Guess Which Network Gave ‘Honey Boo Boo Child’ Her Own Show

Alana “Honey Boo Boo Child” Thompson, one of the more popular contestants in the history of “Toddlers & Tiaras,” has been given her own reality show by TLC. You may remember Alana because she is the 6-year-old girl whose mom pumps her full of “Go-Go Juice” (a combination of Mountain Dew and Red Bull — “IT’S GOT WHAT PLANTS CRAVE!”) and then lets her strut around a stage in her bathing suit for the enjoyment of creeps, or babble incoherently in front of a camera for the enjoyment of a different group of creeps. This is how TLC describes the new series:

An inside look into Alana’s world where the 6-year-old pageant sensation proves that she is more than just a Go-Go Juice-drinking beauty queen. When she’s not chasing after crowns, Alana’s with her family in rural Georgia doing what her family does best: four-wheeling through mud pits and picking up road kill for the family cookout. [Deadline]

Here’s my problem with this whole thing: Fifty years ago, most of the people on TLC would have been qualified to do nothing but break rocks. But now, instead of steering them towards a life of physical labor, we’re glorifying their stupidity and horrifying character flaws, and paying them handsomely for it. This is why the great American rock-breaking industry has fallen apart, people. Because we keep giving TV shows to their most promising candidates. We need to nip this in the bud before it takes down the ditch-digging industry, too.