Guy Fieri Set a World Record This Weekend

Obese starfish Guy Fieri was picked by some lover of No Can Beato This Taquitos to drive the pace car at this weekend’s Indianapolis 500. Sadly, his vehicle didn’t erupt into an ironic fireball, and all that remained were Fieri’s frosted tips, found five miles from the scene by a dog that sniffed Mac Daddy Mac ‘N’ Cheese and doucebag, with extra cheese. Rather, everything went fine, but that hypothetical dog still died of a heart attack.

Not only didn’t he explode, but Fieri actually accomplished something no one has ever done before, and no, it’s not replacing his blood with barbeque sauce. As he proudly tweeted yesterday, he became the “first pace car driver to wear shorts,” which is the most Fieri thing to ever be proud of. Stay tuned for next year’s Indy 500, when Fieri attempts to fuel every car in the race with the oil from a single plate of his Taj Maholla! Chicken.