Modern Family (ABC) — Tonight’s an “historical” night for television, as Lily becomes the youngest person ever on a network to utter the F-word. Also, David Cross returns to debate Claire.
Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — Seriously, these shows are so terrible that they’re not even worth mentioning. Avoid them. If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.
American Idol (Fox) — The 47th season of television’s most popular show kicks off tonight with two hours of humiliating auditions. I don’t think this show will ever end; I think it will just become another annual event, like football and baseball season, only without any of the joy.
Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’ve never seen an episode, and didn’t even realize it was still on the air. However, I am grateful to this show for booting Mandy Patinkin, allowing him to eventually show up on “Homeland.”
Happy Endings (ABC) — “Party Down” Alert: Ryan Hanson (also of “Veronica Mars” fame) guest stars at Penny’s latest boyfriend, while Alex and Max stage an “in-T-vention” to put the kibosh on Dave’s obsession with v-necked T-shirts.
Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been a hugely disappointing season of “Top Chef,” but they might turn it around tonight when Charlize Theron arrives. If Charlize Theron and Padma Lakshmi engage in a nude food fight, the Internet will explode.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Fasschlong is on Letterman; Jennifer Garner is on Leno; Will Arnett is on Kimmel; Ferguson has David Duchovny; and Jimmy has Bill Cosby.