As if we needed further proof that devout Christians are terrible at making quality entertainment, here’s “The Real Housewives of the Bible,” a DVD that you can purchase online if you find Tyler Perry movies too racy. Created by religious sexpert Ty Adams, the series retells Bible stories to help modern women with their lives and marriages.
“If you want to find out about love, you go to the original manufacturer, you go to the blueprint. God himself is love and he understands relationships more than any of us and he understands how love operates more than any of us because he is love,” Adams added. “God is not as far away from your experiences and will understand. I think it’s an excellent opportunity for people to see how the Bible actually relates to everyday life.” [Fox News via Gawker TV]
My favorite Biblical wives are Lot’s wife (who got turned into a pillar of salt for looking over her shoulder) and Job’s wife, who God killed to test Job and then later replaced with a new wife. The everyday lessons for modern women: (1) obey or be turned into a condiment, and (2) your husband will be just as happy with a new wife. The Bible rules.
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On the back of the dvd is there a sunburst that says, “Instantly Cures Homosexuality”?
And again I wait for Ezekiel 23:20. Until I get to my personal computer at home.
Did I read the headline and automatically assume this would involve black housewives? Absolutely.
**facepalm**
Abigail seems like a total bitch.
I bet Lot’s cardiologist was constantly warning him about the dangers of cunnilingus.
Salt is a seasoning, not a condiment. You’re thinking of Abraham’s Wife, Yoshabel, who spoke the name of Jehovah even though it was forbidden for a woman to do so, and was turned into pickle relish.
Don’t forget Rebekah, who was married at 14 and whose husband went blind because she worshiped idols. Slut.
What about Lot’s daughters, who got him drunk and then banged him in a cave? Not precisely marriage-related, but definitely sexy.
Salt is a seasoning, not a condiment.
[dictionary.reference.com]
“something used to give a special flavor to food, as mustard, ketchup, salt, or spices.”
Don’t step, people. Don’t even step.
the fuck was Lot’s wife doin’ out of the kitchen?!?!
As a producer on the Beverly Hills franchise, I have to say, bragging about “having this car”, and seeing it’s a chevy, isn’t exactly the ‘bling’ most networks hope for.
Hey now…God was violent, petty and cruel in the OLD Testament. That’s why they wrote another one. god 2.0 was kinder and gentler. He sent his son to earth to get beaten the fuck out of because humans – which God made – are sinful. Totally our fault. Just like when I bake a shitty cake, it’s the cake’s fault.
I thought the lesson of Lot was two-fold – 1) you can a-salt your wife (heh heh), and 2) you can sleep with your two virginal daughters, claim drunkenness and blame them (this is after you offer them up to an angry crowd for rape). Heck, considering the “original manufacturer” seduces a woman he is not married to, and then leaves her with no child support, nor does he marry her (but convinces some other schleb to do so and support his kid)…well, he does sound like a role-model for many already.
Well, when you put it like that…..
God does work in mysterious ways-the Bible Housewives clip finally made me comment on Uproxx!!!! I find it interesting that they couldn’t find anyone better that could at least act, and there is no respectable woman that has a Camaro, who would walk her fine ass up her own driveway! And, egads, that woman got away with slapping her man on camera?!?! camera goes off, she gets the crap slapped out of her, has to get him a ‘foty’, and line his s**t up!!! How was that for stereotypes?!?!?