What’s On Tonight: ‘Alcatraz’ Finale, Other Stuff

Alcatraz (FOX) – Two-hour season finale. I hung out with some people this weekend who have been watching this show all year. I asked them what they thought about it, and I swear they looked at each other for a full five seconds, then looked at me and shrugged in unison. A ringing endorsement, indeed.

Dancing With the Stars/Castle (ABC) – I really enjoy how “Castle” went from “Hey, this writer is going to help solve murders” to “OMG CASTLE AND BECKETT HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A CREEPY SERIAL KILLER WHO RUNS DRUGS FOR THE RUSSIAN MOB AND THEY ARE BEING KEPT IN A SEX DUNGEON WITH A TIGER AND ALSO DID THE SEXY SECRETARY DO IT MAYBE.”

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) – Spring premiere. Have you guys ever watched this show? SHEESH. Rabbits on ecstasy bone less than these kids.

Smash (NBC) – I honestly tried to get into this show, but it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t want to point the finger at anyone, but I don’t think it would have killed them to incorporate Keith Sweat somehow.

Intervention (A&E) – From TV Guide: “A young cocaine addict who started using with her mom isn’t scared about possibly facing death.” Yeah, I know, TV Guide. That’s how cocaine works.

Diners, Driven-ins, and Dives (Food Network) – The Food Network runs episodes of this show all night long on Mondays. I consider it a personal victory if I watch less than 20 minutes total. I’m a sick, sick person.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Zooey Deschanel and Steven Seagal on Kimmel (God what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in that green room); Rachel Maddow and Timothy Olyphant (DVR ALERT) on Letterman; Elizabeth Banks and Carson Daly on Leno; Sam Worthington and Casey Wilson on Fallon; Kristen Chenoweth on Conan; and Shaq is on “The Daily Show,” for some reason.