There is nothing more satisfying on television than the death of a character we either loathe or love to loathe. How fantastic was it to see, for instance, Agent Stahl get her comeuppance in "Sons of Anarchy," or The Trinity Killer in "Dexter" or even Mags Bennett in "Justified" (RIP). Those characters were designed specifically to make us hate them, thus making their deaths so much more crowd-pleasing. Then again, there are several other television characters who are hated not by design, but by virtue of bad writing or bad acting, who we hate because they've outstayed their welcome, or exhausted their character's function. They, too, would bring standing ovations in living rooms all across America if they were to meet an untimely demise.
Here are 11 characters I'd like to see die within the next year, starting tonight on the season finale of "Justified." For different reasons, each death would be met with cheers.
Tracy Jordan -- A year ago, I'd have probably put Kenneth Parcell on this list -- he'd been going through the motions for several seasons. But they managed to break him out of the funk in "30 Rock's' sixth season, pulling him out of the page department and putting him through a series of other positions (most recently, janitor). It's Tracy Jordan that's the true dead weight to "30 Rock." The writers extracted a lot of comedy out of his character for a few seasons, but at this point, another Tracy subplot in which he does something moronic only to be saved (again) by Liz Lemon or Kenneth is the last thing I want to see. He's already expendable to "30 Rock," but thanks Tracy Morgan's personal life, his character death would be karmic retribution.
Method of Death: Suffocating in a GLAAD bag.
Sarah Linden -- Mireille Enos is a great actress (and I only just discovered that she was married to Alan Ruck), but her "The Killing" character has quickly become one of the most exhausting on television. Not only is she a bad mother -- nearly moving her son away from Seattle in every third episode, only to change her mind and stay for the investigation -- but it's clear now that she's also a bad detective, failing to pick up on several leads in time to save several characters, who have been killed or injured because of her incompetence. Her perpetually glum disposition doesn't help her case, either.
Method of Death: Being drenched to death by the Seattle rain.
Debra Morgan: "Dexter's" sister began the series run as the weakest character in the series, a damsel-in-distress disguised as a foul-mouthed detective. She was constantly getting involved with the very men who would end up dead at the end of the season. However, the last couple of seasons saw her character maturing, rising the ranks of the Miami Police Department and actually gaining a modicum of independence, even if she was dating the show's most obnoxious character. But then, the "Dexter" writers ruined all the progress they made with Debra with the last two episodes of the most recent season, in which Debra develops a bang-worthy crush on her brother. The fact that she knows her brother is now a serial killer only makes her character that much more expendable.
Method of Death: At Dexter's hand, of course. One plunge of the knife into her chest would turn "Dexter" into the horrifically dark show it needs to be.
Señor Chang -- A great recurring character in the first season of "Community," Señor Chang quickly lost his place as fan favorite once he was elevated to a series regular. Always on the outside of the study group looking in, Chang has more than outstayed his welcome, and the few episodes that have revolved around him tend to be the weakest. Dan Harmon doesn't really know what to do with him anymore, and turning a power-tripping Greendale professor into a community college security guard with no real power has completely defanged the character.
Method of Death: Death by paintball, preferably in the upcoming "Law & Order" episode.
Ted Mosby -- There's little reason to rehash all the reason in which Ted Mosby has become the single-most useless character on "How I Met Your Mother." Because of the show's premise, Ted's character is not allowed to advance. He's stuck in neutral while the other characters evolve around him. How many more dead-end relationships can we suffer through? It certainly doesn't help, either, that Ted is also the least amusing character in the show.
Method of Death: Wouldn't it be great if the mother of Ted's children is also his murderer, and the entire show was narrated by a Bob Saget in the afterlife?
Winona Hawkins -- The writers have caught on to the fact that Winona is a fairly useless character in the "Justified" universe, doubly so now that she's pregnant. If Raylan gives in to Winona's demands that he leave his position as a US Marshall, the show will end. If she stays, she becomes a never-ending nag, pestering Raylan to leave. That goddamn baby won't help.
Method of Death: Collateral damage in the ultimate Boyd Crowder/Dickie Bennet hair-off, preferably before giving birth (giving tonight's season finale a particularly dark and grisly ending).
Thomas Barrow -- The "Downton Abbey" footman is actually one of the show's best characters, but only because he's such a reliably good, insufferable little sh*t. He's one of the most loathsome, crap-stirring characters on television, and while that's kind of the reason we love him, it's also the very reason we'd get so much joy in seeing him die.
Method of Death: At the pummeling fist of Bates.
Betty Francis -- Matthew Weiner attempted to humanize her to some degree as Fat Betty, thinking we'd be able to sympathize with her because she feels sorry for herself. That did not, however, make her character any less annoying or pointless to the show. She's the only character that really exists outside of the Sterling Draper Price universe, and there's not really much reason for her to be on "Mad Men," unless Weiner's end game is to eventually reunite her and Draper. Coming up with different excuses to involve her in the main plotline is a drag on the show, particularly when we're far more interested in the inner machinations of an advertising agency and less in her self-esteem issues.
Method of Death: Death by chocolate cake.
Tara Knowles -- She should die for the same reason that Winona Hawkins should die, because she is a pestering nag on the main protagonist, Jax. It doesn't help that Kurt Sutter teased us all season long by holding out that carrot and pulling it at the last minute, after we'd already pre-celebrated her demise. She has served no function to "Sons of Anarchy" for the last two seasons; the fact that she's poised to be the next Gemma now doesn't really salvage that character. Her death would be a blessing to the show, allowing Jax some narrative freedom and bringing immeasurable joy to the "SoA" fanbase that has been sick of her whining for two years.
Method of Death -- Bitch-slapped to death by Gemma Teller.
Lori Grimes -- As Josh has already noted, Lori has been a drag on "The Walking Dead" since the beginning. She's also an awful person, sleeping with Shane, going back to Rick, turning Rick on Shane, then turning on Rick when he did EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED HIM TO DO. GOD WON'T SHE JUST DIED ALREADY? There's absolutely no consistency to her character, she's irritating as hell, SHE'S A TERRIBLE F STAR STAR BITCH OF A PARENT and she's a dead weight to "The Walking Dead."
Method of Death -- Death by ass-eating zombies.
King Joffrey -- You got to hand it to the sniveling little pissant who plays King Joffrey (Jack Gleeson); with a lip-curled bitchface and a terrible attitude, he's created the most reviled character on television. Unlike every other character on this list, save for Thomas Barrow (and arguably Betty Francis), Joffrey is actually fun to hate, to stir up all manner of macabre death for him in our minds. He's an egocentric little snot drunk on his own power and basically begging to be murdered by any other character on "Game of Thrones," including his own mother. I can't wait to see it happen.
Method of Death: Crucified in the public square, beaten to a bloody pulp, and finally scorched to death by Daenerys' dragon.
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I like Señor Chang this season. He’s almost back into that position of power with the kid security guards now. Expect big things from him when the season is almost over
Seconded, it’s sort of been a backburner thing with him slowly building back to some sort of power through the security guard thing.
^ (idiots)
The fact that he’s (quickly) devolved into a babbling psychopath makes all of that extremely unlikely. He’s the second most likely to go after Pierce.
Yeah, I don’t like Chang anymore. First season, he was good — the psychosis was pretty well suppressed, and was very funny in small doses. They took that a little too far in season 2, and way too far in season 3 (such as the noir detective story with the matchbooks and such… I really wanted to like that, but I just couldn’t, ‘cuz I’m so down on the character at this point). I don’t really love the idea of killing him off, but I would definitely like to see less of him.
Are you fucking kidding?!?! I loved Mags Bennett. She was bad, but awesome. Just because I feared her doesn’t mean I wanted her to die.
People who don’t even watch GoT want Joffrey dead
Lady didn’t do anything.
That’s how Joffrey should go – ripped to pieces by the rest of the direwolves.
Can someone compile a similar list of 100 ‘personalities’ from reality television shows we would like to see dead?
How could you narrow it down?
I believe they all tied at #1. All of them.
I would spare Ice T, who’s cool, and Coco, who makes a cool guy happy and isn’t particularly offensive herself. As for the rest: Wipe them out. All of them.
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH ABOUT DEBRA MORGAN!!!
I agree with pretty much the rest of them.
While I disagree very strongly with the way the writers handled Deb in the last couple episodes, I do like how she’s grown.
Kill LaGuerta. Please. Instant murder-boner.
Yeah, I like how Debra has grown (and I also think Jennifer Carpenter’s acting has improved pretty significantly as well); wouldn’t want to see her leave the show. The whole “crush on Dexter” thing was stupid, and felt incredibly sudden and forced, but I don’t really wanna hold that against her. But on the other hand, I do agree that Dexter killing Deb could be a hell of a turning point for the series, which could ultimately result in a better show… So I guess I’m torn on this idea.
Killing LaGuerta, however, I am behind 100%. I was really hoping that’d happen this season… or that she’d at least get fired. Bleh.
Sounds like they’re jumping on that incest bandwagon GoT made popular.
Seeing Winona grudge-fucking Hank Moody (Duchoveny) wasn’t enough death…….
…if only the sheet had slipped 1/4 inch more…
I would LOVE to see Bates beat the crap out of Thomas. And Betty needs to go. Not even cancer and being a fatty can make her sympathetic.
Tracy Jordan, on the other hand, is still good. And Chang is fine. I do love Changlourious Basterds.
Chang isn’t going anywhere, especially if Chevy leaves. If anything, he’ll get a bigger role in the show, which he might excel at.
Yeah, because he’s shown that he can excel at a bigger role this season…
Yeah, I can’t really imagine 30 Rock without Tracy. I mean, really everyone in the show feels kinda redundant, Jack and Liz excepted of course, but I don’t like the idea of getting rid of any of them. Except Hazel, ‘cuz she’s just 30 Rock’s version of Chang — more uncomfortable than fun.
I regretfully agree with the death of Tara Knowles…….that would be about the best way to wriggle out of the bull-shit “CIA” of last year….
i’d rather see Jenna go before Tracy. Her character has no redeeming qualities and she’s useless in every way imaginable.
I want Tara dead because she needs to focus on starring in Lifetime’s upcoming Casey Anthony movie.
Also, Joff is terrible, but at least he’s supposed to be terrible. And he serves a purpose. Somebody like Lori Grimes is way more frustrating to watch.
Honestly, I’ll be a little bummed when Joffrey finally does eat it (assuming he does). He really is fun to hate, and actually I’ve come to like him, in a morbid, perverse kind of way. He’s just such a tremendous cunt, and pure evil, but it’s sorta fun to see what terrible thing he’s going to do next, and he’s also kind of a wild card. Kid could do anything…
However, it will be satisfying when/if he does finally get killed off. The death prescribed by Dustin sounds pretty good, but I would have to add a decapitation and a slap (in that order).
Advocating Jennifer Love Hewitt and trashing Winona, TV’s most gloriously braless court reporter, on the same day? I hardly recognize this site anymore.
Just look at the ‘By Line’. If it says “Dustin Rowles” then its the Anti-Matt.
Winona 4-eva!
I hate to be the guy to do this, but…..hey, there sure are a lot of women on your list of TV characters that you want to die, Dustin. That’s not a criticism against you, really, but against TV writers in general, who create bland and predictable female characters because most TV writers are men and blah blah blah. The thing is, Winona, Betty and Tara are all redeemable characters, in my opinion, because the shows they star on are of high quality and have other female characters that are stronger and more 3-dimensional. Killing off these characters would be the easy way out; it’s an easy trap to make the main character’s love interest a nagging bitch, so if these shows are as great as we think they are, they have to fix these problems instead of throwing them away.
(As for Betty, she can remain a heartless ice queen, as long as she continues to passive-aggressively torment Sally. That eternal struggle is a welcome B-plot to the Mad Men world.)
Can we lump Carl in there with Lori for a twofer?
Seconded. And forget the zombies, I want to see Rick bludgeon them to death.
Disagree with Tracy Jordan but strongly agree with both Tara and Lori grimes. I think Tara gets off light compared to all the shit Lori gets.
I would add Manny from Modern Family. It only makes sense since the writers have beaten ‘he’s a little kid but he acts old’ joke to death anyway. They should give him advanced dimentia or at least a broken hip to go with it.
They need to milk that kid for as long as they can because as soon as he hits puberty it’s not going to be funny anymore.
Surprised Skyler White didn’t make the cut.
Skyler White of seasons 1,2 and half of 3. Yes
Skyler White of season 3 half number 2 until present? Nope.
They actually did a pretty good job of developing her to the point where I actually root for her a little bit.
Marie Schrader, on the other hand…
But Chickens don’t you want to watch a subplot about stealing decorative spoons?! I literally stopped watching Breaking Bad for a couple weeks after that episode. I went back, but man was I mad at that show.
You are insane if you think Tracy Jordan is dead weight. The fuck man?!
Chang?! Chang?! Did you not see him unleash his child army?!
Winona?! I’m #TeamBartender now but still man… the fuck?!
You had a few easy ones on there like Lori and Betty but you forgot Skylar.
I predict that Betty gets hooked on diet pills and ends the season screaming about wire hangers.
RAYLAN GIVENS MUST DIE!
That’s blasphemy round here. So if any of the commenters were gonna say it, I knew it’d be you.
Cancel Community?
Big Bang Theory is great TV?
#sixseasonsandamovie of The Paul Reiser Show?
JJ that is some good shit.
Why did they renew PoS GoT?
Oprah > Zooey?
You can’t kill Tracy Jordan! Scaling him down into the background would work, though.
Can the whole cast of ‘The Killing’ get murdered?
And yeah, I suppose Hope Solo’s uglier sister can go, too.
If “Tom and Anne’s Relationship” on Parks and Rec could be considered a character it would be my #1
Agreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
You know, Parks and Rec turned into The Office so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
I would agree completely, but I actually enjoyed what they did with that relationship in… I think it was the last episode before this break. They definitely shouldn’t write any more stories about it, even C-plots, but as long as they keep it as a background-y sort of running gag, and never treat it as anything more than a joke, then I think it could make for good comedy.
keep tara as the new gemma. kill gemma, preferably by clay, who is then killed by opie and jax together.
also, keep winona but make her more bad ass.
Sansa should kill Joffrey with a mace made out of her dad’s skull.
Karen and Monica from Shameless, if they come back in the third season.
Second!
Er, not second season, but “second” as in, I agree.
Littlefinger. Never forget Ned!
“Tell me he gets an axe to the face.”
“Tell me she gets an arrow to the back.”
“Tell me he gets a mace to the balls.”
-Me, watching GOT and talking to my wife (who’s read the books).
Good call.
Catelyn Stark should cut Littlefinger’s nuts off and feed them to him.
Then Roz the Whore could beat him to death with her big, juicy titties.
I decided my new theory is Ted never marries and rather the way he has the children is he murders the mother and kidnaps them. It’s the only logical explanation. HIMYM=How I Murdered Your Mother.
Greatest twist ever would be these aren’t his kids at all and instead has been boring two kids for years with his stories.
I want to see Frank Reynolds die, and then come back at the funeral to reveal an elaborate hoax he conjured in order to find out what the gang really thinks of him.
Dee is probably the safe choice. And Meg on Family Guy.
Frank can stay dead. There are some times I find him hilarious but a lot of times I want him to stop ruining the flow of the others.
Oh, and Tara on True Blood. Although she may be dead, they left her hanging.
I could make a top 10 TV characters I want to die list ONLY made up of True Blood characters.
Mac and Charlie already did that exact plot line. “Ehhhhhhhhhh, I’m pretty sure I saw you fuck that doll, Frank.”
Never read the “novels”…but Lori’s perfect death would be her unborn child dying…zombifying…and then eating his/her way out of Lori alien-style…that’d be pretty cool.
Whoa.
I started watching The Killing this season and I like it, manly because it isn’t NCIS/CSI/L&O/etc. Having followed several murder investigations it seems that is how a lot of them actually go; flawed people, flawed cops, flawed evidence, flawed investigations, flawed etc. I guess I’m the only one and I’m not cool.
The chick from the Daily Show who is the “new Kenneth,” on 30 Rock should die. She is the perfect “jumpsharkian,” character. She is as crazy as Chang, as useless as Betty Draper, and as replaceable as wynona is to that sweet, sweet bartender. In the theatre we’d call that a triple threat.
I concur. As much as I love Kristen Schaal, I really dislike that character. Although, she did show her surprisingly-well-filled bra last week (or whenever that was)… so she’s not ALL bad.
What did you say!
/Joffrey Voice
Man what can I add that others haven’t already hit on? Definitely kill Frank, Karen, and Monica from “Shameless”. Hazel is terrible on “30 Rock” and kills my Liz Lemon boner every week. Winona from “Justified”, and I’ll go with Betty’s husband on “Mad Men”. Unlike most people, I don’t hate Betty. She started off as the prototypical housewife a la Betty Friedan’s “The Feminine Mystique”. She wasn’t always cold and heartless, she was a model and speaks fluent Italian. She gave that up to be repeatedly cheated on by the only man she’d ever slept with and loved. So I think her character is somewhat justified. She really just needs to fall off the rails and embrace yippie counter culture full-on. Sleeping with Black Panthers and building bombs while taking a shitload of drugs. That’s the way to bring Betty, nee Peekaboo Lily Pad back.
Maybe instead of killing off Winona we give her a spin-off show; the working title: “Would Bang”.
Is Scrappy Doo still going? Elmo can get fucked too; not that I’ve seen it in anything recently, but y’know, just in case.
Skylar from Breaking Bad should be #1. If only Gus could come back to take her out.
The Office has put it in neutral and been coasting down mediocre st. for a while now, but if there’s anyway Gabe, Nellie, and Robert California could all die, preferably due to an accident caused by Andy that leads to him getting demoted from manager, I’d be all for it.
To kill Tracy is to kill 30 Rock. Ya’ll have clowned on 30 Rock and not given it its due ever since Matt left. And its ridiculous. One of the consistently funniest shows on TV each and every week, in large part due to Tracy’s awesomely absurd humor. FOR SHAME!
Also, no one speaks ill of my Winona and lives to tell the tale.
Can’t we just kill every sit com on CBS, or whoever decides to put them on TV, they stink.
Clay Morrow. It is impossible to believe that none of the people whose lives he has destroyed won’t just say “fuck it” and cap his ass.
Number one easily has to be Ashton Kutcher’s character on Two and a Half Men, followed closely by Joe Rogan’s character on Fear Factor and Donald Trump.
“Never read the “novels”…but Lori’s perfect death would be her unborn child dying…zombifying…and then eating his/her way out of Lori alien-style…that’d be pretty cool.” Dude, they need to hire you as a writer. This would be AWESOME! Also, stick Carl in a room with a butch zombie tween and lock the door.
Ann on Parks and Rec. She’s got nothing to do but they seem to want to give her a bigger storyline. Either make her like Jerry and Donna as occasional comic relief, but her character is boring and the continual failed dating is really lazy writing.
Betty Draper has some more life in her – pill addiction, evil mother, driving her husband away, and I hope there’s an episode where Don gets to see the new Betty. That ain’t gonna be pretty.
Mags Bennet was awesome. I hated to see her go. I also love how she took care of that guy’s little girl in the end.
Yeah, fuk dat, Chang stays…
How about this. The kids in the future on HIMYM are actualluy listening to Ted’s ghost asking them to avenge his death. Yet another similartity between that show and Hamlet.
And people are missing the simple but elegant fact that Fat Betty is becoming a flesh-and-blood Pam Poovey to match Don being a flesh-and-blood Archer.