Say what you will about the Grammys — and believe me, I have plenty bad to say about any organization that gives an award to Train — I have to credit last night’s show for creating some magnificent and ridiculous spectacles: Lady Gaga arriving in an egg, Cee Lo Green dressed as a bird playing with muppets, and Mick Jagger moving around like someone who wasn’t born during World War II.
As for the actual awards, it was a fair mix of “What is the world coming to?” and “Maybe there’s hope for us after all.” Examples of the former: Lady Antebellum winning both Record of the Year and Song of the Year. Examples of the latter: Justin Bieber getting shut out, and Arcade Fire miraculously winning Album of the Year. Below, I’ve got some scattered thoughts on the show, with videos of performances and the full list of winners on the following pages.
- A shiny nickel to the person with the best Spinal Tap joke for Lady Gaga.
- @goldengateblond: “She was at the VMAs covered in meat. Now she’s at the Grammys dressed as an egg. Two more red carpets and Gaga will be a Denny’s Grand Slam.”
- Gaga performed her new song “Born This Way,” which in case you haven’t heard it sounds exactly like Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” The chorus, as far as I can tell, goes “I was born this way / I was born this way / Express what he’s got / Oh baby ready or not.”
- Cee Lo’s performance was fantastic in the most literal sense of the word: “Whoa, I had this crazy dream that Cee Lo was singing ‘F**k You’ but without the swear words, and he was dressed like a Carnivale showgirl with an armored breastplate, and his backup band was muppets, and then Gwyneth Paltrow showed up, and I think she had sex with a unicorn?”
- Listen, I hate Gwyneth Paltrow just as much as everyone else who doesn’t spend $400 on five ounces of hand lotion, but I’ll admit that her performance wasn’t bad. It was a sensible (and perhaps inevitable) conclusion to the wave of publicity she’d gotten from her “Glee” performance and hosting “SNL” when Cee Lo was the musical guest.
- Drake is the worst rapper since Ja Rule. Stop grinding on Rihanna, A-hole.
- I’ve never heard of Esperanza Spalding and I don’t know what her music sounds like, but she’s more deserving of Best New Artist than Justin Bieber.
- Clarification on my dislike of Bieber: it’s fine that teenage girls love him, but we as adults need to recognize that his music blows. And really, you should be 20 years old before you wear a black leather jacket. Or at least smoking cigarettes during your lunch break.
- Jaden Smith, hellspawn of Will and Jada, showed up to rap a verse during Bieber’s performance. One of his rhymes was about having shorter arms than Bieber. I’ll leave it at that.
- I fast-forwarded through anything that looked boring, so I have no commentary on Barbra Streisand.
- A note on CBS’s terrible production: several presenters and musical acts started talking/playing without any kind of introduction. Considering that very few music fans know who everyone is across the spectrum of country music to rap, that’s pretty stupid.
Select winners and nominees:
Album of the Year
Arcade Fire – The Suburbs-WINNER
Eminem – Recovery
Lady Antebellum – Need You Now
Lady Gaga – The Fame Monster
Katy Perry – Teenage Dream
Record of the Year
B.o.B (featuring Bruno Mars) – “Nothin’ on You”
Eminem (featuring Rihanna) – “Love the Way You Lie”
Cee Lo Green – “Forget You”
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys – “Empire State of Mind”
Lady Antebellum – “Need You Now”-WINNER
Best New Artist
Justin Bieber
Drake
Florence & the Machine
Mumford & Sons
Esperanza Spalding-WINNER
Song of the Year
Ray LaMontagne – “Beg Steal or Borrow”
Cee Lo Green – “Forget You”
Miranda Lambert – “The House That Built Me”
Eminem (featuring Rihanna) – “Love the Way You Lie”
Lady Antebellum – “Need You Now”-WINNER
Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals
“Glee” cast – “Don’t Stop Believin’ (Regionals Version)”
Maroon 5 – “Misery
Paramore – “The Only Exception”
Sade – “Babyfather”
Train – “Hey, Soul Sister (Live)”-WINNER
Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals
B.o.B, Eminem and Hayley Williams – “Airplanes II”
Herbie Hancock, Pink, India.Arie, Seal, Konono No. 1, Jeff Beck and Oumou Sangare – “Imagine”-WINNER
Elton John & Leon Russell – “If It Wasn’t For Bad”
Lady Gaga and Beyoncé – “Telephone”
Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg – “California Gurls”
Best Dance Recording
Goldfrapp – “Rocket”
La Roux – “In For The Kill”
Lady Gaga – “Dance in the Dark”
Rihanna – “Only Girl (In the World)”-WINNER
Robyn – “Dancing on My Own”
Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals
Arcade Fire – “Ready to Start”
Jeff Beck and Joss Stone – “I Put a Spell on You”
The Black Keys – “Tighten Up”-WINNER
Kings of Leon – “Radioactive”
Muse – “Resistance”
Best Hard Rock Performance
Alice in Chains – “A Looking in View”
Ozzy Osbourne – “Let Me Hear You Scream”
Soundgarden – “Black Rain”
Stone Temple Pilots – “Between the Lines”
Them Crooked Vultures – “New Fang”-WINNER
Best Rock Song
Neil Young – “Angry World”-WINNER
Mumford & Sons – “Little Lion Man”
Kings of Leon – “Radioactive”
Muse – “Resistance”
The Black Keys – “Tighten Up”
Best Alternative Music Album
Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
Band of Horses – Infinite Arms
The Black Keys – Brothers-WINNER
Broken Bells – Broken Bells
Vampire Weekend – Contra
Best R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals
Chris Brown and Tank – “Take My Time”
Chuck Brown, Jill Scott and Marcus Miller – “Love”
Ronald Isley and Aretha Franklin – “You’ve Got a Friend”
John Legend and the Roots – “Shine”
Sade – “Soldier of Love”-WINNER
Best Contemporary R&B Album
Chris Brown – Graffiti
R. Kelly – Untitled
Ryan Leslie – Transition
Janelle Monáe – The ArchAndroid
Usher – Raymond v. Raymond-WINNER
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
B.o.B (featuring Bruno Mars) – “Nothin’ on You”
Chris Brown, Tyga and Kevin McCall – “Deuces”
Eminem and Rihanna – “Love the Way You Lie”
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys – “Empire State of Mind”-WINNER
John Legend, the Roots, Melanie Fiona and Common – “Wake Up! Everybody”
Best Rap Song
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys – “Empire State of Mind”-WINNER
Eminem and Rihanna – “Love the Way You Lie”
Eminem – “Not Afraid”
B.o.B (featuring Bruno Mars) – “Nothin’ on You”
Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz – “On to the Next One”
Best Rap Album
B.o.B – The Adventures of Bobby Ray
Drake – Thank Me Later
Eminem – Recovery-WINNER
Jay-Z – The Blueprint 3
The Roots – How I Got Over
Best Country Collaboration With Vocals
Dierks Bentley, Miranda Lambert and Jamey Johnson – “Bad Angel”
Dierks Bentley, Del McCoury and the Punch Brothers – “Pride (In the Name of Love)”
Zac Brown Band and Alan Jackson – “As She’s Walking Away”-WINNER
Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins – “Hillbilly Bone”
Marty Stuart and Connie Smith – “I Run to You”
Best Country Song
George Strait – “The Breath You Take”
Zac Brown Band – “Free”
Miranda Lambert – “The House That Built Me”
Gretchen Wilson – “I’d Love To Be Your Last”
The Band Perry – “If I Die Young”
Lady Antebellum – “Need You Now”-WINNER
Best Country Album
Dierks Bentley – Up on the Ridge
Zac Brown Band – You Get What You Give
Jamey Johnson – The Guitar Song
Lady Antebellum – Need You Now-WINNER
Miranda Lambert – Revolution
Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”:
Cee Lo Green & Gwyneth Paltrow, “F**k You”:
Rihanna featuring Drake, “What’s My Name?”:
Via @flubby, here’s the inspiration for both Lady Gaga and Cee Lo:
