I probably should be writing about Stephen Colbert’s fantastic guest editorial in the South Carolina newspaper The State, but it’s the day before Christmas Eve/fourth night of Hanukkah/Eddie Vedder’s birthday, and I don’t want to think about anything that matters. Today, I’m all about: Candy canes! Reindeer! J Woww’s bikini!
While Snooki’s off getting sued for $7 million, J Woww has not only launched her swimsuit line for Perfect Tan Bikini; she’s also defied gravity. There’s no way that the strapless bikini she’s wearing above should stay on. But it does, because of “Stick2U…[a] silicon based adhesive [that’s] activated by your body temperature, so the warmer you get in the sun, the more it stays in place.” I bet the scientists who developed Stick2U feel like the luckiest bastards in the world. Also: if you’re wondering if certain “enhancements” (read: ABNORMALLY LARGE BREASTS) are needed to wear the thing, the website’s FAQ helpfully answers, “No, the Perfect Tan Bikini can be worn with real or augmented breasts. Anyone can wear a Perfect Tan Bikini. Now we can all be Perfect!”
Between this and the photo of Sammi without a layer of rust on her face, I’m suddenly a lot more interested in season five of “Jersey Shore.” Birthday Boy Vedder knows what I’m talking about:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/679/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/colbert-uproxx-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Screen-shot-2013-05-16-at-8.55.57-AM-150x150.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/colbert-gatsby1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Screen-Shot-2013-04-25-at-12.26.06-AM-150x150.png)
Silicon based, huh?
Oh Miss JWOWW, I’d kiss you if you weren’t swimming with disease!
I’m anti-fake boobage, but I must admit that the perkiness is enviable. Gravity is a bitch.
I’m surprised this wasn’t a “Ten Best Reasons To Post Jwwow Pics.”
Anything else you’d like to bitch about today, essequemodeia? You’ve already covered innocent typos and multipage posts. I can reference going to law school again in the next post if it’ll give you more ammo.
I bet there’s some kind of resonance frequency where the bonds will break. Which would mean that you could develop some kind of device that puts out waves of this frequency, incorporate it into a gun-shaped device, and then run around the beach firing it at women wearing these new bikinis and watching their tops fall off. The prospect of this makes me seriously giddy.
Cinemax might finance this if you want to get started with the invention.
They’ve been making strapless bras like that forever. And, despite what this company is claiming, they don’t work very well.
Whoever wears that in public is extremely brave. That or they just ain’t care.
I skipped this article, read the Colbert Super PAC article and watched that video. You have chosen…poorly.
Snooki was developing school supplies? Perfect for the barely-literate idiots who already like her, I guess.
[dennisjudd.com]
It’s a long weekend, DG. I’ll prolly think of sumfin.
I saw this over at WWTDD yesterday afternoon, which I am now pissed at because it looks like they are going to have Adam Lambert as their top banner over the long holiday weekend.
Thank you for keeping it clargi (classy + corgi).
Lol @ “real or augmented”. They can’t say the word “fake”. The pretty privileged white women don’t like being criticized. Also implies small breasts are the only real ones. Guess there won’t be too many BBW’s trying these out.
Oh right, that’s a good thing.