3. The Fake Cripples (“Charlie Gets Crippled”)
Every character is guilty of being a dick in this episode. Let’s go through it, Artemis-style: when Frank (in his first appearance) tells Dennis and Dee that he’s going to give his money to poor people, they break into his house and start stealing stuff. Charlie, in a wheelchair because Dennis ran over him, tells everyone that he’s getting free lap dances because of his injury, which gives Mac and Dennis the idea to go to the mall, faking polio, to get special treatment. But Dee’s already scooped them. Charlie dresses up as a war veteran to get even more sympathy, but his plan backfires when he starts acting like a jerk, and Frank begins using the wheelchair idea. Mac and Dennis get trashed and drive over to the strip club where Frank and Charlie are, only to hit those two, along with the fake-crippled Dee and her nice guy friend, with a car. The only one who’s hurt: the nice guy.
The episode ends in a hospital, the Gang happy that no one got seriously hurt and going out for ice cream, with the nice guy severely injured in a nearby bed. He sighs, “What a bunch of assholes.”
2. Addicted to Crack for Welfare Benefits (“Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare”)
At 4:30 p.m. on a Wednesday in a bar in a sh*tty part of Philadelphia, dreams are going unfilled — the dreams of Dennis, who wants to be a veterinarian, and Dee, the would-be Broadway actress. So they quit working at Paddy’s, figuring they’ll make even more money by going on welfare. To strengthen their story, Dennis tells their case worker at “the welfare store” that he’s a recovering crack addict and Dee’s mentally retarded. The case worker doesn’t believe them and says that she needs medical documents and a blood test to prove the validity of their story. Shortly thereafter, Dennis and Dee are buying crack rocks and becoming addicted to Whitney Houston’s drug of choice.
1. Dumpster Baby (“The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby”)
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s a baby we found in the trash.”
“Well put it back; it doesn’t belong to you.”
Mac and Dee find a baby in the trash after a screening of An Inconvenient Truth, and with good intentions on their mind, begin raising him as their own. Naturally the first thing they do is turn the infant, who they name D.B. (short for Dumpster Baby), into a TV star. An agent tells them that white babies aren’t in right now, so Mac and Dee bring D.B. to a tanning salon, hoping to brown him enough that their “child” can be marketed as Latino. He’ll only be in there for a few minutes, “just to get a base,” they say. When that doesn’t work, the parents — with a nearby Charlie swinging a samurai sword he found at the dump — begin applying shoe-polish to D.B. to make him darker. In the immortal worlds of Charlie Kelly, “You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats. And you know what? I found them. And I’m gonna raise all of ‘em!”
Like I said, they mean to do well. It’s just that they’re idiots. Terrible, terrible idiots.