Modern Family (ABC) — Tonight’s an “historical” night for television, as Lily becomes the youngest person ever on a network to utter the F-word. Also, David Cross returns to debate Claire.
Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — Seriously, these shows are so terrible that they’re not even worth mentioning. Avoid them. If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.
American Idol (Fox) — The 47th season of television’s most popular show kicks off tonight with two hours of humiliating auditions. I don’t think this show will ever end; I think it will just become another annual event, like football and baseball season, only without any of the joy.
Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’ve never seen an episode, and didn’t even realize it was still on the air. However, I am grateful to this show for booting Mandy Patinkin, allowing him to eventually show up on “Homeland.”
Happy Endings (ABC) — “Party Down” Alert: Ryan Hanson (also of “Veronica Mars” fame) guest stars at Penny’s latest boyfriend, while Alex and Max stage an “in-T-vention” to put the kibosh on Dave’s obsession with v-necked T-shirts.
Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been a hugely disappointing season of “Top Chef,” but they might turn it around tonight when Charlize Theron arrives. If Charlize Theron and Padma Lakshmi engage in a nude food fight, the Internet will explode.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Fasschlong is on Letterman; Jennifer Garner is on Leno; Will Arnett is on Kimmel; Ferguson has David Duchovny; and Jimmy has Bill Cosby.
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Actually, thanks to the whole Sunbeam v. DirecTV cluster, I get every TV channel EXCEPT NBC. Fine for now. Not so fine tomorrow night.
REACH AN AGREEMENT!!
I’ve seen Whitney but not Are You There Chelsea.
There is no way either of those are worse than ROB.
AN historical? What are you, a British?
Oy we’s been watchin’ an ‘istorical Modern Family tonight, now isn’t we Tommy?
Royal Pains returns.
I miss Matt’s what’s on tonight roundups. He rarely missed anything.
Yeah? WTF Dustin? I need to know if white Jews are successfully saving the lives of rich WASPs with the aide of their attractive brown Hindu “nurse” on a weekly basis.
Charlize fell off.. I’d still beat.
Did you see the show? She looks fantastic. If you meant her movie career fell off then I totally agree.
If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.
There’s no way I’ll be setting fire to my genuine Panaphonics – that’s how a whole shipment of Sears activewear got damaged.
Charlize Theron for me is one of those women whom you don’t think of for a while, then you see her and you’re like “Oh yeah. She’s really, really amazing.” Then you cry because she’s too hot for you, look up ugly trash online, laugh at them to feel better and forget about Charlize again til the next time.
That’s not just me, right?
If she slummed it with that douche who got Viggo’d from LOTR for a decade, I’d say you would have a decent shot.
I say that there are two “hottest women on Earth”.
One is Charlize Theron, and the other is Olivia Wilde. Nobody can touch those two.
Theron has done sod all in the last few years, but my top two have remained the same for a few years now, which says a lot about how beautiful she is, and how much of a loser I am.
By the way, Mandy Patinkin wasn’t given the boot from Criminal Minds, he just decided he didn’t want to do the show anymore and refused to film more scenes. Apparently he did the same when he was on Chicago Hope. This all makes me very nervous about his future with Homeland.
Smegga, re: Patinkin on “Homeland”. I’m kinda concerned about that too, but I think part of why Patinkin keeps bailing on network shows is the 26 episode seasons. Twelve or thirteen on cable might be a little more to his liking.
That’s one attractive African American.
She smokes Kools.
I would certainly enjoy apatheiding her thighs…wanka.
You can’t say “Jimmy” when there are two Jimmies.
Mister F
Dustin,
I watched several Whitney episodes, and while they weren’t gamechangers or anything, they were partially funny. I can’t say I’ve seen Chelsea yet (nor do I plan to), but seriously, have you watched either? Because the running and stale joke on the net is just to bash shows people haven’t even seen.
So it’d probably be more apropos to just not include them in your nightly rundown. It works for all the CW shows other people aren’t watching, so,….wait, is still about Community? It’s about Community, isn’t it?
Hey, Top Chef didn’t suck last night! Not just because Charlize is amazing (though Tom Cholicio did his best to ruin things with his awful jokes). That was definitely my favorite challenge of the season.
Top Chef WTF man! How the hell?! but it was an awesome ep. and I would see that Charlize T. movie if it weren’t for a lifeless, no talent corpse playing opposite her.