Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking? Smells Like a Crappy Reality Show

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is joining every other plebe-tastic network suit in Hollywood and developing yet another goddamn reality show. This is one is an “action-packed reality ‘global adventure’ series,” titled “The Hero,” in which the Rock sets out to find a real american hero.

The series, which is in the early stages of development, would place three teams on three different continents and “challenge contestants with difficult moral dilemmas, incredible feats of courage, and individual leadership and sacrifice.”

Here’s the thing, Dwayne. Four hundred television executives have already tried their own “extreme” versions of “Survivor” plus “The Amazing Race,” and zero of them have been successful. You know why? Because network insurance policies don’t actually allow for much danger on those programs. There’s only so many times we can watch someone bungee jump after being carefully and meticulously strapped in by a team of professionals to ensure that no one gets hurt.

What we want to see is someone get hurt. They allow it in NASCAR, so why don’t they allow it in reality television? In fact, here’s the perfect idea: 25 men and women placed on a NASCAR track. They have to complete six laps on foot, while dodging auto racers. Also, they have to stop after each lap and perform an “American Idol” style karaoke number. To take the competitive advantage away from the auto racers, each contestant is also given an uzi. The winner of the auto race and then winner of the foot race then must duke it out, bare knuckled, until someone dies. The survivor wins. Boom! Profit!

Now, that’s a reality show, Dwayne.