OH, so I was talking to Tony “The Big Bologna” Carconi here and I sees on the Entertainment Weekly that…OK, no more of that. It’s fun talking in Italian-American for about three seconds, then you begin to feel WASP’y and want some gabagool — and it’s way too early for some gabagool. Anyways, EW broke the news yesterday that SyFy’s next monster-hybrid thing will be called:
“Jersey Shore Shark Attack” unfolds during the July Fourth weekend at – where else? — the Jersey Shore, where rare swarms of sharks are converging due to illegal underwater drilling. Now the angry sharks are on a rampage, devouring residents, and leaving it up to the locals to try and save the day.
Best of all, it’s set to star Tony Sirico (“The Sopranos”), Paul Sorvino (Goodfellas), Jack Scalia (“Dallas”), Joey Fatone (‘N Sync), and William Atherton (Die Hard). That’s an extremely promising start, but I can’t help but feel the producers could have cast a few more Italian-American stereotypes to be eaten by giant sharks.
I’ve included some helpful suggestions — with photographic evidence — after the jump. Please share yours, too.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/679/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/tumblr_mlgpvg1hww1qeuv3uo4_500-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/mardi-150x150.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/mashup-mario-brothers-ghostbusters-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/host_jaleel_133002169650___CC___685x385-150x150.jpg)
I appreciate the gabagool reference, but what about the bro-zhoot and the gootageen?
I would’ve gone with a shark that has Pauly D’s hair, but this works.
Sir! Jack Scalia’s signature role was his seminal turn as Joey Buttofuoco in 1993′s “Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story.” Combined with Alyssa Milano’s searing portrayal of the titular Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, this film was possibly the greatest television movie of all time and I demand you show the proper respect.
@Matt Since you’ve been gone, we’ve replaced your Photoshop ability with Microsoft Word and Paint expertise. Also: we feel like we can breathe for the first time. YEAH YEAH.
The shark eating the Fonz jumping the shark FTW
“You see that shark over there? He’s about 2 tons. I’m 5’2″. I ain’t no big guy alright, but I’m Italian, watch this… “
I’ve never heard of speaking like an Mafioso making some feel like an Anglo-Saxon. The more you know I guess.
What? No Tony Micelli?
So, the sharks eating the Jersey Shore cast is too obvious, I guess. Still, you know a great white would make a fine meal out of Snooki a/k/a human toro.
@La Schmoove Eh, he wasn’t really the boss; we all know it was actually Angela.
Do Italians ever eat Snickers? I hear they taste better that way.
The fact Lobster Dog hasn’t been in your bad photoshops since Matt left makes me angry
@The Hammer He’s not Italian-American, he’s ALL American.
@JoshK
I see you took that class with Abed.
Anyone from My Cousin Vinny
Two posts too late and probably painfully obvious, but fuck it, I did the work, I’m posting the link:
[www.seanq.com]
I love that it’s /bringbackmatt/
Leave the life vest, take the cannoli.
@Stinky NICE. “You know shark, you’re a fuckin’ mumbling stuttering little fuck. You know that?”
@Stinky – I asked, you delivered.
@bob, thanks for noticing that – for added fun, the filename “Squalo Mangia Pesce” is Italian for “Shark Eats Fish” (if you believe Google Translate).
@numbersix: I honestly started working on that before I saw your post, but once I decided a guy named Joe Fish had to appear, it was obvious that his “My Cousin Vinny” character had to be the one.