"UNHAND ME, YOU SCOUNDRELS!"
Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to a Golden Girl (NBC) – This 90-minute tribute leads into White’s new hidden camera prank show, Off Their Rockers, where White and a team of fellow senior citizens try to trick unsuspecting rubes. My sincere hope is that this show becomes a massive hit and leads to widespread distrust of old people who are seeking assistance in public. “What? You need help with your groceries? Fat chance, ma’am. You won’t be making a boob out of me! [storms off]”
Alcatraz (FOX) – Two-hour series premiere of the J.J. Abrahms-produced drama centered around strange events at the notorious San Francisco prison. Unless this features Nic Cage screaming “Whaddaya say we cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE?” right into Sean Connery’s face, I’m not interested.
The Bachelor (ABC) – It has been brought to my attention that, as a fan of bonkers, trainwreck television, I should be watching this show. I will take it under advisement.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Lily and Marshall move to the suburbs. Ted presumably drones on and on about white picket fences for upwards of half the show.
The Lying Game (ABC Family) – OO OO, I WANNA PLAY! Here we go. Ready? “I will totally watch this show.” What do I win? I hope it’s a steak.
The Layover (Travel) – Anthony Bourdain samples food and drink around London on his new travel show. I want to say something mean about how crappy English food is, but I’ve never been there and Guy Fieri has like five shows here in America, so I’ll just back away slowly.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kate Beckinsale and Steven Merchant on Conan; Simon Baker and Elizabeth Banks on Letterman; Liam Neeson and Piers Morgan on Fallon; Lucy Liu and Kevin Sorbo on Ferguson; Melissa McCarthy and Rick Perry on Butthead McGoo; and Don Cheade, David Cross, and Boyz II Men are on a rerun of Kimmel, which I am only including so I can post a Boyz II Men video after the jump. You all know how the game is played.
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May I suggest instead of watching “The Bachelor” that you put a computer monitor face down on a rolling desk chair (must be a tube-style) and tape some C4 with some blasting caps stuck into it. Roll the entire contraption down an elevator shaft in a tall building.
Watch hilarity ensue.
The plot of Alcatraz sounds kind of like that old series “Brimstone” where the cop guy was paroled from hell on the condition that he find a bunch of other escaped souls and shoot out their eyes. Except that instead of hell, they all escaped from Alcatraz, and instead of one cop, it’s a team of people, and instead of shooting people in the face, they probably arrest them (though many times circumstances will dictate that the criminals will end up dying instead of being caught). Also the criminals won’t have superpowers. Or I guess maybe they will, thanks to the effects of time travel or something. All I’m saying is that if they found a way to work Ray Wise into this series as the devil, I’d be much more likely to watch it.
Yes, but the Devil on Brimstone was played John Glover, who is also entertaining as hell. Admittedly he’s not as entertaining as Ray Wise, a man who could make the phone book sound awesome when he played the Devil on Reaper. But Glover was creepier, which is sort of what you want when it comes to shows about the Devil.
I know we men have lots of standards to pick up a woman, and there’s one website that can almost meet all our different demands:
(((( B-l-a-c-k-w-h-i-t-e-P-l-a-n–e-t. c-0-m )))) my bros told me this; it worked for them, it worked for me; and i’m sure it’s gonna work for u, buddy!!
I know we women have lots of standards to pick up a man, and there’s one website that can almost meet all our different demands:
( B-l-a-c-k-w-h-i-t-e- P-l-a-n–e-t. c-0-m ) my sisiter told me this; it worked for her, it worked for me; and i’m sure it’s gonna work for u, buddy!!
Could he NOT find a censored version? Grandma: Is this how we are supposed to bond?
Does it make me a bad person that I am ready for Betty White to die so we don’t have to have her continuously shoved down our collective throat? The whole SNL thing was cute, but let’s give it a rest already. If Betty White wasn’t involved, there’s no way this “Candid Camera: Senior Citizens Unit” would ever be on TV.
I readily admit to watching The Bachelor. Dem bitchez is cray.
My wife and daughter watch it, so I get second-hand updates and called into the room for the highlights. I will, however, readily admit that I wish they’d reboot “Temptation Island”.
Alcatraz has some of the same peeps from Fringe so me and I assume Patty are there as we are ravening Fringers. But if they don’t have anyone as entertaining as John Noble I’m checking out.
I enjoyed it.
I’m not super excited about it yet, but then again, Fringe didn’t really start kicking ass until half way into the first season.
It’s got potential.
“I want to say something mean about how crappy English food is, but I’ve never been there”.
I’ve been to the US, and let me tell you, English food > American food. By a mile.
So must be the ganja.
Really? Red Pudding is better than a Springfield Ponyshoe? or a Pittsburgh Primanti Brothers Sandwich? Or a Chicago Deep Dish? I know taste has it’s place but are you seriously going to look me in the eye and say Spotted Dick is better than a Jersey Shore Gelato or a Saint Louis Style Frozen Custard? Why would you say that a Cottage Pie is better than the So-Cal Fish Taco? Or the Po’Boys? DID YOU EVER HAVE A PO’BOY, MAN?
What about southern food? FRIED CHICKEN OWNS THE EARTH. In England they probably smear old kidney blood and fish guts on it, then serve it with something just goddamn awful.
Smegga, I know you’re deaf, but I didn’t realize you’d lost your sense of taste as well. My condolences.
Over here we have tons of American chefs come here and present television shows. Oh wait, that’s wrong! You guys have British chefs go over to the States to teach you guys how to cook.
Smegga … no. Just … no.
Any culture that includes baked beans with breakfast and considers mushy peas a standard side item … no.
You guys have British chefs go over to the States to teach you guys how to cook.
No, we have British chefs come over here to teach us how to scream obscenities at kitchen helpers.
I’ve spent plenty of time eating out in London, and plenty of time in New York. It’s not even close.
Oh, hale no.
Although y’all do have an abundance of two things I love, curry and Cadbury chocolate.
There’s a reason why we’re so fat.
“No, we have British chefs come over here to teach us how to scream obscenities at kitchen helpers”.
Jamie Oliver swears at kitchen helpers? I thought he was trying to reduce obesity in American schools, but guess not.
I have an American friend who gets hilariously irate when I suggest that our food is better than yours, so I guess I’m just trolling.
Also, you guys have so much cheese and fat on your foods it’s almost criminal. Mushy peas is disgusting, but it won’t block your arteries.
Holy crap! A whole day of actual tv-related news without either countdowns of the “Greatest/Biggest/Most/(insert yours here) ______ TV Shows” or a pile of links to actual news articles and commentary assembled out of (what seems to be) laziness. I think I’ll continue checking out this site. Keep up the good work!
As Pepper said in Dodgeball: “I feel shocked.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but…this guy is kind of a bitch. Just saying.
I’m just saying that I like tv-related news with witty editorial commenting as opposed to mere Op/Ed postings. As a result, I enjoyed the blog today for one of the first times since MU left. If the bloggers have more days like today, I’ll be sure to come back more often.
Three things:
1) Links posts are ten times more of a pain in the ass to put together than a regular post, but we have to do them every now and again because we want other sites to keep US in THEIR links. Has nothing to do with laziness. But thanks for assuming that.
2) There is typically one (1) multipage post per day out of eight (8).
3) Sick Dodgeball quote, bro
I respect that and I certainly get the “I rub your back, you rub mine” with regard to links. I also understand that the last month has been insanely slow with regard to TV news so I waited for some time to pass to see how things develop with the blog before providing some feedback. I was sure to provide the feedback on the heels of (what I consider to be) a “good day.” As a loyal reader (yet rare poster), I merely hoped to be heard. Thanks for the reading AND responding (I received more than I sought).
Looking forward to whenever Franklin and Bash are back on – not just for the show itself but also for your lawyerly posts.
Alcatraz was the TITS.
And they belong to Sarah Jones.
/drools
Being Human returned for its second season tonight.