For as much as I’ve read about Men in Black 3, I had no idea what the plot was, other than Josh Brolin impersonates Tommy Lee Jones and something about time travel and Shea Stadium and Will Smith saying, “Ah, hell nah,” until yesterday. Turns out, Jemaine Clement, a.k.a. Jemaine Clemaine in HBO’s much beloved “Flight of the Conchords,” plays an alien named Boris, who goes BACK IN TIME, non Huey Lewis & the News-style, to assassinate Jones for some reason. And his best friend’s a talking pie!
I don’t care if MIB3 has a 65% Rotten Tomatoes score – there’s no way a $375 million movie with that plot, which began filming before a script was finished, featuring a vehicle first seen on “South Park,” can be good. And that makes me sad, because Clement deserves to be in nothing but good roles in good movies (Tommy Lee Jones, too, because he’s awesome). Here are 12 other TV stars we love in 12 terrible movies that we hate.
#12. Adam Scott ("Party Down") as Jacques in Hellraiser: Bloodline
Adam Scott discussed appearing in the film with Vulture:
"We had, like, two sets of reshoots and it took forever to make that movie. I’m not really in it that much, but I remember we would do one reshoot and redo everything, and then six months later we would reshoot it again and everything was super different. My death changed from melting to getting my guts ripped out.”
Of the four Hellraiser films released into theaters, this is the worst. It’s so bad that director Kevin Yagher asked to be credited as “Alan Smithee,” a moniker used by Hollywood folk who don’t want their name associated with a particularly stinky project. And stinky it was.
#11. Glenn Howerton ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia") as Michael in Must Love Dogs
What a dog this ruff movie was. I was begging to leave the theater. I give it two paws down.
/Shalit’d
#10. John Slattery ("Mad Men") as Bert Miller in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
I like to imagine that Matthew Weiner went to see an 11:30 a.m. screening of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights by himself back in 2004, noticed John Slattery looking dapper in that white tuxedo, and then decided to write an entire show about white guys wearing nice outfits. Thus, “Mad Men” was born. (January Jones was in the movie, too, but we don’t like her.)
#9. Anthony Stewart Head ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer") as Victor in Fat Slags
Poor Giles. Poor, poor Giles. He looks like a space priest.
#8. Pamela Adlon ("Louie") as Dolores Rebchuck in Grease 2
Sample line of dialogue: "This bra is killing me!" "You wish." I bet Louis CK couldn't come up with that if he had all the JCPenny catalogues in the world in front of him. Also, she sings a song called "Score Tonight," which I'm sure is about bowling and nothing else.
#7. Gillian Jacobs ("Community") as Cherry Daiquiri/Beth in Choke
I’ll let the clip do the work (just the way you like it, baby), but I will add: how can a movie with Sam Rockwell AND Gillian Jacobs be so bad? Oh, that’s right, it’s got Chuck Palahniuk’s name attached to it and it’s not called Fight Club.
#6. Dominic West ("The Wire") as Photographer in Spice World/Palace Guard in Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
The f*ck did you do.
#5. Walton Goggins ("Justified") as Charlie in The Next Karate Kid
As Danger has mentioned, you can tell how good something Boyd’s in by the vertical length of his hair. In The Next Karate Kid, the worst Karate Kid film that doesn’t star one of Will Smith’s wiener kids, his hair’s awfully flat.
#4. Aaron Paul ("Breaking Bad") as Wasted Guy in National Lampoon's Van Wilder
This movie. Whenever I hear it referenced, I immediately think of the scene where the frat bros drink the dog jizz, and then I want to puke. And I’m wearing my best Bowfinger promotional t-shirt as I’m typing this. Wouldn’t want to ruin it for my great-grandkids.
#3. Amy Poehler ("Parks and Recreation") in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Amy is almost adorable enough to pull of screaming "FART DILDO BIG DICK TITTIES." Almost.
#2. Alyson Hannigan ("How I Met Your Mother") as Julia Jones in Date Movie
The ever-adorable Hannigan made this Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer regurgitated turd of a movie, where she plays “an obese woman who dreams of marrying Napoleon Dynamite,” before knowing if “How I Met Your Mother” would take off. Sure she doesn’t regret that decision.
#1. David Cross ("Arrested Development") as Ian Hawke in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
Actors gotta get $$$. Plus, I can’t hate Cross for accepting the role because it led to this amazing comment, about working on the movie: “In all honesty, it was the most miserable experience I've ever had in my professional life...There was one producer, I won't say (who), but she is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews.”
I wonder if he got to keep the tracksuit.
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Poor Jemaine. Bret is off writing music for the Muppets and winning Oscars, and he’s stuck in a threequel that nobody wants.
Jemaine is in the new MIB flick. Not sure what to make of that.
That was supposed to be a ? on that first sentence.
You do realize Gillian shows her tits in that movie right? Seems like that should cancel her off this list somehow.
Bite your tongue. CHOKE WAS AWESOME. Sam Rockwell, people.
(I had no idea about Adam Scott, though. Good call.)
I also like Choke. And it has nothing to do with Britta’s boobs.
Not that there’s anything wrong with Britta’s boobs.
Let’s not forget that Brad William Henke (aka Coover Bennett) plays Sam Rockwell’s lovable friend Denny in this pretty decent movie.
Sam Rockwell may have been the best part of Iron Man 2.
Britta’s boobs were definately the best part of Choke, a movie which I did not see.
She does and they are glorious. Also Sam Rockwell.
I passed Rockwell in Union Square last fall. He was surprisingly tiny, and coupled with my mancrush on the guy, I nearly picked him up and spun him around like a toddler.
True story.
I’m not saying it’s not worth seeing; it’s just that it’s only worth seeing BECAUSE Gillian shows her Brittas (ew). Does Rockwell even dance in the movie? It’s not a worthwhile Sam Rockwell movie unless he’s dancing.
I also liked Choke (and not for the boobs). Though I liked the book too.
The first time I saw Community I was trying to figure out where I’d seen Gillian Jacobs before, it took my brain about halfway through to remember that she was in Choke.
I first learned about that “around the world” move after reading (then confirmed after seeing) Choke. Thanks, Chuck P.
I’m just glad we’re all on the same page about this (except for Josh).
I have spent a significant amount of my day watching dancing Sam.
Those things were spectacular too.
I am in awe every episode of Community that I KNOW Gillian has amazing boobs….but I find Alison’s unseen ones so much more fascinating.
I’m gonna go ahead and say this, Sam Rockwell sucks.
May God great me as a friend.
Glorious is a bit of an overstatement. Average is probably sufficient.
cosign. this movie was pretty good, plus it has Brittaboob.
I thought Choke was good, add that Gillian Jacobs shows her amazing rack and its a solid movie. Also that GIF is amazing. Sam Rockwell has some moves.
Bite your tongue when talking negatively about Spice World!
I don’t approve of anyone shit-talking Spice World.
Dominic West in 300 is a criminal omission. If you’re going to hate Van Wilder because of croakie-clad brosephs eating dog jizz you might as well hate 300 because that’s basically the overarching theme of the movie.
I did include him…?
I meant 300 being omitted from his entry.
I’ve met Tommy Lee Jones. Dude is an asshole.
There is a documentary about a Harvard-Yale football game that Tommy Lee played in. Out of all the people involved in the game that they interviewed, doctors, lawyers etc., Tommy Lee was the most aloof and obviously didn’t give two shits about the interviews. It was a little awkward.
Hey, I liked Choke. It was surprisingly accurate to the book.
Except for leaving out the stone throwing scene (which was pretty much the climax of the book). They included it in the deleted scenes. Seems like an odd decision to leave it out of the main movie.
All actors, no matter how great, are whores.
I like Van Wilder dammit. We got Ryan Reynolds and Kal Penn from it!
Let us not forget Walton Goggins as the super cocky Downtown Anderson in Major League 3: Back to the Minors
He also played some short lived cop in House of 1000 Corpes
He was in “Shanghai Noon.”
I rest my case.
Well, I posted Rockwell dance earlier, so might as well.
Sam Elliot in Ghost Rider
Dominic West was also in Mona Lisa smile, which I haven’t seen but I’m sure is a piece of shit on PAR with Spice World and Phantom Menace.
“We’re gonna sco-or-ore tonight! We’re gonna sco-or-oree to-nigh-ITE. We’re gonna rock, we’re gonna roll, we’re gonna bop, WE’RE GONNA BOWL…”
yes, this song is about bowling and grease lightning was just about a car being cool – my seven yr old self.
Now I have to watch Choke because the cast looks awesome – even if the trailer does not
David Cross comes off as some sort of snobby elitist anytime he’s not performing. Well, at least to me he does. Frankly, I can take or leave him. He’s funny, sure, but he’s not irreplaceable. Hell, Don Knotts was his generation’s David Cross in terms of movies and acting, if you want to be honest about it.
He’s a terrible stand-up comedian and his book, I drink for a reason, is way too on-the-nose. His setups are basically: [Ridiculous social norm]->[Isn't this ridiculous??]->[I mean, come on, look how ridiculous it is.]
No punch line, no twist just repeating an observation until you drown in it. Fuck him, I want my money back.
Pamela Adlon question…..did anyone else love the movie Bad Manners as a kid?
The bread passing scene is one of the funniest scenes in movie history. Period.
And Walter Goggins was in Major League 3. While not as bad as Karate Kid 4, they were both definitely worse than Rocky 5.
Adam Scott looks fairly like Kelso in that screencap, no?
I wish Ashton Kutcher looked more like Adam Scott in that picture.
In real life I mean.
And separately – this is the exact moment I realized Community was on a different level than most other TV shows: [www.youtube.com]
Show used to be so good.
Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire?
No?
Melanie Griffith in Cherrie 2000?
How about Paris Hilton in House of Wax?
I’m doing this wrong, aren’t I?
Choke was good!!
I’ll watch absolutely anything and everything that has David Cross in it. I’d watch a musical if it had David Cross in it. A fucking musical!
I don´t know about you but choke also had paz de la huerta giving rockwell a blowjob
Amy Poehler voiced one of those female chipmunk things.
Ha, I was just flipping through a few weeks ago on cable, then realized Amy was the Tourette’s girl in Deuce Bigalow, a movie I saw in high school long before I knew any better. That has to be one of her first movie gigs, no? Even before SNL? So at that point, she was probably happy just to get something.
Time travel? Talking pie best friend? Didn’t Homer Simpson try to sell that plot to Ron Howard back in ’98?
I guess we know what the “writers” were watching while writing MIB3.