Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Season premiere. With the hapless, ineffectual hippies returning, so too does one of my favorite Photoshops. If I could have one superpower, I’d want it to be the ability to make Photoshops come true.
MTV Movie Awards (MTV, Sunday) — Jason Sudeikis hosts the annual convention for young people screeching at the slightest mention of Twilight. Kristin Stewart is nominated for Best Kiss twice: once each with Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson. (I just voted for Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman out of principle.)
Next Food Network Star (Food Network, Sunday) — From the channel that brought you Rachel Ray, Guy Fieri, and that chick that looks like Guy Fieri. I’m sure the winner will be a tastefully subtle gourmand.
VH1 Storytellers: My Morning Jacket (VH1) — I’ve never totally fallen under their spell, but MMJ has a deserved reputation for being one of the best live bands on the planet.
The Ultimate Fighter (Spike, Saturday) — Season finale. If you’re an MMA fan, check out With Leather’s take on the Joe Rogan/Maggie Hendricks situation (aka “C*ntgate”).
The Real L Word (Showtime, Sunday) — Season premiere. Only one cast member returns from the inaugural season of “The Real Lesbians of L.A.” Can anyone confirm that the opening credits is a Scissor Sisters song?
Ice Road Truckers (History, Sunday) — Season premiere. One of the stars was arrested for allegedly beating his wife in front of his nine-year-old son — but not in front of cameras. And that’s why E! gets more viewers than History. There’s no chance any of the Kardashians will ever get punched off camera.