I try not to post too much about “Toddlers & Tiaras” because the whole thing is a depressing creepshow that makes me alternate between sad and angry and I get enough of that as a Philadelphia Eagles fan. But this video is so preposterous and damning of society that I would be shirking my duty as a television blogger if I didn’t pass it along, so I will bite the bullet. The things I do for you people.
Some of you may remember the episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras” featuring 6-year-old Alana, also known as “Honey Boo-Boo Child” (for those who are unfamiliar, 
and I’m sure you will all be quite surprised to find out that the type of parents who push their child to enter competitions where they have to parade like a strumpet in front of wispily-mustachioed judges are ALSO the type of parents who allow their child to mix Red Bell and Mountain Dew (“It’s got what plants crave!”) and then RAMPAGE all over their property. Buzzfeed has a ton of GIFs of Alana freaking out, but I think the one on the right sums up our country’s future pretty well.
If Germany is the Florida of the world, America is the Ohio.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/51/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/goat-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/tiaras1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/08/prince-cycle-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/07/drew-150x150.jpg)
That GIF is especially damning when combined with the “Masters of Sex” headline.
Let’s face it, we are all on watchlists now.
You’d think if she were running all over the place, she’d drop a few pounds.Guess not…
For fuck’s sake.
I think I’ve found the solution to getting Community back on the air: EXPLOIT CHILDREN!
/added to another government list
Videos like this make the first line of this song more of a threat than anything else.
SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!
Yuuup. America over, everybody go home.
Yeah, nice country while it lasted.
Dude! NSFW .gif? Now everyone thinks I’m creepier than I usually am now.
Looks like an impressive gene pool she’s coming from, I think she’ll turn out just fine.
Sooooo that woman is allowed to raise a child and I’m the one not allowed near elementary schools??
*shakes head, adjusts ankle braclet*
Honest question – is it more damning that these people exist, or that they’re on TV? Cuz I vote B.
She can segue from “Toddlers & Tiaras” and “Life Changers” right to “Teen Moms 7″ and “Maury Povich.” I was my own career path was this well-planned.
/resumes applying henna tattoos to ecstasy-riddled teenage ravers
No, it’s Maury THEN Teen Moms.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of AVN’s 2025 Best Actress Award.
After reading the article on the front page I could have told you that the mother of this child would be obese, live in a shitty house and have a $3,000 couch. I’d bet they have a 60″ flat screen as well.
God, the only episode of Toddlers & Tiaras I ever watched was the one with honey boo-boo child. I wept for America’s future that night.
How is the mom out of breath SITTING ON THE COUCH?
In her defense, she is a fat slob.
This girl is going to be very popular in high school.
And people say I’m the asshole for being a bitter misanthrope.
When the clip started, I thought she was flipping off the camera, and that’s why it was censored. Turns out it was actually way worse.
Why always Germany? Did I miss something?
This makes me want to cry in frustration, but I don’t have any tears to spare, what with also being an Eagles fan. Hey Mike Silver, pick us to go 8 – 8, maybe we’ll win a playoff game.
It’s like she the real-life version of young Jenna Maroney.
“Honey, you gotta get closer to the gator. We drove eleven hours to get here and your not getting any younger!”