Do you ever get tired? I do. I get tired a lot. I used to just get tired at the end of the day before falling asleep. Sometimes I’d get tired in the middle of the day, and I’d drink a cup of coffee or take a nap. But now I’m tired a lot more often. I’m even tired right after I wake up! That’s why this Sunday will be my last regular appearance on “60 Minutes.” They say I can come back any time I want, but no one seems very enthusiastic about that. So I guess I’m retired.
That’s a funny word, “retired.” Re- means again, and tired means tired, so I guess I’m tired again. Lots of other words begin with “re-.” Remain. Recite. Review. Repeat. Resist. Return. Rebuff. Receive. Remember. I remember a lot of things, but sometimes I forget. Lately I’ve been forgetting a lot of things, like where I put my wallet or… there was something else, but I forget. And now that’s another thing I forgot!
Another “re-” word that bothers me is “recycle.” My granddaughter says we have to recycle, because that’s the only way to save the Earth. But I don’t know. I like throwing things away. I’ve done it all my life, and I don’t see why I should change now. That’s how we’ve always done it. You have something, then it gets old and boring, so you throw it away.
…I guess I’m being thrown away now, too. But that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to be recycled.
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His eyebrows would make a fine coat for the winter.
Andy Rooney held a door for me once. The back door.
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
Andy Rooney’s senility makes me disrupt lecture with my cackling.
That’s a funny word – cackling. Where did it come from? I suppose its what my daughter calls onomatopoeia. I-need-a-viagra at this age though. Which makes me think that cackling is related to cockling. I hear young men these days are getting cock rings. I don’t understand it, in my day you could get a ring pop from the corner store for a penny. You don’t hear many girls named Penny anymore. I knew a lass named Penny in my day. We wrote letters during the war. People don’t write letters anymore. I hear a lot about this twitter. I thought that was an onomatopoeia too, but my daughter just laughed at me. I tried to smack her to teach respect but I just ended up shitting in my pants. Which brings me to my main point – There should be shit-proof pants.
Sorry – Joke making is best left to the professionals.
You could have left off the “CBS” tag since you used the “Old People” tag, couldn’t ya? Or vice versa.
The Rooney impression is really hard. Every time I do it, I have to scrub out the things that are mildly interesting. He only goes into details about the blandest observations. “I like the taste of banana yogurt. Strawberry yogurt is good, too, but I don’t like blueberry. I picked blueberries all summer long when I was young, and I haven’t cared for them since then. A fruit I like picking is apples.”
“Horses like apples. Now that you mention it, fuck horses.”
…In those days, I would wear an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”
I still want his desk.
ahahahah
this is pitch perfect – kudos!
Written as if it was the old drooler himself.
This is one of the best Rooney posts you’ve done. He will be missed. And by He I mean your impression of his ramblings.
Matt, you’ve had this ready to go for years haven’t you? Jus biding your time. Biding, that’s a funny word…
Yeah, this was exceptionally well done. Of all the Uproxx charicatures, Vince’s The Stath, your Andy Rooney & the KSK Jerry Jones make me laugh the most. Sorry to see Andy (well, your Andy) go.
Another good Re- word is Retarded. I guess that means tarded again. Spats are something I miss. . .
Has Drew ever done an FJM/Peter King-style dissection of a Rooney monologue? That could be good. Rooney always gets credit for having covered WWII with the troops, but I’m surprised he didn’t get friendly fragged.
This was awesome
You do such a fucking good job with the Rooney impression Matt.