Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC) — Summer finale. TLC’s study in terrible parenting features future sex tape star Eden Wood going for a crown at Kentucky’s “Rumble in the Jungle,” possibly the least accurate title for a toddler beauty pageant. (P.S. Did you know Eden has her own website? It’s like time-traveling back to Geocities.)
Primetime Nightline: Celebrity Secrets (ABC) — The child stars theme continues with this examination of child stars that features the “don’t be like me” insight of Corey Feldman. Parents, don’t let your children grow up to be Danny Masterson.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — It’s the last chance for the four finalists to perform before tomorrow night’s finale. Melanie, Sasha, Marko, and Tadd will have to impress guest judges Katie Holmes and Kenny Ortega (inset), expert scarf-wearer and the director the High School Musical series. I bet that dude gets ALL the women.
Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime) — Roseanna is joined by Phyllis Diller and Sandra Bernhard for a girls’ night out and what I imagine will be the sexiest half-hour of television all summer.
Jon Benjamin Has a Van (Comedy Central) — Season finale. Bob Odenkirk and Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett appear on what I assume will be this show’s final episode.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Joel McHale on Leno; Jesse Eisenberg and Jerry Springer on Kimmel; Aziz Ansari and the Situation on Conan; and Snooki and Joe Buck on Fallon. Ooohhh, I hope that’s the beginning of an elaborate plan for a double homicide.
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Also USA-Mexico. But I’m taking a break from talking about my hatred of Mexico.
The staggering casual racism of the sign in that banner picture doesn’t even crack the top five most disturbing things about it.
Anyone else watching re-runs of Happy Endings? I don’t remember hearing about it whent he series started but I’m hooked now. I wouldn’t put it up there with Community, Archer or even Parks & Rec but definitely top half hour comedy.
/runs out to mailbox to wait for check from ABC
Danger Guerrero, your one stop shop for hurriedly typed, clunky comments!
My point is this: that sign is racist but not as disturbing as that girl’s outfit. The end.
Does that zebra print blanket covered chair have it’s own feather crown?
Danger – you’re right. So much wrong with that picture.
Curious to see the impact Klinsmann will have on USA’s game.
Her parents should be sterilized.
LastTexansFan, lots of diving and fannying about like when he played? Was a great striker in his prime, just wouldn’t stay on his feet.
Was a pretty good coach too, but he enjoyed living in America too much to leave so he’s in heaven now.
Cuuuuuutie, Cuuuuutie Patooooootie.
This post deserves the “people who should be burned for fuel” tag.
Awwwww. Eden made her own website!!!! Wait…what? Well…it LOOKS like a toddler made it. I’m just saying. Or maybe….oh shit…did I wake up in the year 2000 again? I’m always doing that. Okay. Well, as long as I’m here, better try to warn someone about 9/11…
Stay tuned for “Tiara Slayer – The Eden Wood story”
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The only work Feldman can get are the “don’t be like me” shows.
Did anyone enjoy John Benjamin’s show? I literally turned the channel five minutes in and get upset when I see the commercials.
I saw an ep. of that John Benjamin show and it sucked hard…that is all
If it’s in Kentucky, shouldn’t it be horse-themed? Or bourbon-themed?
Sure, the latter seems a little inappropriate for a child beauty pageants, but it’s not like the parents are concerned about age-appopriateness.
FYI for your dvr, tomorrow is an hour of all new Louie you cunts
Thanks Dash, you cavernous, gaping, hemorrhagic butthole (hey I’m just sticking with your theme).
Danger; agreed. Is that a former skunk on her head?
Using “cavernous” and “gaping” in one sentence IS a bit over the top.
Sorry.
I’ve gone to some pretty depraved websites. Plenty of things you wouldn’t want listed publicly.
Eden’s is the first I ever deleted from my browser’s history. If only I could erase it from my mind and whatever the hell watch-list it just put me on, too.
“Meet you all the way! Rosanna, Yeah!”
/you tubes some 80′s pop
/JonBenét Ramsey joke.
WHAT?
When I click on the link to the website, will I be automatically added to Megan’s Law or will there be a box to check for that?
At the top of this story is a picture of child pageant contestant Eden Wood.
Currently, at the bottom of this page is a link to a GammaSquad story about the porn parody of Star Wars, starring Allie Haze.
I’d like to note that Ms. Haze, an actual porn star, looks fresher and less porn-like than young Miss Wood. Also, “Eden Wood” sounds more porn-y than “Allie Haze.”
Not gonna lie, Roseanne’s Nuts is strangely entertaining to me.