Miss Universe Pageant (NBC) -- Once you're done watching Miss Japan being high, check out Miss USA Alyssa Campanella in her tastefully subdued national costume (as NPR put it: "like Washington crossing the Delaware to go to Hooters.") Bookies have Alyssa favored third behind Australia and China, which is hogwash because Alyssa is flawless. I've spent half my day just dreamily looking at pictures of her, which may explain the superfluous but delightful gallery that follows these listings. Women just shouldn't be that attractive. It's depressing for us troll-like regular humans.
Monday Night Football (ESPN) -- Your annual kick-off doubleheader features Pats-Dolphins followed by Raiders-Broncos. Follow along with the live-blogs at KSK.
Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) -- Summer finale. Say, where's the "Rizzoli & Isles" porn parody, anyway? I figured it was industry standard for any movie or show that has the letters "-izz" in it.
Kate Plus 8 (TLC) -- Series finale. Good riddance, bitch.
Bachelor Pad (ABC) -- Season finale. The four remaining couples go to Las Vegas, where one of them will win $250,000 because life isn't fair.
Gaga by Gaultier (CW) -- Designer Jean-Paul Gaultier interviews pop music's favorite meat-dress model. It's like every other channel just gave up on male viewers on the night that Monday Night Football came back.