Simon Cowell Is F’n Weird

With the debut of the American “X Factor” looming, GQ profiled Simon Cowell for its most recent issue, and hoo boy are there some oddities that stick out. Although the multi-millionaire record producer-turned-TV star swears that his average, unrefined cultural tastes are what made him successful, his morning routine definitely doesn’t align with the common man’s.

In addition to getting a weekly intravenous vitamin drip, Cowell’s last act every night is to text his executive assistant what time he wants his breakfast, which is prepared and brought to him by his housekeeper. Every day for the last five years, Cowell has had the same breakfast:

Hot water with lemon. Then papaya juice with lime… Then oatmeal. Then tea. Then three different smoothies—a spinach smoothie,^¹ an antioxidant smoothie,^² and a super smoothie with seven fruits.^³

1. The specific recipes, as supplied by his assistant: 1 banana, 2 large handfuls of fresh young spinach, the juice of half a lemon, a small amount of freshly crushed ginger, a small glass of water, a tablespoon of honey, and 12 ice cubes, served in a tall glass with a black bendy straw.

2. One large carrot, 2 sticks of celery, 1 banana, 1 green apple, 25 green grapes, 3 slices of fresh ginger, 1 tablespoon of honey, 1 cup of orange juice, and 10 ice cubes.

3. One hundred twenty-six milliliters of grape juice, either red or green (30 grapes), 20 milliliters of blueberry puree (15 blueberries), 20 milliliters of strawberry puree (9 strawberries), 20 milliliters of apple puree (half an apple), 10 milliliters of lingonberry juice (8 lingonberries), 8 milliliters of acerola juice (5 acerola berries), and 8 milliliters of aronia juice (5 chokeberries).

In addition to that, Cowell relaxes every night in a warm bath of the freshly spilled blood of Cambodian babies, and before taping love shows, he snorts a mixture of ground-up rhinoceros horn and gold dust. (Probably.)

But seriously, that breakfast every day for FIVE YEARS. His bowel movements must be glorious.