Previously on TV Gourmet: we prepared meals from “Happy Endings,” “The Simpsons,” “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “Freaks and Geeks,” and “30 Rock.” Today, we’re focusing on FX’s “Archer,” which just finished its superb, excellent, other synonyms for "awesome" third season. We cried into SO many potatoes.
We (“we” being myself and photographer Nadia) made food and drinks from throughout the show’s run, including breakfast chow paired with Nutella and one of the foulest things I’ve ever drank – and I’ve had Diet Mountain Dew. (We wanted to make a Green Russian, but absinthe is more expensive than we thought. If there’s anyone out there with access to cheap green liquor, let us know. The more clearly opened the bottle, the better!)
No ocelots were cooked in the making of this post.
Meal: Nutella Steak and Eggs
Episode: "Drift Problem" (S03E04)
Ingredients: Nutella, steak, and eggs
This is the meal that Archer hopes for, but never gets, on his birthday. Consider it a mixed blessing. Putting Nutella – which if given the option between killing my entire family or getting the world’s last container of the sinfully delicious hazelnut spread, SORRY GRANDPA – on the eggs was wonderful. It should replace Cadbury Eggs during Easter-time, and everyone would be fatter and happier for it. Nutella, eggs, and steak, though: not so much. It was an unpleasant ménage à trois, with the steak attempting to force its way into the proceedings, while the Nutella and eggs happily made love together in my mouth. It was just…just awkward for everyone.
Meal: Scotch and Gummy Bears
Episode: "Killing Utne" (S01E04)
Ingredients: Scotch...and (six) gummy bears
There are six gummy bears in the glass. I was precise. Trying to drink scotch while simultaneously chewing on a gummy bear is a lot tougher than it seems – and not particularly flavorsome, either. The gummies (WILL YOU STOP SAYING “GUMMY” SO MUCH?) are too chewy and the scotch is too powerful to be ingested at the same time. What I’d recommend is soaking the gummies in a glass of God’s Greatest Alcoholic Gift, to let the liquor marinate into those little bears. So much better. Plus, it’s an adorable way to get hammered.
Meal: Bloody Mary
Episode: "The Limited" (S03E03)
Ingredients: "Relax, it's just a Bloody Mary. And by the way, not a very good one, Mr. Vodka and Ketchup."
I took this recipe very literally. I filled a glass with vodka, and then squeezed some ketchup into it. Predictably, it tasted as bad as it looked (the picture below reminds me of those expanding dinosaur capsules you’d put into water – or a caterpillar blood orgy). It was like drinking straight vodka chased with a side of hot sauce; the ketchup’s flavor was amped up, more spicy than sweet. The celery stalk wouldn’t have made a difference.
Meal: Malcolm X Tea
Episode: "Blood Test" (S02E03)
Ingredients: Nutmeg and water
I wasn't familiar with Malcolm X Tea until hearing about it on "Archer." The drink, according to Urban Dictionary, is a "cheap high that Malcolm X was known for using while in prison. In his biography, he noted a glass of 'tea' having the same effect as smoking three or four reefers." To make the drink, all you have to do is stir 3/4 cup of nutmeg into a glass of water, and BOOM, you've got yourself XT(ea).
I had two sips before I was done. The only note I took down was “nutmeg…moldy cinnamon…” (Note to self: start a band called Moldy Cinnamon.) I couldn’t imagine drinking an entire glass of the tea. At first, you’re dreading the nutmeg, then you swallow a little and realize it’s mostly water, until the aftertaste kicks in, and you immediately want to hurl. Thing is, if I knew this existed as a teenager, I would have drank it every Friday night (I’m sipping HISTORY), followed by a Saturday morning spent robotripping. Being a teenager is the worst.
Meal: Bear Claw and a Shandy
Episode: "El Secuestro" (S02E10)
Ingredients: Bear claw, 24oz beer, and lemonade
What’s a guy gotta do to get a bear claw in New York? Seriously. I went to five bakeries and two grocery stores in Manhattan and Brooklyn, and couldn’t find a single god damned bear claw. Does Pam get them in Queens, where she lives? I’m not going out there – it smells like the Mets.
So I used a bow tie as a bear claw replacement. I know, I know. Blasphemy. So to forget my heresy, I bought a 24oz can of beer, mixed in some lemonade to make a Shandy (Pam’s breakfast drink!), and chugged that tall boy out of a brown paper sack (hobo’s choice), pausing only to devour the delectable, if sacrilegious bow tie. It worked: I was in a happy place, where the world was my fancy dinner party and bear claws were on every corner. Though that may have been the Malcolm X Tea talking.
That’s my drinkin’ sweater!
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/679/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/tumblr_m4bjkorWgS1rw6l1no1_400-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/sterlingarcherdraperpryce-pirateking-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/everyone-speaks-swedish-in-the-artsy-its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-season-9-trailer-uproxx1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bawk-150x150.gif)
Coddled egg, ma’am?
(Use Creme de Menthe for a green liquor instead of Absinthe.)
You should have made a Pimm’s Cup, but put it in a Pimp’s Cup.
Also – I imbibed (well tried to) nutmeg tea as a teen. (Back when gettin’ weed was hard, you whippersnappers today!)
It was just as awful as you described.
Bow ties are just bow tie shaped glazed donuts. Bear claws are awesome, they have almonds and pecans and other stuff in them. You should have asked for an apple fritter somewhere, they are pretty close to bear claws.
Sigh. I know. They’re all I’ve been thinking about the last few days.
Next time you’re back here in the Capital District I’ll buy you a bear claw. Great post nonetheless.
In college I lived half a block away from a bakery that was famous for apple fritters and bear claws. They’d open at 2am to get the stumbling home drunk crowd, and it was amazing. Many, many times I’ve enjoyed a giant bear claw and a shandy simultaneously.
Grill. Me. A. Cheese.
I’m not grilling you a cheese.
Now I want a bear claw.
…smeared with Nutella.
Rowr
A word of caution, nutmeg in large quantities is poisonous, so please do not try this at home, or anywhere. The “high” is you literally being poisoned, so you can imagine the two to three day hangover is not ideal.
Isn’t any high or drunk feeling basically you being poisoned?
I’ve heard of opening a teabag and adding nutmeg (makes a less gritty solution) then ploping said bag in hot water. Mixing ground mutmeg in a glass like Ovlatine was bound to fail.
Oh, Midori is a bright ass green booze, and tasty!
What kind of Scotch did you use? I find Glenlivet and Green Gummy Bears the most appealing combination.
Of course if you warm up with a few scotches before the gummy bears it won’t matter what you add.
God, I love these posts.
I happen to have an open bottle of Absinthe, but it tastes very much like strong black licorice (and I can’t stand black licorice). The idea of mixing that with creme and pounding it makes me want to barf in of itself.
Thankfully someone else already tried it: [www.liquorsnob.com]
Apparently the recipe for it is in the book “How to Archer”.
Best absinthe I’ve had in America:
[www.stgeorgespirits.com]
No Eggs Woodhouse? Am I the only one that bought that book???
I don’t know if a Bloggman’s Wage would cover the $130 a single plate of Eggs Woodhouse costs.
Pruno would have been another good choice from the book.
Also, that was a Gummi Roy, not just Scotch and Gummy Bears.
Hear! Hear!
As a Queens native and a Mets fan, that last comment cut deep.
*thinks about Staten Island. Laughs heartily*
Okay, I feel better now.
I say it as a Mets fan, too.
/takes shot of Malcolm X tea
Dammit.
Midori is a melon liquor that is bright green. It’s awful, but cheaper than absinthe.
That bloody mary looks like a war crime.
What kind of ketchup did you use?
…Just saying you need to try it a few more times. You probably just used the wrong brand.
If you add green food coloring to white Sambuca, you’ll get absinthe color and flavor (although not quite as intense) without the cost.
And in a pinch, you could probably make ketchup work in a bloody mary if you added beef broth, worcestershire sauce, black pepper, celery salt, and a little fresh lime.
Are we having a mixed drink or a roast?
Those aren’t acronyms. They’re synonyms. Just saying
I’m mixing my Isopropyl and Tang, in tribute to the season finale.
looks like someone left a plate of food out back of downtown diner and homeless person shat on it…Yeah, shat on it