character. [cue parting shot of lonely hot cougar sitting on a bed in lingerie, "Do I qualify for the full service?" Main Character: "Oh Boy".] September 2011
Cut Print
@ thecursor – Throw in a record scratch or two and the song “Two Princes” playing in the background and that’s perfect.
Mighty fine work, cursor. I can see my wife dragging me to see this hot piece of garbage now.
Standishland must have some fairly odd rules of succesion for the wife of the prince to be in line in any way. Normally a marriage is not enough, and the crown would probably (assuming the prince is an only child) go to a brother (or uncle if no brother etc.) of the king.
I don’t get the Mary F Kille one. And now I feel stupid. Thanks, DG!
@CoP, cool story bro.
Mary F. Kille aka MFK aka marry, fuck, kill.
@ Cow of Pain – Fair point. COUNTERPOINT: Loogit those cans!
Bimbo Queen reminded me of King Ralph mostly because John Goodman had a HUGE rack.
@Cow of Pain- I think the point is like a King Ralph situation where EVERYBODY else is dead and it’s either this or no monarchy.
@DG- I work in tv production, I’m pretty sure I’ve helped cut the promo I described. I’m also assuming at the start of the pilot, the main character is “Hollywood ugly” with a bad wardrobe and glasses and then by the end of the episode he’s wearing 900 dollar suits and has a fancy haircut and looks like that guy from White Collar and the love interest is this “complex brunette” who is dating this complete douchebag that is probably cheating on her.
I think Standishland is one of the Seven Kingdoms on Game of Thrones, so pretty much everybody is in the line of succession.
There’s a Funny or Die pitch for a premium cable old timey intrigue show, but they neglected to call it Fancy a Beej, M’Lord?
How about a show about nothing? Nah, nevermind, that would never work.
I swear I wrote out pretty much that exact plot of “Breaking Character” but it was a movie about a fake-best-man service, and he falls in love with the maid of honor, who is also just an actress.
Nice to see that the Hand-Bra is the national garment of Standishland.
I’m trying to get the Hand-Cup to catch on here, but with few takers.
breaking charachter is so good it gives you a period when you read it. That shit is getting stolen.
Ray Lewis just slayed Matt.
RIP, Uff
“Midnight in the Garden of Goodell and Evil”
I almost choked to death on a pretzel reading that. My wife thinks I’ve lost it. Bravo.
Isn’t “How Bad Do You Want to Be a Millionaire?” effectively the same as the plot to the movie Rat Race?
I want to see Ray Lewis blow up the Hoover Dam so badly, but mostly because that would mean Goodell loses. Man, I hate Goodell so much.
The need a show where Gary busey tortures people with his superior intellect.
Title: Mind A-Busey
I don’t think I could ever suspend disbelief far enough to watch a show in which the NFL owners were heroes. It just isn’t possible. At least two of them are already cartoon supervillians.
I also can’t buy the premise of REPENT, MOTHERF*CKER, because everyone knows Ray Lewis’ supposed religious epiphany conversion “I’m a good person now all of a sudden so like me” is complete bullshit.
“A game show where bored billionaires offer poor contestants ungodly amounts of money to take part in demeaning, morally questionable activities.”
I don’t care how much they offer, I refuse to act like a lawyer. ZZZZIIINNNGGG!!!
Yeah…..:Breaking Character” could actually be a good show/movie. That’s a quality concept that could produced relatively easily