The Most Boring Sounding Show of All-Time?

Here I was expecting the news that Showtime is developing a series based on the little-known 2007 crime comedy You Kill Me to be the most perplexing thing I’d hear all day. NOPE. I forget one thing: the Piven Factor. Ever since Jeremy Piven hung up his yarmulke adorned with women in bikinis and put away his Big Book of Small Asian Insults, to fly off into the gorgeous Los Angeles smog in the “Entourage” finale, he’s remained quiet. But the douche is back, baby, and he’s in talks to star in the most BORING sounding show ever.

Jeremy Piven is in negotiations to star in the 10-episode ITV drama series Mr. Selfridge. Announced just last week by the British commercial broadcaster, “Mr. Selfridge” will trace the life of the flamboyant and visionary American entrepreneur, Harry Gordon Selfridge (Piven), and chronicle the launch of his famous London department store Selfridge’s. Based on the book “Shopping, Seduction, and Mr. Selfridge” by Lindy Woodhead, the series, created by Andrew Davies (Bridget Jones’ Diary), is looking to capitalize on the success of another ITV period drama, “Downton Abbey.” Mr. Selfridge is set in London in 1909 at a time when wealthy women were enjoying a new sense of freedom, and “Mile a Minute Harry” wanted to indulge, empower, and celebrate these women, making shopping as thrilling as sex. (Deadline)

JESUS. That sounds terrible. It’s like a checklist of the world’s most uninteresting things: shopping, department stores, a show that will attempt to capitalize on the success of another series, Bridget Jones’ Diary, LONDON. And not only does the idea of Piven as a “flamboyant entrepreneur” make about as much sense as him once attending theater camp with Billy Zane (actually, that makes perfect sense), Selfridge was the guy who coined the term, “The customer is always right.” Meaning, we’ll get to hear an endless amount of inaccurate, “hang in there, kitty” phrases that mean NOTHING from the guy who once asked America, “Got Milf?”