Pictured (L to R): An astronaut, Jon Cryer
Today in news that I promise I am not making up, Ashton Kutcher is going to be launched into space. The “Two and a Half Men” star plunked down $200,000 and signed up to be the 500th customer of Virgin Galactic, billionaire Richard Branson’s Duck Boat tour of the cosmos. Sayeth Sir Branson:
Great news today news from our Astronaut Relations team at Virgin Galactic: our 500th future astronaut customer has just signed up! Even better news is that number 500 is Ashton Kutcher. I gave Ashton a quick call to congratulate and welcome him. He is as thrilled as we are at the prospect of being among the first to cross the final frontier (and back!) with us and to experience the magic of space for himself.
I reached out to my grandfather for a comment about this, and he had this to say: “What? Hello? Who is this? Hold on. [sound of rustling newspaper pages as he looks for the TV remote to turn down the volume] OK, what? Oh, hi. The who now? Asston Kupper? Oh, the kid who replaced the guy. I love that show. Why’s his character going to space? What? In real life? Oh, for the love of … TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS? Jesus. What’s happening to this country? You used to have to be a goddamn genius war hero to go to space. Now any goof with a checking account can-… huh? Katy Perry is going, too? Who the hell is Katy Perry? A singer? Hold on, who kissed a girl? Oh good Lord. On the radio? I’ll tell you, I just don’t know anymore. This type of crap wouldn’t be happening if Old Blue Eyes was still around. Now there was a class act. He and Dean really handled themselv- hold on, the weather’s coming on. I gotta go. [hangs up]”
So I guess that settles that.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
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Hopefully he dies on the way back to his home planet of Douchetonia.
Wiggly-wiggly.
I feel this will be history repeating itself in a Titanic fashion. Too much hype. Ticket prices too high. Famous/rich people on the maiden voyage. There will be an lengthy, overrated movie about this in 100 years and a 3D version in 120.
Shove him out the airlock. Please.
The thought of Ashton getting airlocked, BSG style, makes me SO HAPPY.
But then he’d just download into another body, and return with probably an even douchier hat..
Stephen Hawking’s on the list…..???
They ought to bump him up to the front of the line…..with his strippers….
[minx.cc]
The article was actually supposed to read “A-list couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and the strippers of physicist’s Stephen Hawking’s”
Look, I’m not usually one of those people to get all bent out of shape because celebrities have things that I can’t have, but this is just so wrong.
Yeah, this shuttle totally needs to get harvested by Reapers…
Um, if you’re referring to the space pirates in Mr. Joss Whedon’s epic intergalactic sci-fi western “Firefly,” the precise term is “Reavers.” Geez, that’s Browncoats 101!
*takes hit off inhaler*
I think he meant Mass Effect Reapers.
Oh…well…yeah…that, uh…SMOKEBOMB!!
*scurries away*
I’ve been calling for Ashton Kutcher to get fired into space for YEARS, man.
The thought of Katy Perry’s boobs in zero gravity interests me greatly.
It’s not exactly right on the money, but this thought makes me want to say A WHOOOOLLLLLLLE NEWWWW WOOOOOOOOOOORLLLLDDD!
Your Grandfather sounds like a good lay.
I’m surprised your grandfather didn’t also mention how much he likes that Leno kid.
Maybe they will put Ashton on a rocket into the sun. Like when Homer and Bart found themselves on a shuttle with Rosie O’Donnell and Andy Dick.
One way ticket, yes?
I’m sure there’s an engineer bold enough to do it
The commander thinks aloud: “It should have been you, Ashton.”
“Mr. Kutcher; here is your cabin: it is called ‘AIRLOCK’ so you can easily find it.”