A lot of sites will try to rank theme songs, but we do it differently here at WarmingGlow. We use a heady combination of legal intoxicants and MADE-UP SCIENCE? Over the weekend, I got together with a lab rat friend of mind and a couple of six packs, and over the course of a few hours, we developed a sophisticated algorithm for objectively determining how bad a television theme song is. By analyzing over 1000 theme songs based on the type of music, the notes, and it's pairing with the subject material of the show, we were able to narrow down the the list to the 20 worst.
Several factors went into the algorithm, and for each factor, a negative score was tabulated. The factors included, but were not limited to:
Flutes trills.
Synthesizers.
Out of tune harmonies.
Lyric cheesiness.
Negative earworm qualities.
Needlessly mournful piano
Excessive piano tinkles.
Showtune-like qualities.
Egregious use of saxophone
Muted trumpets.
80's-ness.
Poor use of gospel choirs.
Chuck Norris tone deaf-ness.
Poor rhyme scheme.
Disco-like qualities.
Inappropriate trombone slides.
The degree to which the theme provokes blood-lust.
Using all of these factors, and programming in the "Mike Hammer" theme song as a baseline, we ran the theme songs through two computers: A TRS 80 and a Commodore 64. Using an old atari joystick, we were able to calibrate the algorithm on the fly to adjust for cochlear bleeding. This is the final, ranked list of 20 Worst Theme Songs that the dot matrix printer spit out. You can argue with the results, but you'd be arguing with MADE-UP SCIENCE, and made-up science always wins.
20. Small Wonder
19. Blossom
18. Eight is Enough
17. Facts of Life
16. Family Guy
15. L.A. Law
14. The Love Boat
13. Baywatch
12. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
11. Hello Larry
10. BJ and the Bear
9. Walker Texas Ranger
8. My Secret Identity
7. Joanie Loves Chachi
6. Hogan's Family
5. Three's Company
4. The L Word
3. Mr. Belvedere
2. The Nanny
1. Star Trek: Enterprise
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In 2012 dollars, what was the street value of the loose cocaine in the recording studio where they recorded the Three’s Company theme song?
They can’t all be “The Fall Guy”.
God damn, Blossom was such an awesome show in every single scene that didn’t include Blossom.
BAYWATCH?! THE MACHINE IS ON THE FRITZ!
[whacks machine with wrench]
Best TV Theme Song: Tour of Duty
How does the “Friends” theme song not make this list?
One of my favorite things was checking out the used CDs section around 1995–the Rembrandts’ “LP” was EVERYWHERE.
I concur with the annoying as hell “Friends” theme. The “Golden Girls” theme made me open up a euthanasia clinic in Switzerland. Nauseous schmaltz. That’s the name of the guy who runs it.
Best tv theme songs of all time for synthesizers and 80′-ness: Miami Vice and Knight Rider.
Quality picks. Knightrider’s been sampled 400 times by now.
Listening to the Miami Vice theme while driving automatically increases your speed by 20 mph.
Buffy’s wasn’t so bad. Just repetitive as hell, and the part where it starts with organ music is a little annoying. Also, I like Family Guy’s theme.
WOW, The L Word’s is baaaad. And thank you for picking Enterprise’s themesong as #1. That shit ruined the show for me before I even watched an episode. A Star Trek themesong with lyrics? Fuck you, whoever made that decision.
Completely agree on Enterprise.
Way to kill the franchise, Bakula.
The Love Boat?? GASP!!
Its cheesiness was what made it great!
And good call on the Small Wonder – my first thought when I saw the list was, “fucking Small Wonder better be on there…”
And yes, Family Guy has always had a shitty theme song. Kind of matched the shitty show…
You also have to realize, that the Enterprise Theme was originally recorded by Rod Stewart, and was on the soundtrack album for Patch Adams, years before Enterprise was ever on the air.
I could have gone the rest of my life without being reminded that Dr. John did the theme song for “Blossom.”
Firstly, I can’t believe Firefly didn’t make this list. Wost. Theme. Ever.
And Buffy? Easily in my top 5.
This.
No Friends?
No Full House?
No Family Matters?
Oh god, Full House. You’re absolutely right. I only have to catch a second of the song and it invades my head for a good three weeks… Terrible.
How could you not have [a theme song I disliked a little bit back when the show used to air but I haven't thought much about it since] on this list? This list is an abortion.
I would have to vote for Psych. Love the show. Hate the theme song.
I’ll second that.
Look, in this point, I know, you know.
I gotta disagree with the Buffy one. As substitute I offer this, the theme song for The Ultimate Fighter tv show (now in it’s zillionth season):
(Let the testosterone hit the floor!)
[www.youtube.com]
Lyrics:
There is no substitute/for the ultimate/is whats in store/
bear witness/to the fitness of the modern warrior
BOOM another hit is landed(x2)
the stealth of a sniper/the strength of a viper/the training/the challenge/the ultimate fighter
you’re gonna get hit/you’re gonna get knocked out/you’re gonna feel it/this is the ultimate
True story: I’ve watched every episode of that show and never once heard the theme music.
* hugs DVR *
But have you heard that song…accousticized?
[www.youtube.com]
That’s actually not the theme song this season. They left that over at Spike.
I’ve never even heard of Hello Larry. A sitcom about a radio talk show host set in the Pacific Northwest. No way could that idea ever work.
I didn’t even start the music, I just read the show title and “Portland is a long way from L.A.” popped into my head. Worst earworm ever.
Dustin, thank you for reminding me how much I wanted to plow Jenna Von Oy as a teenager and how I’m going to lose entire afternoon staring at pictures of her well-manicured backyard.
I was thrilled by the absence of “California” by Phantom Planet. I hate that band, and the song is awful, but it works so well
I liked that song the first time I heard it, but it definitely was not a good choice for a themesong. Same thing for “Save Me” from Smallville.
And the Community theme is needlessly bouncy. Unlike Alison Brie who is appropriately bouncy.
Listen to the words to the song. Not exactly an uplifting song
The most shocking thing about this list? None of these songs was written by Richard Marx.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU KNOW NOTHING!
THERE ARE AT LEAST FIVE SONGS ON THIS LIST THAT BELONG ON THE TOP 50 TV THEME SONG LIST!
I SING THE MR. BELVEDERE THEME SONG EVERYDAY, YOU MANIAC!
Agreed. LA LAW is awesome. It’s an endorsement for cocaine consumption.
plus La Law opens up with what I can only assume is the sweaty sax player guy going to town. La Law’s theme goes down as one of the best… with the Incredible Hulk, Night Court and Dukes of Hazard
I want to react negatively…but I just don’t care enough about these shows.
If you would have included Simon and Simon or Knight Rider…there would have been blood, though.
I JUST LISTENED TO THE MR BELVEDERE THEME SONG AGAIN.
I LOVE IT AS MUCH AS I NOW HATE YOU!
LEON FUCKING REDBONE IS MORE OF A MAN THAT YOU WILL EVER BE!
*THAN* YOU WILL EVER BE.
IT’S HARD TO TYPE ACCURATELY WHEN I’M ANGRY.
I also love The Love Boat Theme, but not enough to yell.
Mr Belvedere? FUCK YOU.
I cant hear the ER theme without having horrid 90s flashbacks.
Fuck you, as in I disagree with its inclusion. Jacktion speaks the knowledge.
I refuse to believe that anything involving Bob Ueker is bad.
@Mushroom
Except for the Brewers.
Ok Star Trek theme song was pretty F—ing bad, damn almost died from all the cringing I did listening to it. But yeah, as much as I love Firefly & Psych, they both deserve to be in the top 15.
WHATEVS. Firefly is epic, and it’s theme song is too.
#20 – how dare you.
Glad instrumental themes aren’t bad enough for consideration. If the themes to Knight Rider and Airwolf were on here I’d be pissed.
It’s like I’m suddenly back in the early-to-mid-90s and I’m ~10-years-old and buying the Television’s Greatest Hits CDs.
Mr. Belvedere and Threes Company were good. Enterprise deserves the #1 spot. However, all 5 seasons of the wire should be on there. 5 different attempts and every one of them was terrible. A perfect example of great show, terrible theme song.
Why do you hate America?
Why do you hate an American artist like Tom Waits?
…or the Neville Brothers … or Steve Earle … or those kids from Bodymore Murderland?
(The bass line in the end credits was incredible.)
I don’t hate America Otto. I just hate its freedom.
Where have I see this before…. [www.uproxx.com]
What’s awful: Dustin misremembered The Hogan Family as “Hogan’s Family” back then, and is still making the same mistake now.
What’s the point of me being a dick about your mistakes in internet comments if you won’t LEARN from them?
That link…I may never read another Dustin post again. NIGHT COURT?!?!
Damn. Ending posts with question marks to fuel debate so as to, you know, not write is one thing. But recycling your own lists. Sheesh.
I’m fairly certain the Family Guy them is meant to sound like a cheesy-ass 80′s sitcom theme. Also, I can’t hate on the Buffy theme, because that was done by Nerf Herder, fronted by the genius known as Parry Gripp.
Based on the obvious All in the Family reference, I’d assume it was going more for the sound of 70s shows.
How the hell was I not aware of My Secret Identity when I was a kid? It looks like some awesome cross between X-Men and The Greatest American Hero starring Jerry O’Connell. There is no way that could be bad!
HOW IS BUFFY ON HERE?! C’MON, NERF HERDER = AUTOMATIC WIN.
theres no way that Blossom is so low on the rankings, it is one of the worst songs ever, what the hell is an opinionnation, is that a word?
Also, Baywatch’s theme is fucking awesome, on par with the Rocky 4 soundtrack in terms of awesomeness I will not suffer you tarnishing this song by including it in this list and having it marked as worse than Blossoms theme song! Good Day!
needs more New Girl and Entourage
Oh yeaaaaaah.
Pics of Jenna Von Oy’s ass or GTFO.
So I didn’t look at the previous list, but was Charles in Charge at least on that one? That shit was both creepy and ’80s-ed out.
New boy in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs
And it’s understood
He’s there just to take good care of me
Like he’s one of the family
Charles in charge
Of our days
And our nights
Charles in charge
Of our wrongs
And our rights
And I see
I want Charles in charge of me
I think it was translated from a Chinese song about Mao.
Kim Jong Baio?
My hubby and I danced to the theme to Star Trek: Enterprise at our wedding. That was our first dance!! And you have Facts of Life and The Love Boat on here, what is WRONG w/ you people? Those are awesome.
In my opinionation, this is a great list! But, if you think the theme for “Three’s Company” is god-awful, you should check out the one for its short-lived spinoff, “The Ropers”! Positively painful!
The Buffy theme, I just…I’m not sure what to say.
But put something else Dr. John did on a “Worst Of” list, I fucking DARE YOU.
MAN! THAT JOANIE LOVED FUCKING CHACHI!
ps. AND THEN THERES MAUDE!!!!!
The Family Guy parody of the “extended Maude theme song” never fails to crack me up.
BUFFY THE VAM… You’ll pay for that, Rowles.
YOU MANIAC.
Just to make things right, here’s Dr. John and Leon Redbone singing Frosty The Snowman.
[www.youtube.com]
The theme song from ‘Step By Step’ should be on here. It makes me wanna go on a killing spree.
[www.youtube.com]
They used the wrong version of the song for the Enterprise theme, but the one on the show was equally lame (sung by a guy instead). It was stupid, inappropriate and perhaps a microcosm as to how the showrunners made this series THE WORST in the Star Trek universe.
My boyfriend loves it. And by “loves it”, I mean that he sings along every time. Enterprise is also his favorite Star Trek. He doesn’t make good choices at all.
A very forgotten show, but its theme will get stuck in your head like the smell of Limburger cheese in your lunch box.
I present to you: The Ropers [www.youtube.com]
Ha I kept waiting for The Ropers theme to show up. A travesty, I say!
i can see why the nannny would be a bad theme song she was out on her fanny that’s not true everyone who saw the opening she landed on her butt
I AM STILL FURIOUS!!!!
Aw come on Family Guy?! I hope it’s because you’ve just watched too much of it. It’s not half as good as the Simpsons theme (almost half) but it’s still become as recognizable I feel.
I actually like 7 of those.
I’m sorry, but how did Farscape’s theme song not make the list?