What’s on Tonight: Not Buffy!

ART.

Ringer (CW) — Series premiere. Sarah Michelle Gellar returns to the CW with a dual role as twin sisters: wealthy socialite Siobhan and ex-stripper/recovering drug addict Bridget. Bridget is wanted by the mob because she witnessed a murder, so she seeks help from her wealthy sister, who then “dies” in a boating accident. Bridget then covers up Siobhan’s death and assumes her identity, except — *TWIST* — Siobhan faked her death and moved to Paris because her life was in danger, too! Without having seen the pilot, I give this four out of five DERPS.

Parenthood (NBC) — Season premiere. NBC’s moderately successful tearjearker returns with Jason Ritter (“The Event”) returning to the cast. For those scoring at home: Krysten Ritter > John Ritter > apple fritter > Jason Ritter.

90210 (CW) — Season premiere. If paparazzi photos are to be believed, this season is all about Annalynne McCord wearing bikinis and getting egged and doused with slime. I don’t disapprove.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — I of course very much enjoy this show, but I’m worried by how much the plot hinges on people keeping secrets every season. Characters on telenovelas have fewer secrets to hide than this outlaw biker gang. That’s worrisome.

Big Sexy (TLC) — Season finale. No joke, the final episode of the season is a bunch of fat ladies doing a bikini photo shoot. So enticing! How could I possibly not watch? I sure hope this gets renewed!