This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:
“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.
Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!
But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.
A&E (Arts and Entertainment) – If anyone can explain to me — TO MY SATISFACTION — what shows about crippling psychological issues and substance abuse like “Hoarders” and “Intervention” have to do with arts and/or entertainment, I will give you $100.
AMC (American Movie Classics) – Despite the word “movie” being right there in the title, AMC has become the home to a number of quality TV dramas, including “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad.” I would be tempted to give them a pass for this if they didn’t also air reruns of “CSI: Miami” and classic movies like Jurassic Park III and The Sandlot: Heading Home (the direct-to-video third Sandlot film, and an absolute travesty).
Bravo – Formerly the home to a lineup of arts-based shows, centered around their staple “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” the network is now home to a menagerie of shows about hairdressers and insanely rich, drunken harpies fighting over perceived slights involving dinner reservations. The lesson here is this: between this network, A&E, and education cutbacks, the arts in this country are totally f-cked. Our entire economy will be based around getting sh-thoused and punching your friends by 2020.
MTV (Music Television) – The channel that used to air music videos and news now airs shows about pregnant teenagers and orange, roided-up millionaires traveling the world and embarrassing America at every stop.
TLC (The Learning Channel) – I think we’ve been a little unfair to TLC. I’ve learned a ton about soullessly exploiting your own children and other people’s disabilities for financial gain by watching this channel.
VH1 (Video Hits One) – Another music channel, formerly specializing in Michael Bolton and Celine Dion videos, that changed its format over the last few years. It now features a lineup full of dating shows and reality competitions based around washed up recording artists from 20 years ago courting strippers, and spinoffs about the most cartoonish competitors on those shows.
And that’s just a sampling. I’m sure if I sat around and did more research, I could find a bunch more. Feel free to add your own examples in the comments, or just silently be irritated about it for weeks, like I was before today.
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Bravo makes sense if you simply pronounce it differently.
It’s no longer an aristocratic “Bravo!” shouted heartily at the end of a performance in a theatre.
It’s now a catty “Braaaah-vooooo!” uttered bitchily at the end of an appletini glass.
Oooover it!
While the channel sucks, they gave Padma to a world hungry for an American style Nigella Lawson and that’s awesome.
Comedy Central is showing Major League 2. Is that what you mean?
SyFy shows pro wrestling and guys hunting for ghosts that are totally real, evidence be dammed.
Also, their actual sci-fi shows don’t tend to do the genre’s reputation any favors.
God, I miss BSG.
I don’t. Not after that finale.
I do miss the ever living fuck out of Farscape and MST3K.
If Alphas, their only watchable drama, doesn’t get renewed, I will go on a Matt Ufford style K-Bar Knife stabbing rampage.
SyFy : sci-fi :: malk : milk
“I do miss the ever living fuck out of Farscape and MST3K.”
Yes, and yes. I’d add Lexx to that.
I take offense to TBS’s tagline “Very Funny.”
Tyler Perry, King of Queens re-runs and Kate Hudson movies aren’t even “Kind of Funny”.
King of Queens will forever be my favorite shitty sitcom.
To be fair, “Pawn Stars” and especially “American Pickers” (which I’m addicted to, full disclosure) do give some interesting information about the items they find. Not as much as something like “Antiques Roadshow”, but enough that I can almost justify airing them on a channel devoted to history. That said, I have no defense for “Swamp People”.
CBS??
I am sure there is a joke somewhere in there just not on their sitcoms…..ooooh there it is.
ESPN stands for the “Entertainment and Sports Programming Network” but instead shows balloon-faced blowhards spouting the same cliches over and over again in an attempt to justify themselves as “journalists.”
My point is that I’m a balloon-face blowhard! Put me on TV and give me money!
Even though it’s the most detestable of the networks on the list, I don’t think TLC belongs. They stopped calling themselves The Learning Channel a long time ago.
Not nearly enough of a name change to be spared.
I think it now stands for “The Least Common,” and they left off “Denominator” because it has too many syllables.
What’s a denominuh?
I love you , Patty.
They should embrace what they’ve become and call themselves The Learning Disability Channel.
As, shucks.
It helps that I already picture Patty as Alison Brie.
Running.
Heh, Ancient Aliens.
I hope people here saw the South Park episode that parodied the ridiculousness that is the History Channel.
Well, what you’re looking at DG is cable reacting to the realization that it’s no longer new technology. Once upon a time, the cable format was the only way to really consume satisfying television and therefore it could sustain a number of profitable niche markets. History Channel, Scifi Channel, Music Television, etc. But as the internet and digital media became more available those markets became less and less…whoa, wait. Back the fuck up. They made a THIRD Sandlot film? When the fuck did they make a second Sandlot film?
Basically it’s a matter of executives trying to have their cake and eat it too. They want the same brand recognition that they had before but they also want to change the format. Most networks that totally change the format and name entirely aren’t nearly as successful for the first few years as their- No, wait, sorry. I just can’t fucking get over the fact that they sequelized the Sandlot, a movie so utterly perfect that when you yell out “For ev-er” in a bar filled with 80s and 90s kids they instantly know what you’re talking about.
any network that airs the two sandlot sequels deserves “the killing” if you ask me.
Not to play the Devil’s Advocate, but Pawn Stars and American Pickers will occasionally spout out historical facts about the objects that are being sold/picked. And I would take either of those shows over a marathon about how the pyramids were built my Aliens any day.
I heard Jon Hamm say on Comedy Bang Bang that AMC no longer stands for American Movie Classics. It’s just AMC. Like KFC no longer stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Also, it’s not like there’s no precedent for a channel changing its name as its programming changes. For example, TNN changed its name to Spike when it stopped focusing on country music and started focusing on douchebags.
There’s a difference?
Discovery Channel is just as guilty its all Dirty Jobs and fishing for crabs
sounds more like it should be called the “how I spent my weekend” channel
They should just lose the long name. More people would probably be inclined to tune into Swamp People on THC.
+ 420
Pawn Stars shows little trivia tidbits about the old items brought in, then a research team compiles as much as they know about it and the workers in the store relay that information for proper pricing and authenticity. I can’t vouch for the other two shows but that’s a damn fine way of entertaining us while teaching us a little something.
On Swamp People, the opening card says living on the swamp is “a way of life that goes back 300 years.” These days, that’s good enough for the History Channel. And Pawn Stars can go die. They tell you that your antique lamp is a rare treasure, right before they offer you ten bucks for it.
lurker here…but had to ask this of those who watch parks and rec AND pawn stars…In Last night Parks and Recs ep the actor who plays the DNR head or whatever that Ron Swanson wrecks, looks very familiar to a guy that the Pawn Stars “interviews” for the nightshirt, whom was an “old-man” look alike…so i was wondering, they bring in actors for the stupid side plot? I know that is impossible to follow, but if anyone noticed it, they may understand me…to imdb i go!
Uhm….The Planet Green Channel or whatever it’s call often shows nature shows and such and ur like, this is prertty legit. Ruins it with NY Inked marathon. Did they really need a reality show about tattoo’s? Also, they have some dumb ghost hunter like show. Who watches that crap? SMDH.
It’s called “mission drift” which is made worse since so many cable networks are owned by the same company. Oprah’s network is part of the Discovery Networks so when she has, like, only a two shows being made just for that network, they fill the rest of the time with episodes of Cash Cabs and A Haunting. SyFy will show a Burn Notice marathon for what I assume is tax purposes. And then you have a net just have a off topic show hit it big. Pawn Stars is History Channel’s biggest show AND it has a pun title that makes you want to pour bleach in your eyes.
Yeah, AMC no longer stands for American Movie Channel. They dropped that in 2002 when they changed their content.
[en.wikipedia.org]
Danger, one crucial detail you’re missing regarding A&E is that it no longer stands for Arts & Entertainment, but rather Addicts & Eccentrics. No lies there.
there were 3 Sandlot movies?!?
A&E is examining crippling psychological issues as performance art, dicknose.
My exwife and I used to call “Lifetime” “The Womens’ Victims Channel”.
And “Trinity Broadcasting Network” (TBN) as “The Begging Network”.