7. Take Advantage of the Grieving Granddaughter (“The Gang Finds a Dead Guy”)
An elderly man dies in Paddy’s, and while Charlie’s hosing down the booth where he passed away, the dead guy’s attractive granddaughter, Rebecca, comes into the bar, hoping to learn more about her deceased relative. Mac and Dennis both pretend they were well acquainted with the man, Lionel, even though they have no idea who he is, because they want to sleep with Rebecca. They even round up a bunch of homeless men from a shelter to attend Lionel’s funeral, telling them to have fun and mingle. The homeless, still wearing their tattered rags, make a beeline for the food, and Dennis gives a full-of-sh*t heartwarming speech about all the good things he and Lionel did over the years, ending with a wink at Rebecca. He and Rebecca have sex, and after Dennis flaunts his victory, Mac reveals that Dennis’ grandfather was a Nazi, which explains the image above.
6. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System (“The D.E.N.N.I.S. System”)
D – Demonstrate Your Value
E – Engage Physically
N – Nurturing Dependence
N – Neglect Emotionally
I – Inspire Hope
S – Separate Entirely
In other words: flirt with a girl, sleep with her, exploit her feelings for you (get her car towed, so she has to depend on you for a ride, or invent a crazy neighbor who calls her in the middle of the night, screaming “You’re gonna die, bitch,” and tell her you’ll take care of him), then stop taking her phone calls, get her to trust you again so you can have sex one more time, and finally, “slink out into the night, never to talk to her again.” The D.E.N.N.I.S. System works much better than M.A.C. (“Move In. After. Completion”), but not as well as Frank’s S.C.R.A.P.S. (which isn’t an acronym and consists of dropping a Magnum condom and a $100 bill, to prove you have a huge dong and lots of money).
5. Kidnap the Critic (“Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia”)
The Gang purchases a flat-screen TV to prove to potential customers that if they visit Paddy’s, they won’t get stabbed. The pretty-yet-birdlike blonde waitress won’t even make gay jokes if you order Chardonnay any more. The image makeover is all for naught, though, when a local food critic calls the pub teh worst bar in Philly. Charlie, in a flight of drunken, misplaced anger (the best kind), knocks the critic out with a hammer, stuffs him into his truck, and ties him to a chair. The Gang later kidnaps the critic’s neighbor and his diabetic cat. When they can’t get him to write something positive, Dee says she’ll write her own story with the headline, “Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make Himself Not Feel So Faggy.”
4. Childhood Labor (“The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis”)
In a rare topical episode of “It’s Always Sunny,” Frank announces to the Gang (minus Dee, who’s off talking about being pregnant or something) that he’s bought a foreclosed home to flip, in the hopes of making a fine little profit. (What you must remember about flipping a house: “You gotta look for sh*t on the walls, ‘cause the people moving out just smear feces” all over them.) One problem: there’s still a family, including two kids, living in the house. The Gang threatens to rape the wife and torture the husband if they don’t leave, and the only reason they don’t go through with the raping and torturing is because it’d be too much of a hassle. Later in the episode, Frank, who warned the kids he was going to throw their toys in the trash, admits that he had the children handling copper wire for him. Not even Vic Vinegar and Hugh Honey could sweet talk their way out of this one.
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