Wipe away the nostalgia, and you’ll see that the early 1980s were an awful time. The scourge of crack cocaine was turning America’s inner cities into war zones, the AIDS epidemic was in full swing, and the threat of nuclear annihilation loomed large. But of all the horrifying things to come out of that miserable decade, the Disney Channel is by far the most troubling.
In theory, a channel devoted to the legacy of Walt Disney seems harmless enough. But in practice, aside from the occasional airing of “Duck Presents” (a.k.a. “Quake Attack”), the Disney Channel is home to some of the most nauseating programs in television history, and has given birth to some of the most vile celebrities on the planet. Come with me as we explore Walt Disney’s greatest shame, the Disney Channel.
“The Suite Life On Deck”
“The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” chronicles the “sweet life” of two teenage twins who live at fancy hotel. Unless you’re a tween-aged girl or a pedophile, it doesn’t get much worse. Oh, wait; Yes it does. “The Suite Life On Deck” is a spin-off of the original show in which Zack and Cody now attend high-school on a luxury cruise ship. Must be nice, you smug little pricks.
Here’s hoping the show ends in a similar manner to the Achille Lauro hijacking.
Note: It was just announced that actress Brenda Song, who plays London Tipton on the show, is pregnant by way of Trace Cyrus (Miley’s brother and this tattooed emo queerbag). Here’s wishing them both the best of luck with raising a child that will undoubtedly grow up to be the next Hitler.
“Dumbo’s Circus”
Compared to the other crap on this list, “Dumbo’s Circus” is probably a better show. At the end of the day, it was at least trying to entertain and educate children, as opposed to selling them sh*tty pop music. And I don’t remember “Lionel the Lion” smoking Salvia and banging Adam Lambert. But the crappy costumes and jarring animatronics were so phony that it made me sad for the actors inside, even as wee child. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re old enough to realize the guy in the Santa suit is just your dad’s drunken friend who got arrested for burning his wife with a curling iron.
Not to mention the fact that Dumbo, the world’s only flying elephant, had somehow become the world’s only talking elephant. And how the hell did he end up owning the circus? He doesn’t have any money. He’s a goddamn elephant!
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Hold on who the hell is “Jason?” No intro?
That being said, the mom on The Suite Life was kind of hot and I’m pretty sure Brenda Song is blind.
Ooooooooohh, Danger Guerrero is gonna be maaaadddddd.
*Begins to load dueling musket* Welp, Ms. Kapowski’s honor must now be defended, so I will meet you on the field of battle of your choosing.
Instead of bemoaning the careers launched on Kids Incorporated, maybe celebrate the careers that weren’t lost. How’s it going Rashaan Patterson?
I’d also like to welcome JC Chasez to this thread. He just found this blog while Googling “careers.”
*weren’t lost” I’m sure I meant “weren’t”
My guardian angle is Kurt
Hmmm, directed by a guy named Bonerz? Any relation to the Growing Pains character? Secret Kirk Cameron conspiracy?
PS: Miss Bliss can parent my trap any day.
It’s really hard to explain the rage that pictures of Trace Cyrus cause me to experience.
I’m with Upstate, I need to know who Jason is so I can rip him to shreds like kids do at school with the sub teachers.
Mind you, none of these were cartoons so he’s already better than Josh.
No hating on Justin Timberlake. Dude’s become a legit good actor.
Nothing with Selena Gomez in it should ever be criticized…..
…..especially when she makes her first porno….
@UU – the only thing remotely enjoyable about that show or “Wizards…” were the milf-y moms. Or at least, the actresses who played the milf-y moms.
Oh and I’ve come to irritate my kids even more by obnoxiously laughing along with the laugh track to those shows. Best. Workout. Ever. After 5 minutes you’ll have done the equivalent of like 2,000 crunches.
No I don’t watch Wizards of Waverly Place. I’M AN ADULT!!!!!
I’m with UU and Smegga- who the hell is this guy?
I blame the Disney Channel for the Efronization of this generation of American actors, with their fruity hair and queer vests.
[douses this post with gasoline]
[lights match]
Take it back.
Dumbos Circus is 10 times better than Zoobeli Zoo
Nickalodeon, too. Nick, Jr. has no commercials and a few OK shows for preschoolers…then all of a sudden they outgrow Nick Jr., watch regular Nickalodeon with its shit programming for a few years, then after that it’s a transition into MTV. Ugh, this is the Devil’s due that we pay for excellent programs like Breaking Bad and Community.
But with no Mickey Mouse Club, we would never have Ryan “HuggingMachine” Gosling.
Was that a young Steve Urkel in Ms. Bliss’ class?
@Smegga I don’t even know what that means.
@Josh – I’m just playing. I’m just one of those guys who doesn’t like cartoons or animated shows, and you do so you use them a lot in your articles.
You are a very good writer, I just don’t really get into what you are saying because I am old and like to watch people instead.
That help?
Wow, “queerbag” and “tranny” in the same piece! Delightful.
You forgot one of the famous Kids Inc alums – Marta Marrero later took the stage name Martika and released one of my favorite songs “Toy Soldiers”.
Jason doesn’t know anything about the early 80′s. In 1984 gays were still in denial about AIDS, I never heard of crack until 1986 and no one had worried about a nuclear bomb attack since the 1950′s. In fact, I would say the 70′s to early 80′s was the best era ever.
Seriously? Saved By The Bell was awesome.
I’m sorry the show wasn’t obscure enough for you, you hip hip guy you.
Jason rocks! Great article! You guys are a bunch of meanies. I am not a robot. I am a unicorn.
The smug little prick in Good Morning Miss Bliss is such a moron that he doesn’t even realize that the only girl in the sixth grade with tits is basically throwing it at him. What a douche.
so so so Cute
Gay and queerbag? what would the LGBT and the phillies think of this post Danger?
They would probably just roll their eyes and move on, like I suggest you do.
I cringed going through this list. I hate to admit I used to watch the older shows as a kid. Thank God I grew out of that crap fast.
So much fail in this article it’s frightening. Any listing of nauseating Disney shows has to include “Shake it Up”, “Sunny with a Chance”, “Fish Hooks”, “Cory in the House” (a spinoff of “Raven”), and “Pair of Kings”. Also, it’s not “The Wizards…” it’s simply “Wizards…” First rule of journalism: check your facts.