Call off the search, I have found The Greatest TV Clip of All Time. In Animal Planet's "My Extreme Animal Phobia," badass muscular Marvin, adorned with tattooed sleeves and ink on his face and neck, breaks down into tears at the sight of puppies (video below via Buzzfeed).
In order to face his fear, Marvin has to pet a pit bull puppy that's about 4 months old. And every time I started to feel bad about him having a paralyzing deep-seated phobia, the camera cut to the little puppy wagging its tail and I couldn't help but laugh. There should be some sort of prerequisite for getting a neck tattoo. "I'm sorry, sir, but before I can give you this fearsome permanent mark that will limit your jobs to bouncer and speed-metal bassist, I have to ensure that you're not terrified of cuddly puppies. It's the law."
And now, in honor of Marvin, the MOST FEARSOME GALLERY OF PUPPIES EVER ASSEMBLED.