What’s On Tonight: It’s Like ‘Lost,’ But Not

Alcatraz (Fox) – I watched the premiere over the weekend, and I thought it was perfectly fine. A procedural with sci-fi elements, intriguing enough to watch a few more episodes. Needs more Hurley, though, and I have to remember that “Fringe” started slowly, too. If Sam Neill wants to bring one of his dinosaurs friends from Jurassic Park, that’s cool. BUT NO ONE FROM JURASSIC PARK III.

Castle (ABC) – The name of tonight’s episode is “An Embarrassment of Bitches.” That is the greatest bitch pun of all-time, taking over the spot previously held by “Revenge Is a Bitch Best Served Cold” from “Bad Girls Club.”

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (Travel Channel) – Season premiere. Wikipedia has very detailed episode descriptions for this show, in case you ever need to know the exact food Zimmern (whose last name I really want to be Zimmerman) ate on September 23, 2008. (Hint: it’s pickled mackerel.)

Hart of Dixie (CW) – I want every episode of this show to end with Rachel Bilson wearing hot pants and yelling to a crowd, “Who likes short shorts?” Then everyone responds, “We like short shorts.”

Hoarders (A&E) – You go over to a guy or girl’s house for the first time after you two have been hooking up at your place for a week. To pass the time while they’re freshening up, you put on the TV and look through what they’ve DVR’d. What show would the DVR have to be filled with for you to decide continuing a relationship with this person isn’t worth it? My answer: “Hoarders.” Hoarding “Hoarders” is just too meta for my taste.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everything’s old, except for Kimmel, with Kiefer Sutherland and Bear Grylls; Conan, with Casey Anderson, Morena Baccarin, and Wilco; Stewart, with Kathleen Sebelius; and Colbert, with Bruce Bueno de Mesquita.