Fresh off the delightful news that her show on TLC was being canceled, the big question on everyone’s mind is what’s next for America’s Sweetheart, Kate Gosselin. Well FEAR NOT everyone, I have some baseless speculation! Well, maybe not “baseless.” More just “stupid and dumb.” Oh hey, speaking of stupid and dumb, here’s what Kate Gosselin tweeted about her future plans:
I can’t wait2have the chance2challenge myself again w future endeavors!… And maybe even some dating??!!
Entertainment Weekly decoded that nonsense to mean something about dating, so they contacted the producer from “The Bachelor” for some unknown reason, who had this to say:
“Kate Gosselin? Sounds like a perfect fit for Bachelor Pad,” he wrote. “Or, H8R…”
Ok. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We finally got this lady off TV, and you’re already making plans to put her back on? Come on, fella. You gotta let the wounds heal a little bit first. That said, I’ve come to terms with the fact that Kate Gosselin will be back on TV at some point, so allow me to make the following suggestions:
1) “Kate Gosselin’s Pie in the Face Variety Hour” – Kind of like “America’s Got Talent,” where variety acts go up on stage and perform a 2-3 minute routine of their choosing. But instead of being judged by a panel of washed up celebrities and ornery British people, every act just throws a pie in Kate Gosselin’s face when they’re done.
2) “Douche Bachelor” – Jon Gosselin chooses from twenty women to select his ideal mate. Kate Gosselin appears every 2-3 episodes to give her opinion on the women, and then everyone throws a pie in her face.
3) “H8R” – Admittedly, having Kate on the show where celebrities are matched up with their most adamant detractors wasn’t a terrible idea. Tons of people hate her. You could auction off the spot on the show to 4-5 people for a small fortune, and donate all the proceeds to charity. Then, naturally, BOOM pies in the face.
I think you see where I’m headed with this.
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Barney’s film had heart, but pie in the face had a pie in the face.
I would like to commission a gif in which her hat in that photo becomes a giant venus flytrap and bites her face off.
How about her next show has her taking her date out to eat pie, and sometime randomly she gets a pie thrown in her face. I’d watch it.
Four and 3/8′s Men, Two Gals and a Clown Car if my math is correct and I get any say.
(probably for the best that I don’t)
Congratulations Danger, you may have found the most infuriating photo in history for that banner pic. Congrats?
Throwing a pie in her face would be a waste of pie. I suggest feces to replace pie.
It’s such a strange adjustment going from Matt’s threats of violence to DG’s threats of slapstick.
Otto, if that had could somehow turn into Audrey 2 from “Little Shop of Horrors”, i’d be a happy boy!
“Then, naturally, BOOM pies in the face.”
I’m hoping the “BOOM” in that sentence means the pies are actually some sort of explosive.
Hat*
I think the “ol’ fork in the eye” trick endorsed by Mo (and also Bender) would be a better way to go.
Also, I like UU’s idea, provided that the feces had come from someone who had recently eaten and digested pie.
Pie in the face like in Stand By Me?
What kind of pie? Because that matters.
I thought I saw where you were headed with that — gifs of Kate Gosselin/other annoying people getting pies in the face. But alas…
Replace the pie with an axe handle, and I’m in.
I guess if they used my late aunt’s famous “broken glass and thumbtacks meringue” recipe, I’d be okay with them using pies.
Not that I’m the first to suggest this, but save the pie and go with a Rambo-sized bowie knife dipped in snake venom and coated with mace.
Oh and make sure the knife is tied securely onto the front of a Mack truck going 100+ an hour while she is conveniently located in front of the Grand Canyon. The part of the Grand Canyon where she’ll fall into a area full of broken glass, razor blades, and lemon fountains like in ‘American Dad’. Or if that’s too much, just drop a large boulder on her like Wild E. Coyote.
/Yeah, maybe I’m hating too much.
//On second thought, I’m being too easy on the bitch. Should have added ‘decade-long, super painful rectal cancer’ to the list.
I think you meant “decade-long, super painful MEGA-rectal cancer’ to the list.”