The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and if you didn’t watch it, you must not share my love of jokes about hookers and spousal abuse. Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, and Amy Schumer turned in the best performances, while the lamest sets belonged to Jon Lovitz and Steve-O.
Here are most of my favorite jokes from the roast. It’s not a complete list because I was drinking and I got tired of pausing the TV to write stuff down. And it’s almost certainly not 50 jokes; that’s just a number that was nice and round and catchy for SEO purposes. AND NOW YOU KNOW THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT BLOGGING.
Seth MacFarlane: “Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you’ve banged, I’m guessing it’s just Tiger Woods’s blood.”
MacFarlane: ”He’s the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.”
Kate Walsh to Anthony Jeselnik: ”That embarrassing nasty parasite on your penis is Amy Schumer. And there is no cure.”
Walsh: “I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bullsh*t. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.’”
Walsh to Sheen: “Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver… the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”
Jeff Ross: ”Friends, roasters, enablers… lend Mike Tyson your ears.”
Ross: “This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”
Ross: “This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown?”
Ross: ”Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.”
Ross: ”Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.”
Ross: to Sheen: ”If you’re winning this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”
Ross: “Anthony Jeselnik, some people are saying you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so.”
Ross: ”Brooke Mueller, what’s up? She’s not very bright unless Charlie’s throwing a lamp at her.”
Ross to Mike Tyson: “Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”
MacFarlane introducing Mike Tyson: “He’s a guy who’s beaten every opponent he’s gone against — except the letter S.”
Jeselnik: ”Kate Walsh, I don’t watch that stupid show you’re on, but I do find it interesting you have your own perfume. For that special lady who wants to smell like who gives a f*ck.”
Jeselnik: ”Steve-O is trying stand-up comedy. I actually saw you perform at the Comedy Cellar, and here’s some free advice: don’t give up your suicide.”
Jeselnik: to Sheen: ”The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”
Jeselnik to Sheen: ”Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of SVU.”
Steve-O: ”Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress. Most people don’t know her at all.”
Mike Tyson: “As the Bard once said, ‘All the world’s a stage.’ And Charlie’s been booed off them all.”
Amy Schumer to Sheen: ”There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you, your daughters.”
Schumer: “William Shatner, I’ve seen less bloated men fished out of rivers… Does Priceline pay you in empanadas?”
Schumer to Sheen: “You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
Shatner after being introduced by MacFarlane: ”Keep it going for Chaz Bono.”
Shatner to Sheen: “I know another famous guy who was nice to whores and kept 12 losers around, and he got crucified by Jews! And people worship that guy!”
Shatner to Sheen: ”Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?”
Shatner, referencing an auction where he sold a kidney stone for $75,000: “I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity. Who’s the warlock now, bitch?”
Charlie Sheen: “Kate Walsh , I don’t know anyone who watches your show, because I date women who still get their period.”
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“You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
Outstanding
@TH – Hey, I made that joke on Twitter the night it was announced that Kutcher would replace Sheen! Where’s my sitcom deal?!
I really enjoyed Schumer absolutely destroying Patrice ONeal. (paraphrased)”Tyson, your face is so wrinkled and pounded by dudes it looks like Patrice’s grandma after Sunday Brunch… I’m sorry I just assume she raised you”
Yeah, @DG, I was going to say, it’s a great joke but don’t think for a second that Amy Schumer was the first to think of it.
“You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.”
I fucking love Jeselnik.
@Nussy — that was a terrific joke. Wish I’d been motivated enough to write down all the best stuff from Jeselnik and Schumer.
Wow the one about Shatner and the empanadas made me “lol” for real!
Unless I was too drunk to remember, did they cut out “Perhaps the reason Charlie is so dumb is because he dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s daughter” ?
I’ve had a hole in my
basementheart for Amy Schumer ever since I saw her on “Reality Bites Back”. She’s cute, funny, and a fellow Mets fan, so I know her expectations are pretty low.I saw a bunch of people backlash at Amy Schumer on Twitter. Guess they’d rather have 90 minutes of Mike Tyson not being funny and interrupting flow the whole time. Only Amy seemed to have the balls to make great jokes at Tyson’s expense.
Don’t know if it’s still up, but Anthony Jesenik’s album is $5 on Amazon for a promotion.
My personal favorite was Jeselnik’s joke about Tyson/Richard Pryor albums. I forget the exact wording, but it was delightful.
Schumer caught the most shit for her Ryan Dunn joke, which was more about wanting Steve-O to be dead. I was surprised that was the only Dunn joke.
Was it Walsh or Schumer who got off the line about Seth MacFarlane hosting for the third time because we all know Seth MacFarlane repeats the shit out of everything?
I think Schumer’s best line was that the roast was also a goodbye party for Patrice O’neil’s foot (on account of the diabetes).
I don’t understand the backlash for Amy Schumer’s joke about Ryan Dunn. All she said was that she wished that Steve-O was dead instead of Ryan Dunn. There are a lot of people I’d rather see dead than Ryan Dunn. You, for instance.
Walsh: “I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bullsh*t. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.’”
That was awesome. Not spectacularly original, but sure got me.
No love for Patrice O’Neal? I’m pretty sure the censors let an F-bomb slip from his bit
I like Mike Tyson’s joke about Seth MacFarlane. Paraphrasing, but it went like this, “I’ve been reading the Illiad lately, I’ve been taking a lot of inspiration from it. Glad to see Seth’s copying Homer too.” That’s the basic gist of it, and it actually took me a couple seconds to get it, but it was a smart joke.
“You know what you don’t hear a lot? Not enough black people here”
-Jeselnik to Patrice.
No Patrice………you sir obviously don’t know funny.
@A-Ron – I loved that bit. But I thought it went (After the Pryor bit kind of failing) Patrice: “Not enough White people here” Jeselnik: “You know what you don’t hear a lot? Too few black people here”
@Hmmm Matt was clearly too drunk by the end of the night to remember to write down Patrice’s set.
Thanks for the post!
I put the transcript of Charlie’s rebuttal during the Roast online…
[www.charliesheenrocks.net]
Loved tyson’s jab at Seth and how he takes idea from Homer! That was for me the best line of the night
My personal favorite joke was Kate Walsh’s; “But is Charlie really the worst guy here? Sure, he made a chick blow him for thirty grand, but Mike Tyson makes you blow him ‘CUTH I THAID THO, THAT’S WHY.’ Right, Steve-O?”