It’s a strange new world we live in with social networking and an abundance of technological doohickeys that simultaneously bring us closer together but intimately pull us further apart. We have more friends, but the connection between us means less. Finding a booty call is simple, but meaningful relationships elude us. And in this mad, mad world of Zuckerbergs and Winklevoss Twins, who can we look up to? Who can we rely on for dependable romantic advice?
There’s only one man, the only man willing to stand outside a woman’s house for five days to show her how serious he is about wanting to drill her, only one man that knows the perfect movie to quote to ensure clandestine sexual liasons (Love, Actually), and only one man who can turn that frizz-own upsi-dizzy. Jean Ralphio. And in this month’s GQ, he offers the greatest romantic advice ever printed on glossy paper with cologne samples stuck in between. I hope you have a change of clothes, because your eyes are about to piss tears.
GQ: Best way to pop the more important question, i.e. “Will you have sex with me?”
Jean-Ralphio: Text; tweet; Friendster post; fortune in a fortune cookie; during a screening of Stuart Little; sign language; Legos; make an adorable 2-year-old hand over a note asking the question for you; as a follow-up question, after she says “no” to “will you marry me.”
GQ: What’s the ideal date?
Jean-Ralphio: Me, Snake Juice, anything by Tyrese or Sisqó playing in the background, waterbed.
GQ: You’re in fifth grade. It’s math class. Julie sends you a note: I think you’re kinda cute.” What’s your next move?
Jean-Ralphio: I pass her a scientific calculator with pre-typed numbers that, when held upside down, spells BOOBIES.
GQ: You’re 83 years old. It’s bingo night. Ethel makes eye contact. What’s your next move?
Jean-Ralphio: I pass her a scientific calculator with pre-typed numbers that, when held upside down, spells BOOBIES.
That’s right, fellas. Break our your calculators. Pull out the snake juice. Make some space in the make-out room. Ballers and ballerettes, fasten your seat belts. Your about to get to third base. Over the pants.
(Source: GQ)
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Jean-Ralphio is the best. (obviously)
BRING BACK MITT!!!
/Republican’d
Errr someone is easily impressed.
I am unfamiliar with the works of Jean-Ralphio, so is it tongue in cheek that a guy who never got laid in high school is giving sex advice to GQ?
Jean Ralphio almost makes me forget how much I hate April Ludgate.
You hate April Ludgate? Are you not human? DO YOU NOT BLEED BLOOD?
/ISaidGoodDaySir
Every time I tried reading this post, I kept seeing “Ralph Macchio” and then getting disappointed.
In the coming civil war between Warming Glow and Film Drunk, April Ludgate will be WG’s rallying cry.
And we will sic our Corgis on their plaid shirts and DESTROY them.
This excerpt is alright, but the rest of the interview = proof that p&r has awesome writers.
best of Jean-Ralphio GIF fest NOW, please.
April Ludgate is Daria, but less funny.
Jean-Ralphio and Leonard from COMMUNITY are the best bit-part characters in comedy right now.