What’s On Tonight: ‘Archer’ and How to Party Like a Roman Emperor

Archer (FX) – You guys know the deal. It’s Thursday, which means: “ARCHER” NIGHT. Tonight’s special guest on the Uproxx live blog is Casey Willis, who is not a female (boo) but an “Archer” producer (yay) who wrote the lyrics to and performed “Mulatto Butts” (million yays). He’s also worked on “Xtacles” and “Frisky Dingo,” meaning he’s more talented than you. Be there at 10 p.m. EST.

30 Rock /The Office/Up All Night (NBC) – Hour-long “30 Rock” tonight means the return of James Marsden as hot dog truck-driver Criss and the introduction of Jack’s mother-in-law, played by Mary Steenburgen, who looks better at 59 than most people do at 23. Dwight has a “special project” in Tallahassee on “The Office,” and Will Arnett continues to sing the praises of Brendan Shanahan on “Up All Night.” Lol, hockey.

El Talismán (Univision) – This telenovela has recently beaten NBC and CW programs in the 18-49 demographic on Thursday nights, and it’s supposed to be awesome. I mean, it’s called “El Talismán,” which Google Translate tells me means “The Talisman” in English. Nice. I’m going to watch tonight and see whether it’s as great as “El Amor Prohibido.” I assume it will be.

Rob (CBS) – “Rob Learns Spanish.” Or maybe I’ll just watch this instead.

Party Like (National Geographic) – This series teaches us what it’s like to party as various rulers throughout history, including tonight’s “Roman Emperor Elagabalus [who] became known as an outrageous party animal.” According to Wikipedia, Elagabalus was married five times, slept with his male chariot driver who was a slave, prostituted himself in brothels, used an early “prototype of the whoopee cushion at dinner parties,” and was assassinated at the age of 18. Like a rock star.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Nicholas Cage on Letterman; Denzel Washington and Octavia Spencer on Leno; Courtney Cox and various New York Giants on Kimmel; Lisa Kudrow and Weird Al on Ferguson; Zooey Deschanel, Chris Hardwick, and Primus on Fallon; and Carol Burnett and Jon Glaser on Conan.